


Connected (Redux)

by TuskedLioness



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Blood Kink, Depression, Dirty Talk, Dramedy, Drug Use, F/F, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, Light BDSM, Marijuana, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Out of Character, Panic Attacks, Past eating disorder, Phobias, Platonic Relationships, Possible Character Death, Quartz Sisters, Romance isn’t the focus, Self-Harm, Sexual Fantasy, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Some Graphic Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Relationships, au where pearl has social anxiety and love doesnt solve peoples problems, cuddle therapy, especially pearl because she has social anxiety in this pfft, if you’re here for smut you’re gonna be really disappointed, porn is skippable, there isnt a whole lot of porn in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-05-24 20:01:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14961239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuskedLioness/pseuds/TuskedLioness
Summary: “There is a reason you have no close friends; there is a reason your family doesn’t like you...and that is because you ruin everything that gets close enough to you."Pearl is a depressed, nervous, shy girl who is certain she's going off the deep end. She lives in fear every day, especially when it comes to social situations. She retreats to the small, obsolete tourist town of Beach City after making a humiliating mistake, but is quick to realize that it'll take more than just running away to escape her problems. Can she escape her own head?





	1. Filthy Car

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Connected](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13348713) by [TuskedLioness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TuskedLioness/pseuds/TuskedLioness). 



> **Introduction:** Hello, everyone. If you read the description, you may have seen that this fic is a redux of my older fic, Connected.
> 
> To everyone who read the original Connected, I apologize to say that that fic will no longer be continued. Instead I will be writing this fic, "Connected (Redux)", which has a similar premise but a different plot.
> 
> Why did I do this? Because I wasn't happy with the direction the old Connected was heading. The story started as a vent fic for me. It was a way for me to write about my struggles with the life-destroying aspects of phobias. As I kept writing, I realized it was becoming less genuine with the illness and more like...well...a ship fic (and yes, it was a ship fic, but overall I wanted mental illness to be the primary part of the story with the ship as secondary, which I had failed to do). It was like driving and going miles off-course from my destination.
> 
> I want to write something that feels real to me. I want to write something that reflects the pain and life-destroying aspects of something I struggled with every day. My life has improved and I am on a clear path of recovery, but I still want to portray a character whose experiences were similar to mine. Phobias aren't some minor inconvenience like society has made them up to be. Phobias can sap your life away and make you miss out on so much.
> 
> So...I'm rewriting it. This fic is going to be more miserable. It's going to be more frustrating. Life situations will be different. Everything that was set up in the old Connected will be completely altered. However, I do intend to keep the comedic and lighthearted aspects of the old fic as well.
> 
> Connected was about two lovers falling for each other despite the obstacles in their heads. Connected (Redux) is about Pearl's miserable life inside her head as a romance buds between her and someone else. If that doesn't sound like your cup of tea, then you are welcome to click the back button. I'm deeply saddened to discontinue the old Connected but it just wasn't working for me as an author anymore.
> 
> I hope you all understand. Anyway, onto the fic. Thank you so much for whoever read this.~

The human race was a prevailing species, despite all the odds that it shouldn’t be. In their natural state, they were small, defenseless and most of all, were fragile compared to other animals. But even then, they managed to rise through the forces of nature and made the Earth their sandbox.

But what made these creatures triumph over nature? Pearl knew the answer. Humans overcame their weaknesses through the bonds they developed. If it weren't for their tendency for form into groups and to bounce off one another's ideas, they wouldn't have grown larger brains, formed tribes that influenced the longevity of themselves, or created inventions and tools to survive. Civilizations wouldn’t have existed, which wouldn't have created the modern world Pearl lived in today.

Seven years ago, company was what Pearl had. She felt powerful. She felt like she had a bright future ahead of her. She had Rose Quartz. Nothing else mattered. She didn’t need anybody else in her life.

…But that was seven years ago.

\--

There was nothing but flatland, dust and the rising sun. Pearl sat in the back of the bus, watching the last of the city’s buildings shrink away, not knowing when she’d see them again.

The ride would last approximately six hundred and fifty miles, for fourteen and a half hours. It was a shorter ride when it used to be road trips with her parents, but on a bus, it took longer because of the stops.

Pearl glanced at her phone, her hand instinctively cupping over it and its brightness being at the lowest setting, just no one could see her screen. Just fourteen hours to go now. She tucked her phone back in her purse rested her head on the window, watching the land sweep by. It was mind-numbing at the very most. Already, there was nothing to look at except dry flatland after dry flatland, with occasional fences and some crops.

Luckily she expected this boredom, due to flashbacks of her younger self whining and crying about having nothing to do. That’s why Pearl had gotten up at 3:00 am, two hours before her departure, without consuming a single drop of caffeine. Her eyes were already heavy and her head ached from the withdrawals. Soon she’d be out and this ride would be a breeze.

…Right?

Thoughts stirred in her suddenly. What if she snored and disturbed the other passengers? What if she missed a pit stop and had to go to the bathroom later and had an accident because there were no other stops for hours? What if someone took advantage of her sleeping and stole her suitcase and purse, only to see all her embarrassing belongings?

Her body practically produced its own caffeine after that thought. She tensed and hugged her purse closer, half of her attention on the aisle and the other on her belongings. She glanced at the passengers in front of her. Everyone seemed to be falling asleep, one person was calming down a baby; another person was eating a granola bar.

Pearl’s shoulders slackened barely. Still hugging her purse, she looked out the window again. She knew all those worries were stupid and unlikely to happen but…what if they did? She had to be prepared, shouldn’t she?

Staring at flatland for fourteen hours it was then.

\--

The sunset bathed everything in orange by the time she reached the town outskirts. Finally, buildings were turning up again, including some mountains in the distance. Pearl’s struggle lessened to keep her sore eyes open. She straightened up.

The bus drove between generous numbers of buildings. Seeing traffic again was comforting…but Pearl knew she wouldn’t see much of that once she got to her true destination. The bus parked at the station.

Everyone practically bolted up at once but had to slowly filter out and grab their bags. Luckily Pearl just had her purse and a smaller luggage for the overhead, so she didn’t need to stay around once she stepped off.

The amount of people in the bus stop made her skin prickle. She kept her head down as she scuttled out the waiting area and into an empty spot near the wall. She opened her contacts and pressed on one of the first names and made a call.

“Hey, wassup,” a voice said.

Pearl swallowed. She looked around to make sure no one was paying attention to her. “I’m here,” she murmured.

“Huh?”

“I’m at the bus stop,” Pearl said slightly louder.

“Oh, okay, cool. I’ll be there in like ten minutes. Still on my way.”

“I’ll be outside at the turn,” Pearl said.

They said goodbye and hung up. Pearl stuffed her phone back in her purse and sped-walked through the crowd. A couple beads of sweat trickled down her face and her stomach twisted in knots.

Finally she stepped out. Her legs felt like jelly. She didn’t know if it was because of sitting for nearly fourteen hours or because of something else. At least it felt nice to move her muscles again. Her stomach still hurt but not as bad as it did when she didn’t have fresh air.

She stood by and looked out at the road. According to the texts prior, she was supposed to look for a small, white Prius. About twenty cars zoomed past by the time said car pulled in. Pearl narrowed her eyes. _That_ was the white Prius?

At first glance, Pearl swore that car was brown. It was absolutely caked in dust and looked like it hadn’t been washed in months. She expected to see “Clean Me!” written on it but there was nothing.

The car pulled right next to Pearl. The window rolled down. A girl with messy, colorful hair looked out at her.

“Hey, P,” Amethyst said.

A coy smile twitched on Pearl’s lips as she gave a small wave. Her smile faltered and she looked around.

“Just throw ‘em in the trunk,” Amethyst said.

“Okay,” Pearl murmured.

“Want any help?”

“I’m alright,” Pearl said. She opened the trunk and placed her bag in. Purse still slung over her shoulder, she closed it and went into the passenger’s seat. Amethyst drove off.

“Thank you for doing this,” Pearl said softly as the car headed to the highway.

“No prob. I need a new roommate anyway. Ugh, this rent is killing me.”

 _In Beach City?_ Pearl wanted to ask, but said nothing. How could rent be high in Beach City? What sort of house did Amethyst exactly live in? Well…Pearl had seen photos, but it didn’t look that impressive…decent, perhaps, but not impressive. Certainly a lot cheaper than anything back in the city, though.

Amethyst popped some bubblegum. “So…” she began. “Beach City, huh?”

“Yes…”

“That’s a long way.”

Pearl hummed and nodded, looking at the floor. It was covered in trash and empty wrappers. Pearl suppressed a scowl.

“So what brought you here?”

“I just…want a change.”

“Did you get a job or anything?” Amethyst asked.

“I’ll find one…”

“Good luck.” Pearl stiffened. Was that sarcasm?

Pearl swallowed, browsing through questions in her mind to deter the subject. Unless asking a question would make her look stupid. Or would she be rude to not ask a question? What if Amethyst got angry and wanted to drop Pearl on the side of the road?

“Um…” Pearl began. “How are…you?”

 _How are you?! Really?! That’s the most generic question out there!_ Pearl yelled at herself. If she had two bodies, she’d be kicking herself.

“I’m g,” Amethyst said. “Glad to finally have a roommate. You’re gonna love the place, P. It’s way better than the pics I sent.”

Pearl twitched a smile. Relief washed over her that Amethyst wasn’t angry. “I’m glad,” she said.

“There’s this big basement that looks kinda creepy right now but I want to turn it into something cool. Haven’t decided what to do with it yet. Right now I just store shit in it.”

 _How long have you owned the house?_ Pearl wanted to ask. She didn’t say anything though. It was too late anyway, because Amethyst continued.

“So what are you planning to do in Beach City?”

“I’m not sure,” Pearl murmured. A twinge of regret twisted her insides. She…honestly didn’t know, but…she should say something, shouldn’t she?! She didn’t want to look careless and mindless in her life, did she?! “B-but maybe-” _You’re stuttering._ “I want to see how it is now. I…remember loving Beach City as a kid.”

 _That’s not why you’re here though,_ she told herself. No, she was here to run away from something. What better place to run to than the first place she ever felt safe in?

Rose’s hometown used to be Pearl’s summer sanctuary. She would visit there with Rose instead of staying home where her sister could lunge at her throat. It used to be her sanctuary when she felt she was going to crack under pressure from everyone's expectations. It was a place to be herself. Even with Rose dead, there was an air of safety to this place.

“There's not much like we used to have. Oh, we’re here.”

Pearl looked out the front window. A small cluster of buildings grew closer, and the car passed a faded sign.

“Welcome to Beach City – The Southwest’s Favorite Paradise!” the sign said in chipped paint with bits of it beneath graffiti. Pearl probably wouldn’t have been able to read it if it weren’t for remembering the sign growing up. To think this placed used to be a popular vacation spot when she was younger…she was only twenty-six but felt ancient thinking about that.

Beach City…the town that coined its name for the reservoir it was situated beside. The lake wasn’t the biggest but was generous in size, with beautiful beaches, large nature reserve and a breathtaking view of the canyons. It was the perfect place to visit for camping and cooling off in the summer. The town had some fun attractions too such as a theme park and arcade. All of that changed when the reservoir started to shrink due to drought, though.

Pearl could see the damage that had done. A lot of the stores she remembered had “For Lease” taped on windows while empty signs were plastered above the doors. The lake wasn’t nearly as big as Pearl remembered it ten years ago. There were definitely less people as well, but then again, it was only October, so Pearl didn’t have a place to judge for that just yet.

They drove further through the town, the sights only bringing more disappointment, until they turned into a neighborhood. Amethyst drove into the driveway of a brown brick house. The front yard was made of red rocks, with the only plants being a shrub and a cactus.

Amethyst stepped out of the car. Pearl followed. “Well…home sweet home,” Amethyst said. “It’s alright, huh, P?”

Pearl nodded. Not her dream place- she was the kind of person who liked lots of plants and white exteriors, but what was she to expect for not being able to afford her own house? She could live with it.

“Want help with your bag?”

“I can do it…”

Amethyst shrugged. “Alright.” She walked up the steps and unlocked the door. “Oh yeah. I’ll get your key once I get this one duplicated.” She swung the key in her hand, which was attached to a star lanyard. She pushed the door open and let Pearl in.

As soon as she stepped into the doorway, a shudder rushed up Pearl’s spine. She nearly did a double-take but stopped herself. This place was…what was a nice way to put this?

Disgusting.

She should have expected Amethyst to at least clean the house for it to be presentable for her new roommate, but no. Instead the place looked exactly like her car, with wrappers and other trash everywhere, but also things such as a pan sitting on the couch; dirty clothes all over the floor…and this was just the living room!!!

“What do ya think?” Amethyst asked. “Sorry for the small mess.”

 _Small mess?!_ Pearl blinked. “It’s...nice?” she squeaked.

Amethyst went quiet. That didn’t sound genuine, did it?

“Want me to show you your room?”

Pearl nodded.

She led Pearl down the hallway, Pearl trying to ignore the stuff littering the floor whilst stepping over them. They reached a door and Amethyst opened it for her.

The room was- and thank goodness for it- completely empty, save for a bedframe and mattress. It seemed to be clean too. A little dusty with a couple cobwebs in the edges, but nothing that would take too much work. Pearl pulled her suitcase inside and placed it in the closet.

“Want me to show you the rest of the house?” Amethyst asked.

 _Absolutely not._ Well…not right now, anyway. Not only because she didn’t want to get bombarded with more regret for moving here, but also because she suddenly felt exhausted. Her eyes were begging to close….

“You okay, dude?”

Pearl snapped out of it. She blushed, realizing she hadn’t answered yet. “Um…I guess I could…but….”

“You tired? No need to explain it.”

Pearl blushed even harder. If Amethyst could assume that, then how bad did Pearl even look? She hadn’t had access to a mirror in hours. Her red hair did feel messy and her blue eyes stung, meaning they were probably bloodshot. She usually had dark circles around her eyes since she wasn’t prone to sleeping well, but her makeup did a good job at hiding them.

“You need any pillows and blankets?” Amethyst continued. “The bed was supposed to have that stuff, but my old roommate took them.” A very faint tinge of bitterness lingered in the way she said it.

“I’m alright…”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. Well if you need any, just holler at me,” Amethyst said. She walked out the room. Pearl collapsed on the bed the moment Amethyst closed the door. She screamed into the mattress.

 _Okay, Pearl, don’t freak out. Don’t freak out._ Her breath betrayed her. Her hand gripped the fabric over her chest, as if that would slow down her heart.

_Oh God…what have I done?! What am I even doing?! I quit my job and moved to the middle of nowhere and now live with Rose’s sister! SHE’S DISGUSTING!!! Oh God, what am I even doing?!_

She flopped over, staring at the ceiling fan.

Next time she shouldn’t tipsily respond to her ex’s sister’s Facebook post about needing a new roommate. Next time she shouldn’t think that was a good idea!

She had to run away, though….

She pushed herself up. It took almost all her willpower considering how exhausted she was. Never had her body felt so heavy.

She dragged herself to the closet and opened her suitcase. Normally she’d hang up her clothes immediately, but tonight was going to be a rare night. She pulled out the baggiest clothes she had along with the fluffiest. She rolled the fluffiest ones up and stacked them on the bed. She laid her head on them and then placed the baggy clothes along her body to create a makeshift blanket.

_What…am I even doing…?_

Her eyelids drooped slowly, and once they were closed, Pearl couldn’t open them again. Her regrets twisted along with more ridiculous thoughts the closer she was to falling asleep, until they disappeared completely.

Whatever other regret she felt, she’d save until morning.


	2. Nothing But Mistakes

Light pierced Pearl’s eyes. She covered her face with her arm and turned over, trying to return to her slumber.

Her mind drifted, floating somewhere between dreams and reality. Thoughts sunk down into the stuff she’d have to do today. Make some green tea…get ready for work…go to work….

But she’d quit her job.

That’s right. She’d quit her job. That would mean…

Pearl’s eyes snapped open. She bolted up into a sitting position and looked around, the memories of yesterday flooding back. The sensation of being in her old bed at home vanished and was replaced with this room…her _new_ room.

Dust particles floated around her, lit up in the sunrise and making her scrunch her nose. She didn’t have blinds or curtains or anything. She looked at her “blanket”, just a mess of clothes now scattered on the mattress.

Pearl crawled off the bed and looked out the window. The view was of the backyard, which consisted of dirt, a barbwire fence and a shed standing in the corner. It was different than the view of the street when she lived in that apartment.

What have I done…? Not even just moving, but the reason she moved too. If she didn’t make that mistake, maybe she’d still be home.

Pearl sat back on the bed, thinking about home. The cushiness of her old bed instead of the denseness of this one. The way the old home smelled like lavender incense instead of dust. The sounds of a busy street from below instead of nothing.

Her thoughts slowed to a stop when the smell of food met her nostrils. It smelled like eggs and toast. Pearl realized she was hungry, but she snapped out of it. She could make food later.

If she could make food.

It wasn’t really a thought, but more like an urge. She couldn’t go out there with Amethyst outside. Pearl instead gathered her clothes off the bed and placed them in the corner of the floor. She had no laundry basket so that’s where she’d have to keep them for now. She really needed to buy stuff today.

She opened her closet and realized she forgot to shut her suitcase last night. Clothes of mostly pastel colors sat in the suitcase, along with a few of her favorite books lined in the top pocket- mostly history and science books. She also brought her unused tea packets from back home along with her shower steamers.

A gentle knock sounded from the other side of her door. Her thoughts braked to a stop and she turned her attention to the sound.

“Yes?” Pearl murmured. She cleared her throat and walked to the door, so her voice could be heard well. “Yes?” she repeated.

“Oh, okay, you’re up,” Amethyst’s voice said from the other side. “Was just checking. Letting you know I have food if you’re hungry.”

Pearl blushed. Whatever was outside did smell good, but should she really? It wasn’t even her own food…. “I’m alright,” Pearl said.

“Okay. I’ll eat the rest then. Don’t wanna waste.”

“Okay,” Pearl whispered, likely unheard as Amethyst’s footsteps disappeared down the hall.

Pearl waited a couple more hours for Amethyst to leave. She waited through the blabbers of a TV, and once that turned off, she waited for Amethyst’s footsteps to disappear. A door closed and locked and the sound of a car drove off. Pearl finally felt safe enough to open her door.

The door opened slowly and quietly. Pearl padded out her bedroom, carefully stepping over the junk on the floor as she looked around.

She really needed to clean this place. It was either she clean this place or call the _Hoarders_ producers, or else she'd lose her mind.

Pearl glanced around the house, and despite how horrible it looked, she may as well tour the rest of it. She treaded through the living room that she had already seen and went into the kitchen and cringed. Maybe not eating Amethyst’s cooking was a good idea after all.

The sink was piled with filthy dishes, the trashcan overflowed, and the pan Amethyst cooked in was shiny with grease and had eggs sticking to it. It still sat on the stovetop with the spatula on the stove too, a puddle of grease dripping off the spatula and onto the metal. Pearl’s appetite disappeared instantly.

Pearl dragged herself to the couch instead, pushing away some items so she could sit down. She reached for the remote, but halted. Her eyes had just hit a shelf she hadn’t seen last night. Framed photos lined along it. Her eyebrows shot up when she spotted a familiar face.

Rose Quartz.

Pearl immediately found herself at the dusty shelf, her nimble hands lifting the frame with that particular face. In her hands was Rose’s senior year picture. To think she was eighteen at the time, just one year before her death. She wore a beautiful, white dress that spread out elegantly around her as she leaned into a flower bush, posing as if she were smelling one of the flowers. A faint warmth spread in Pearl’s cheeks and she felt a smile twitch the corners of her lips.

 _Oh, Rose…you were so beautiful,_ she thought as she lightly stroked a finger over Rose’s face, smoothing out some dust. She wondered what Rose would have looked like now if she were still alive. Probably the same but older…how else?

Pearl put the photo back on the shelf and looked at the rest. She frowned.

The shelf also had Rose’s pregnancy photos.

Pearl scoffed. She thought about the collection of Rose’s pictures she had stored on a thumb drive. Pearl had kept every single photo she could of Rose. The few baby photos she had access too, Rose’s childhood photos, every single photo of Pearl and Rose growing up together, Rose’s high school photos, and even some of Rose’s college photos.

But never Rose’s pregnancy photos.

Disgusted, Pearl shifted her eyes away from those and studied the others that weren’t of Rose. There were only three other photos. One of a newborn baby, the other of the same baby but with a teenage Amethyst holding it, and then a school picture of a boy. Pearl narrowed her eyes.

Is that…Rose’s son? Who else could it have been? He had the same gentle, brown eyes, bright smile and precious, brown curls; exactly like how Rose looked at his age. Never had Pearl seen someone so much like Rose.

All of a sudden, Pearl ripped away from the shelf and stalked back to the kitchen. She snatched the damp sponge off the sink’s edge and poured soap on it. She absolutely could not take this today. She had to decompress! Her hand smacked into the first dish she could grab and she scrubbed it as hard as she could, rinsing it, drying it and putting it away. She did that with the rest of the dishes. Hours passed and before she knew it, she ran out of things to do.

Pearl hadn’t even noticed how long it’d been since the sky dimmed. She flipped the light switch, revealing a sparkling clean house.

At last, this house was no longer unlivable. The couch was clear of junk and crumbs and wrappers. The floor could actually be walked on without the danger of tripping over something. There was no allergy-inducing dust on any surfaces. The air smelled clean instead of musty.

Suddenly a car rumbled in the driveway as its headlights danced through the window. Pearl gasped and froze.

The doorknob quivered and clicked. None other than Amethyst walked in. Her hair was tied back, and she wore a black polo shirt and pants and a cap with a pizza logo on it. A nametag with the name “Amethyst” was lopsided on her chest, with “Prime Pizza” written at the bottom.

Amethyst looked around, eyes wide. “Uh…”

Pearl’s face heated and she took a step back.

“Wow…Pearl…did you do all this?”

Pearl blinked. Say something, won’t you?! But she remained frozen, her mind running with the right words to explain her actions.

Amethyst had walked in by then, letting the house’s new look soak in. “Looks pretty good. Man, I haven’t seen it this clean since I first moved here. Nice!”

Pearl resisted heaving a breath, her shoulders slackening. “Yes…I did it,” she said, her face still hot.

Amethyst chuckled. “I knew making you my roommate was a good idea,” she said, slapping Pearl on the back.

Pearl blushed harder. She averted her face. Amethyst pulled her hand away.

“Did you spend all day cleaning this?”

Pearl nodded.

“Dude. You’re metal as fuck.”

Pearl furrowed her brow. Metal?

“...”

Pearl said nothing. Amethyst rubbed the back of her neck.

“Thank you,” Pearl whispered, a little too late.

“No problem.”

More silence.

Sweat practically steamed off Pearl. Pearl gradually took a few more steps back, then walked back to her room. As soon as she closed the door, she suppressed a huge, tormented shriek that remained bottled up inside her.

 _WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT?!?!?! YOU JUST WALKED OFF!!!_ Her appearance gave no indication of the frustration though as she gracefully sat on the bed and opened her laptop. Since she had finished cleaning and it was too dark to shop, perhaps she could browse through job openings instead and take her mind off that awful conversation.

\--

A couple hours later, there was a knock on Pearl’s door.

“Pearl?”

Pearl saved her job application and shut her laptop. She cleared her throat. “Yes?” she asked.

“Can I come in?”

Pearl’s heart jolted, but she stood up on jelly legs and opened the door anyway. Amethyst walked in. She was in leggings and a loose tank top now.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Pearl whispered. She glanced away and out the dark window.

Amethyst looked around. “Woah. You know, I can lend you curtains and a bedspread and pillows…if you want.”

“It’s alright. I’ll get them tomorrow,” Pearl murmured. Well…hopefully. She didn’t exactly have a key yet and was stuck here unless Amethyst was home. She wondered when Amethyst would be off work next.

“You sure you don’t want any tonight?”

“I’m alright…”

Amethyst looked away too. “Anyway,” she began. “I’m going out to eat ‘cause I don’t really feel like making anything.” She looked back. “Wanna join?”

Pearl still looked away from Amethyst, eyes now situated on the floor. “You don’t have to.”

“Pfft. Are you kidding? You cleaned the fucking house, dude. This is my treat.” She smiled.

Pearl twiddled her fingers. “Well…” She took a deep breath. “Alright,” she pushed out, already wanting to run and hide, but perhaps Amethyst was right…and not to mention, Pearl didn’t exactly have her own food to cook anyway. Her stomach stopped twisting in knots at the sight of Amethyst’s grin widening.

“Sweet! Ready when you are,” Amethyst said.

“I’ll be along in a minute,” Pearl said.

Amethyst let her be as Pearl rummaged in her bag and put on something more decent. Pearl quickly applied makeup and then stepped outside with her purse slung over her shoulder. Amethyst waited on the couch for her. She got up and they headed to the car.

“So where do you wanna go?” Amethyst asked as she strapped herself in.

Pearl shut the passenger door. “Anything you like.”

“My treat, your choice.”

“Um…I’m…a little new here….”

“Where did you like to go when you visited here?”

Pearl thought for a moment. “Fish Stew Pizza…but, we don’t have to-”

Amethyst burst into laughter. “Oh, God, Pearl. Making me go to my work’s rival, huh?”

A sheepish smile twitched on her lips. “Um…do you not want to?”

“It’s g. I kinda like the place. Don’t tell my boss though.”

“Okay,” Pearl said. Amethyst laughed again and Pearl blushed.

They went to the pizza place. Turned out it was one of the few restaurants left in Beach City that Pearl remembered. On their way to Fish Stew Pizza, most of the other places were gone. There were some new places, but all of them were chain restaurants: a McDonald’s, a Taco Bell, and an El Pollo Loco were the only new ones she saw. Amethyst mentioned on the way that she worked for a family restaurant that opened nine years ago: Prime Pizza.

They sat together and shared a supreme pizza. Pearl tried not to eat much so she could have leftovers, but Amethyst had a bigger appetite than Pearl anticipated. Pearl added another slice to her plate as a result, just to keep something from going in Amethyst’s mouth.

“Thank God you chose this place,” Amethyst said with a mouthful, which Pearl tried to ignore despite her repulsion. “I forgot how good this place is.”

“Mmhmm,” Pearl said with a nod. She sipped her iced tea.

“Last time I was here, I was with Rose. She was craving anchovies, but Prime Pizza doesn’t serve that on their pizzas. So we went here.” She took another bite.

Pearl jolted slightly at the mention of Rose. She didn’t know if Amethyst was okay with conversing about her, but perhaps she was after all. Pearl giggled softly. “Rose always was a wildcard.”

“Right? Especially when she was pregnant. Her cravings changed every fucking day.”

Pearl’s smile fell. Amethyst’s smile disappeared too and Pearl immediately regretted expressing her feelings.

“Oh…uh…sorry, dude,” Amethyst murmured.

“It’s alright.”

“I’m really sorry, by the way…about her…and you…yeah.”

“Please don’t be.”

They didn’t say much after that. Amethyst tried to bring up lighter topics, but they were less energized and faltered too quickly. Pearl nibbled at her remaining slice just to give herself something to do while Amethyst finished up the rest of the pizza.

This was a mistake.

She moved in with her dead ex’s sister. Was Amethyst regretting it too? Was she regretting letting Pearl stay here? Pearl’s stomach churned at the thought.

Her life had been nothing but mistakes lately.

Nothing. But. Mistakes.

Pearl shuddered and her throat tightened. She scooted her chair back. “I, um…” She swallowed. “Just give me a moment.”

Amethyst looked up. “You good?”

Pearl nodded and walked away. She scuttled down the hall to the bathroom. The filthiness of it didn’t even bother her. It was her only sanctuary for the moment. She hid in the stall and tears immediately escaped her eyes, streaming down her face.

_You really messed up, didn’t you?_

If she had just not messed up, maybe she wouldn’t be here.

After spending a few minutes crying and calming herself down, she stood up. She touched up her makeup, making sure she didn’t look like she just had an emotional moment on the toilet, and then walked back outside. Amethyst waited for her.

“You ready to go?”

Pearl nodded.

“Okay. This is my treat, so no worries about paying.”

Amethyst obeyed her word and paid. As they made their way to the car, Pearl thanked Amethyst for dinner. Amethyst told her not to worry about it. They drove home in silence. The only sound was the soft hum of the engine while a gentle song played through the speakers. The obsolete town's lights zoomed past them gently as Pearl's eyelids drooped, her head leaning against the glass. She had no idea what she was doing here. Did she even belong here? Was it even right to escape to here? She didn't even tell anybody...nobody knew she was here...perhaps that was a good thing, but....

 _Are you alright?_  
Is there something you wanna say?  
Are you alright?  
Just tell me that you're okay.  
Are you alright?  
'Cause you took off without a word.  
Are you alright?  
You flew away like a little bird-

Amethyst turned the music off. “Ugh. Dot listens to the worst shit.”

 _Oh, thank goodness._ That song was starting to get to her. Pearl bit her lip and looked away.

“What music do you like?”

Classical. “Anything,” Pearl mumbled.

“Sweet.” She fiddled with the stereo until headache-inducing noises started to play. Pearl didn't understand any of it.

 _Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt_  
_Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt_  
_Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt_  
_Turn around, stick it out_  
_Show the world you got a_  
_Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt_  
_Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt_  
_Bubble butt, bubble, bubble, bubble butt_  
_Turn around, stick it out_  
_Show the world you got it_

Pearl’s face grew hotter than the burning sun itself. She looked out the window, hoping Amethyst couldn’t see how red she was. What on Earth was this _obscene garbage?!_ That other song was better than whatever this was! She held back a groan, pretending as if the lyrics weren’t blasting through the car. She dealt with it as they made their way home.


	3. Don't Take It Personally

Two weeks had passed since Pearl moved.

As much as she tried to settle in, everything still felt alien. However, it did get bearable to some extent. She bought a cozy, teal bedspread and comforter, with an equally comfortable pillow to match. She managed to find a decent dresser and nightstand from Goodwill, both of which had a white, elegant look for a cheap price. It was feeling slightly like home now. Not entirely, but slightly.

Pearl wished she could paint the walls. She found the rustic, wooden walls to be off-putting when standing next to the furniture. Pearl did consider getting furniture to match, but decided she’d do better with a mismatched look rather than making her whole room look like a cabin in the woods. One rule on the lease was to not alter the walls in any way, so Pearl just had to deal with it.

Pearl sat behind her laptop and logged into her bank account. She knew what was to come, but she cringed regardless. She only had six hundred dollars left. Not to mention, it was already October 28th she would have to pay rent at the beginning of next month, which would drain her account all the way down to a hundred. She prayed she could find a job soon.

Pearl logged out and closed her laptop. She walked out to see Amethyst on the porch attaching bat lights to command hooks. Amethyst spotted her from out the window.

“Hey, tall stuff! Got a hand?” Amethyst said.

Pearl walked outside and let Amethyst lend her the lights. Pearl hung them up for her.

“Thanks, P.”

“Mmhmm,” Pearl hummed.

Amethyst opened a bag of fake spider webs and spread them out across the railing. “Got any plans for Wednesday?”

Pearl shook her head.

“Meh, me neither. I was gonna go to Vidalia’s house for a party, but I’m just gonna give out candy to trick-or-treaters. This year feels like a horror movie night while I eat my bodyweight in candy by myself, ya know?”

“Mm.”

“I can’t wait to scare the shit out of the kiddos with this werewolf head I bought.”

Pearl scowled for a second before her eyes met the jack-o-lantern sitting on the step. It was just a standard face, with the triangle eyes and sharp teeth. It looked mean but harmless.

Amethyst noticed. “Made that with the Ste-man yesterday. Not as scary as I wanted it but will do.”

“Ste-man?”

“Steven,” she said. “My nephew.”

 _So that is his name,_ Pearl thought, recalling the photos of Rose’s son on the shelf.

“He’s a pretty cool dude,” Amethyst continued. “He’s on fall break and I got the day off yesterday, so we just hanged out and carved pumpkins. He made a pumpkin dog and gave it to Peri…whose dog is named Pumpkin.” She laughed.

Pearl forced a small smile.

“He’s coming over today.”

“He…is?”

“Yeah. Just to drop something off he forgot to give me yesterday.”

Pearl wanted to ask when Steven was coming, but she was afraid her emotions would show if she did. She wanted to know when the right time would be to hide. She didn’t know if she could bear seeing Rose’s son. However, she held her ground just enough to help Amethyst finish the rest of the porch.

“Thanks for the help, P. Now the kids really will get the spooks.”

Pearl resisted rolling her eyes. She gave Amethyst a nod and returned to her bedroom.

She stayed on her laptop for the next few hours, filling out job applications. She applied to every job she could, even a couple she didn’t even qualify for just out of desperation. There wasn’t a lot of work in this town. Amethyst had mentioned that a lot of the jobs were seasonal and occurred in the summer, when Beach City got whatever few visitors it still had.

At that point, she was just refreshing the job postings in between checking her email and browsing Facebook, when she heard the doorbell ring. Amethyst’s footsteps went down the living room before opening the door.

“Ste-man!” she heard Amethyst say.

“Hi, Amethyst!” a voice said back.

“Steven wanted to drop something off,” a man’s voice said. “We’ll get out of your hair in a minute.”

Pearl scowled. That voice sounded familiar… _too familiar._

“Nah, you’re good,” Amethyst said. “My shift doesn’t start in two hours. Wanna come in and have a drink?”

“I guess a small visit won’t hurt. Thanks, Amethyst.”

“Can I have a drink too?” Steven said.

“Can I see an ID first?”

“I think he means an age-appropriate drink,” the man said.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Only kidding.” A cup clanked on the counter and the fridge opened. Something got poured in it. “Apple juice for you.”

“Thanks, Amethyst!”

Their voices drew closer as they headed to the living room. Two beers cracked and they chatted. Pearl tried to drown herself out of it, until something brought her attention back to them.

“So how’s your new roommate coming along?” the man asked.

_Oh stars. They know about me?_

“She’s pretty chill. Really chill. Doesn’t say much and keeps to herself.”

“That’s good,” the man said.

“She keeps this place clean.”

“I see the difference. Was gonna comment but thought you’d announce it.”

“Yeah, it looks nice!” Steven put in.

Pearl blushed.

“Do you help around the house too?” the man asked.

“Well, she doesn’t really have a _job_ , sooooooo…”

“You should try help her out sometime,” he said.

“Pffft, if she even needs help. She doesn’t have anything to do.”

“Is she here?” Steven asked.

Amethyst paused. She seemed to be thinking hard about something. “Well…”

“Can I meet her?” he chirped.

“What’s her name?” the man asked.

“Um…yeah I forgot to give that important piece of info. Remember Pearl Page? That’s her.”

“Oh. Well…that explains how…clean everything is.”

“Yeahhhhh…”

“Is something wrong?” Steven said.

“Not at all!” Amethyst said in a strained tone.

“Who’s Pearl Page?”

“It’s no one, Steven,” the man said. “Just somebody we used to know before you were born.”

“Is she a cousin?”

“Just a friend.”

Pearl rolled her eyes. Friend. Sure.

“Can I meet her, Dad?” Steven asked.

“That’s up to Amethyst and Pearl,” Greg told him.

“Amethyst? Can I?” Steven said.

Amethyst was quiet for a moment. “Ehhh…I guess so,” she said.

_GUESS SO?!_

The couch creaked and her footsteps walked around the coffee table. Lighter footsteps bounced up and scampered around. Pearl’s heart accelerated.

The footsteps grew louder until there was a knock on the door. “Hey, P! You in there?” Amethyst asked.

Pearl swallowed. A wave of dizziness washed over her for a second and she thought she was going to throw up. _Okay…keep it together…this shouldn’t be bad. This boy didn’t even ask to be made…don’t judge him._ Pearl took a long, deep breath, exhaled, and then slowly made her way to the door. She turned the knob with shaky hands and opened it.

“Yes?” Pearl mumbled. Amethyst wore a fake smile. Beside her was a boy, with those same beautiful curls and those kind, brown eyes. He grinned from ear to ear and looked like he would explode from enthusiasm at any moment.

Pearl gave a small wave. “Oh…hello.”

“Nice to meet you, Pearl!” Steven said.

“This is Steven. My nephew,” Amethyst told her. “I would’ve told ya to say hi, Ste-man, but you already beat me.”

“H-hello…Steven…”

“I like your hair.”

“Why thank you,” Pearl said, pushing back a strand from her short haircut.

“I didn’t know you were friends with my dad.”

Pearl gave a cold grin.

“He’s outside if you want to see him too.”

Pearl waved a hand in dismissal. “Oh…I certainly don’t need to…not at this moment…”

“Yeah!” Amethyst put in. “Pearl is a very busy woman! She can catch up later. Wanna play outside instead?”

“Okay!” Steven said. He looked up and waved goodbye as Amethyst ushered him away. “Thanks for cleaning the house!”

“Of course,” Pearl said with a wave. She closed the door and listened to them talk some more.

“Oh! Amethyst! Before we go outside, I wanna show you what I brought you!” A bag crumpled until something slid out.

“Oh, a letter!”

“It’s a birthday invitation! Next week we’re gonna have a beach barbeque.”

“I can see that,” Amethyst said. “I can’t wait.”

Steven laughed. “I know you can’t, Amethyst. We’re gonna bring more hotdogs so you don’t eat them all like last time.”

Amethyst cackled. “Well what can I say? Hotdogs are fu- _freaking_ delicious.”

“Did you almost swear?” Steven asked.

“Sure did. That’s why you gotta be a good kid and listen to your dad, or you get a potty mouth like me. No one likes a potty mouth.”

 _Well nice improvisation,_ Pearl thought, rolling her eyes.

“If she wants, can Pearl come too?” Steven said.

“Only if she wants to, Stuball,” Greg said.

“Do you think so?”

“I don’t know, son. Pearl is…what did you say she was, Amethyst?”

“A very busy woman.”

“That’s right. She’s very busy so don’t be discouraged if she doesn’t.”

“Okay,” Steven said.

 _Well,_ Pearl huffed. _I was certainly busy before Greg came into our lives, that’s for sure!_

“So, Ste-man? Wanna play a round of two-square? I got chalk for it.”

“Actually,” Greg interrupted. “-Steven and I need to get going.”

“Awwww,” Steven said.

“Sorry, Stuball. We need to finish up that costume today, remember? Halloween is coming up and this might be my only day left to help.”

“Okay, Dad.”

“Thanks for the drinks, Amethyst.”

“No prob; good to see you. Come over anytime.”

“See you at the party, Amethyst!” Steven said. “Love you.”

“Will do! Love you too, lil’ man.”

“BYE, PEARL!!!” Steven’s voice called across the house. Pearl winced from the other side of the door.

“Remember your inside voice.”

“Oh, sorry. Bye, Pearl,” Steven said more quietly. “I hope she heard me.”

“I’m sure she did, son, and she’ll appreciate it. Anyway, we should go. Thanks again, Ames.”

“Yup.”

There were a couple seconds of shuffling before the door shut. A very loud, old-sounding vehicle drove off until everything was finally quiet again. Amethyst creaked back into the couch and the TV flicked on. 

Pearl slowly pulled away from the door and tiptoed back to her bed, hoping Amethyst couldn’t hear her. She carefully sat on her bed and returned to her laptop. She refreshed the job website…and of course, no new jobs showed up.

She thought for a moment. Perhaps there were beer cans and an empty cup still out there. Pearl needed something to do anyway, so she got up and left her room. She drifted into the living room and her thoughts were confirmed with the slightly trashed coffee table. Two beers and a cup with just a sip of juice in it was sitting on the table.

“Are you finished with your beer?” Pearl murmured.

“Yeah, they’re empty,” Amethyst said without looking at her, eyes glued to some wrestling show Pearl didn’t care about. “I can, er, like take care of them later if ya want.”

 _Later?! Why not now? The trash is right there!_ “It’s alright,” Pearl said.

“Alright. Thanks, P. Oh yeah,” Amethyst added. “Steven was wondering if you want to go to his birthday party. It’s next Sunday.”

Pearl paused. Should she really? She didn’t even know what her attitude toward Steven was yet. Yes, she knew none of Rose’s cheating was his fault, and he didn’t ask for her to die in childbirth, but still. Just _looking_ at that kid made her think of all the things between her and Rose that fell apart.

“I’ll think about it,” Pearl mumbled.

“Okay. No pressure. He’s really nice.”

“I…I noticed,” Pearl said. She dumped the cans in the recycle and headed to the sink to wash the cup.

Amethyst laughed. “Hope he didn’t come on too strong. He just really likes everybody.”

“Not at all,” Pearl said.

“I don’t remember how long you knew Rose, but Rose used to be like that too.”

“I knew her since…we were twelve.”

“You missed four years then. He’s gonna be eight in a week.”

 _Eight years old? Rose has been dead for this long?_ Pearl rinsed the suds off. How was she so close to forgetting that? It also occurred to her in this moment that during all those years Pearl mourned Rose on that day, her family celebrated her son’s birthday.

She caught a sigh built in the base of her throat and closed her mouth. It was like a punch in the gut. Pearl placed the cup on the drying rack. Amethyst’s voice brought her back to reality.

“I get it if you don’t want to go though, man,” Amethyst told her. “Like I said. No pressure.”

“How many people will be there?”

“Not a lot. Uhhhh I’m p sure me, Greg, Jasp, and Steven’s friend, Connie, will be there. Maybe Lapis. My cousins could go too but I doubt it.”

Pearl knew everyone except Lapis and Connie. “Okay,” she murmured. Just seven people including herself. Not too bad. Her guts still twisted in knots about it though. What if she embarrassed herself?

“It’s gonna be a _really_ chill party. Not the shit I went to in high school. Well, you know, ‘cause it’s a kid’s birthday party and not some high school bullshit thrown in the desert.” She leaned back in the seat. “Ah, I missed those days.”

 _How could you miss high school?_ “It sounds nice.”

 _Should I go?_ Maybe a change would be nice, she wouldn’t lie.

But she was scared of people. So, so scared of people. And parties.

But stars…she really wanted to spend a day not feeling like a disappointment.

Amethyst raised an eyebrow. “You wanna go?”

“Yeah…”

Amethyst’s brow remained risen. Pearl’s heart quickened. Why was it still raised?! Was it something she said?! “Alright…” Amethyst said. She looked back at the TV. “You’ll like it, P. You must be bored being so cooped up in the house anyway, right?”

 _She’s got a point._ Pearl sighed. “I…look forward to it,” she lied.

“Awesome.”

Pearl turned around to head back to her room.

“Oh, and Pearl?”

Pearl looked back at her.

“Don’t take Steven personally.”

“Of course not,” Pearl whispered, her body starting to shake a bit. What was up with that?!

“Okay. Just checking.”

Pearl’s eyes moistened. “I understand,” she whispered. Her voice broke but she spoke too softly for it to be noticeable. Of course she knew that…but hearing it from someone else was like twisting a dagger through her chest.

“Thanks, dude.” She glanced at the clock. “Anyway, I gotta get ready for my shift. Have a good night.”

“Okay,” Pearl whispered. She turned back and walked to her room. She closed the door and sobbed quietly.

It will change though.

Maybe this party will fix her. She never knew. If she could just move on, things could get better perhaps…right?


	4. Negative Toxic Bitch Cunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update: I've been going back and editing this story as I go. You don't need to reread it or anything; just letting ya'll know.
> 
> I'm one of those people that diverges from the outline and as a result I gotta go back to keep things consistent. Blah. Luckily it's nothing major though. Just little things I doubt anyone notices.

Pearl couldn’t believe she was doing this.

_Why on Earth did she agree to this?!_

Pearl scrubbed her hair. Not even the ylang ylang shower steamer helped out. The floral scent surrounded her but her body refused to succumb to the peace it was supposed to provide.

This evening, she was going to a party.

Pearl inhaled deeply. She knew aromatherapy had limited research to how effective it was, but it was a pleasant thing to lean upon. Besides, it gave her an excuse to have herself and her home smell good all the time.

Pearl finished cleaning herself. She rinsed and turned the water off, then dried herself with a towel. She stepped out, steam escaping the curtain.

_Remember. You are going to try something different._

Should she really do this though? There would be people there…talking to her…judging her. She wriggled into her nicest pair of jeans and slid on a light yellow blouse that had a floral print.

_What if they don’t like me?_

Pearl stepped out the bathroom. She dragged herself to the fridge and pulled out a beer, cracking it open. Amethyst said that as long as Pearl kept the house clean, Pearl was allowed to eat and drink anything until she could afford her own food. She didn’t take much since it was still Amethyst’s; just enough to not be dizzy with hunger or dried out with thirst, but today was different. She needed a beer before going. She rarely ever drank but tonight was one of those nights.

Eventually Amethyst opened her door and came out wearing leggings and a tank top. Pearl raised an eyebrow. _Don’t you worry about feeling nippy in that? December is coming up, you know._

“Looking nice,” Amethyst said.

“Thank you,” Pearl murmured. “You…as well.” She finished the rest and dropped it in the recycle. “How long shall the drive take us…?”

“It’s about thirty minutes from here and a thirty minute hike to the beach. We’re going to the really nice beach on the other side of the lake.”

“Okay.” The party started in an hour and a half, so that would probably mean they’d have to leave in ten minutes, if they wanted to turn up early. 

Amethyst grabbed a chair and dragged it across the kitchen. She hopped on it and pulled a pink gift bag off the fridge.

“Had to hide it up top so short stuff wouldn’t find it,” Amethyst said as she set it on the table.

“What’s in it?”

“A Cookie Cat figurine and leftover Halloween candy.  I wasn’t gonna give any away but my doctor says I need to watch my weight so I guess I will.”

“Mm.”

“Why can’t I be fat in peace? Life would be so much easier.”

“As long as you’re healthy,” Pearl said.

“Skinny people can be just as unhealthy but no one says shit about them.”

Pearl tensed for a second. Amethyst’s fire burned her a bit but that was it. Pearl brushed it off. “I suppose.”

“Anyway, wanna leave early?”

Pearl nodded. “Of course. It’s only polite.”

“Alright! Let’s wreck this joint.”

Pearl followed Amethyst to the car.

The drive to the lake was a scenic one. Pearl realized it was the first time in over a decade she went down this road. They approached the canyons, which towered and flanked them. Smooth, red stone that was once carved by the river twisted through the reservoir.

“I missed this place,” Pearl breathed.

“You do?”

“Yes.”

Nostalgia bubbled up in Pearl. She remembered the times her parents would take Pearl and her siblings out to camp for the weekend. The grueling car ride was always worth it. Pearl remembered how she used to hate camping, and although to this day she wouldn’t do it often, she wished she appreciated this place at that time. The place really had shrunk.

Amethyst parked next to a trail. Pearl saw a fleck of the lake from afar. The trail sloped downward and wove between two tall, curving rocks.

“Cool place, right? On our way down, there’s gonna be moki steps. We call it Moki Step Hill for that.”

“I see,” Pearl said. Moki steps were man-made cavities carved into rocks that helped prehistoric people scale the canyons. She didn’t remember her parents taking her here, probably because it was a popular camping spot. Her parents liked to camp in places that had no people.

Amethyst looked around the parking lot. “Guess we’re the only ones here. We’ll have the whole beach to ourselves!”

Pearl smiled. She followed Amethyst down the trail. The trail was steeper than it looked, but luckily there were stairs to help aid them.

They approached the rocks and wove through them. Pearl finally got to see why Moki Step Hill got its name: A pair of hand-sized cavities lined upwards in one of the rocks. There were a couple more as they passed.

The beach was now just a few yards ahead. It sloped out into a decent-sized spot to camp and both sides of it were flanked by cliffs, creating a perfect place for shade. Ahead was the beautiful view of the canyons.

“And now you know why this place is popular,” Amethyst commented. “But lucky for us, it’s November and who the fuck would go to the lake? Well, aside from us.”

Pearl and Amethyst waited for the others. Ten minutes later, they spotted another person walking down.

Amethyst was perched on a rock by the time she spotted her. “HEY, BIG J!” she called. “OVER HERE!”

A very tall, burly girl limped toward them. Pearl blinked. _Is that…?_ Yes, she knew exactly who it was: Jasper Quartz. Despite how Jasper no longer looked like a lanky ten-year-old, Pearl recognized her from the distinctive scars striking across her face. Her hair was long and bleached too, very different from the caramel boy cut from the last time Pearl saw her.

“Hey, lil sis,” Jasper said in her gruff voice.

“Lil sis?!” Amethyst said. “I’m two years older than you, you whore!”

“Pfft. No way you can be twenty-three. You sure you ain’t five with that height?”

“Fuck you, Jasp.” Amethyst punched her in the arm.

Pearl noticed her own muscles tightened and her hands clenched into fists. How long had Pearl been like that? She tried to loosen up.

“Hey, Jasp. Remember Pearl?” Amethyst said.

Pearl gave Jasper a sheepish smile and a small wave.

“Who is she again?” Jasper said. She scrutinized at Pearl, pushing Pearl on the verge of sweating.

“You okay if I say, P?”

“G-go ahead…”

“Rose’s high school sweetheart.”

 _High school sweetheart, hm? I suppose that’s a better term to use than labeling me as her ex._ Something felt warm in her about that.

Jasper’s eyes widened. “No way…really? Weren’t you dating her when she lived in Texas?”

Pearl nodded. She studied her own feet. “I, um…I met you before…when I visited…”

“You did?”

“You were ten…”

“Oh! I remember you! Kind of.”

 _I wouldn’t have remembered you either if it weren’t for your scars,_ Pearl wanted to say, but she stopped herself before she could. Would that statement be rude? Was Jasper’s complexion a rough spot for her? Pearl had no idea.

Amethyst laughed. “So you know she’s Jasp then, right, P?”

Pearl nodded.

“What brings you here?”

“Amethyst is my…um…roommate….”

“I figured she’d like to tag along,” Amethyst said.

The Quartz sisters all looked so different but similar at the same time. Amethyst and Rose shared the same plumpness in their bodies and cheeks, while Rose and Jasper shared the same towering height. As for Amethyst and Jasper, they didn’t look related at all.

“I thought you’d bring the cooler, Jasp.”

“Greg’s got it this time.”

“How’d he get it?”

“We were camping together the other month.”

“Oh, that’s good.” Amethyst nodded. “How’s your leg?”

Jasper twitched. “As good as it gets,” she grumbled.

Pearl did notice the limp in Jasper’s gait when she had approached them.

“That’s good.”

“…I’m gonna wait for Greg,” Jasper said. She walked off, that slight limp showing again.

“Sheesh,” Amethyst spat quietly. “I just wanted to ask.”

Five minutes passed. Pearl wandered along the beach. She took her shoes off after seeing Amethyst do the same, and let the freezing water lap at her toes as she stepped around on the warm rock.

A group made its way down the hill. Pearl spotted Jasper, Greg, a boy and another child. A cooler dragged behind the group. Jasper had several fold-up chairs hoisted over her shoulder. Each kid carried a fold-up chair while Greg carried two and the cooler.

Pearl approached them slowly. “Um…do you need any…help?” she asked the group. She tried not to look in Greg’s eyes. She wasn’t ready for that yet.

“We’re fine, but thank you,” Greg said. “You two just enjoy yourselves.”

“Um…o-okay. Thank you,” Pearl mumbled. The ground looked really interesting. She carried herself away.

“Yeah, P, just chillax. Let the man and kids handle it,” Amethyst said, leaning against a rock.

“I’m not a kid!” Jasper shot back. It was a playful retort to Pearl’s relief.

“Yeah right!” Amethyst said. “You look like you came fresh out of Mom’s womb!”

“You look like a fucking zygote, runt!”

“Jasper!” Greg warned. “Language, remember?”

“Oh. Right. Sorry.” She looked at the kids. “I’ll give you guys a quarter once we put these down.”

“You’re gonna make us rich, Aunt Jasper,” Steven said with a laugh.

“Yup. I’m the goddamn quarter dispenser-” She paused. “Okay. Fifty cents for both of you.”

“And tone down the play fighting,” Greg added. “I appreciate that this is your two’s way of bonding, but that is not appropriate for my son.”

“C’mon, Greg-” Jasper began. “If he had siblings, you wouldn’t-”

“Listen to the man, Jasp,” Amethyst said. “Listen. To. The man.”

“Fighting is not the answer,” Steven said. “Unless it’s self-defense like Connie’s doing.”

“You got that right,” Amethyst said. “We’re just bad kids, right, Jasp? Wellllll…bad kid and one adult.”

“Amethyst,” Greg warned.

“Listen to the man, Amethyst!” Jasper spat.

Greg sighed.

Pearl sat on the rocks, watching the two bicker to no end. Who knew she had some sort of common ground with Greg. The four finished setting up the chairs in a shady spot and placed down the coolers.

“Jasper, wanna help me with the fire?” Greg said.

“I gotcha,” Jasper said.

 _I thought we were having a barbeque,_ Pearl thought. Unless…fires counted as barbeques? She shook her head and looked out at the waves and rock formations.

“PEARL!” Amethyst called from a folding chair. “Come and sit with us!”

Pearl blushed. Right…she was supposed to participate; not look like a weird loner. She brought herself over and took a seat in the chair Amethyst had patted. Her eyes remained on the cooler. As if Amethyst read her mind, she handed Pearl a beer. The kids sipped juice on the other side of the circle. The two were lost in chat, thank goodness, because Pearl didn’t want to converse with-

“Oh! Hey, Pearl!” Steven said after he looked up. He waved at her.

Pearl waved back. “Hello, Steven.”

“This is my friend, Connie!” He gestured to the other kid, a girl in a blue dress.

“Nice to meet you, ma’am,” Connie said.

“Y-you too…Connie,” Pearl said. _Enough with the stuttering! These are children! They shouldn’t be intimidating!_

The kids returned to what they were chatting about. Something about Halloween. Apparently Steven was a Crying Breakfast Friend this year…whatever that meant. Greg and Jasper entered the circle to throw wood and sticks into the fire pit.

“We’re going to wait till the sun’s a little lower, alright, Stuball?” Greg said.

“Okay, Dad!”

“Lapis is here,” Jasper growled. She stalked away.

Steven bolted out his seat and rushed past Pearl. “LAPIS!” he cried joyously. Pearl didn’t even bother to look behind her.

 _Great. More people._ She cracked open her drink.

_It’s alright, Pearl…you agreed to this…you agreed to go here._

_Being surrounded by Rose’s family? Alright, that is not much better. That is not much improvement. But this is what you put yourself into._

Not to mention, Pearl was so, so scared of people. She’d love to bolt away and go back home, but it wasn’t like she had her own car to drive away in. She was here until the party was over.

Pearl took a large gulp.

She forced herself to turn her head to face the newcomer. It was an average-height girl with a fit build and blue hair. She wore a flowing dress with a jacket over it. Steven dragged the girl by the arm so she could sit beside him.

“-We’re gonna wait for the sun to go down a little more and then we’ll make the hotdogs!” Steven blabbered to her. He looked at Pearl. “Oh, Lapis! There’s someone new here. Have you met Pearl? She’s Amethyst’s new roommate.”

Pearl waved at her. “Hello, Lapis,” she said.

“Hey,” Lapis said with an obviously fake smile. Wait…was something wrong with Pearl?! Why did Lapis act like that? Her heart jumped into her chest.

“She’s a family friend.”

“That is very nice, Steven,” Pearl said stiffly.

“Hi, Pearl,” another person said. Pearl nearly choked on her drink. She looked up to see Greg standing in front of her.

“Hello…Greg,” Pearl said slowly.

He gave her a friendly smile, which didn’t help. “I didn’t have a chance to introduce myself. How have you been all these years?”

“I’m alright…”

“It’s nice to see you again. I hope you have a good time.”

“It’s nice to see…you too,” she lied.

Greg walked off. Pearl felt sick. She finished her can and reached for another.

Amethyst turned to her. “Woah, Pearl, getting another already, huh? You go, girl!”

“Thanks,” Pearl said. She opened it. She did it out of reflex…she should have just stuck with one…but she guessed she had another to finish too. There was something about people’s approval that made her want to continue.

 _This is your last one, okay?_ She took a couple sips and let it sink down her throat and spread in her belly.

As she kept drinking, chatter became less overwhelming. Her sight became a little less sharp. She stared at the blue haired girl, whose snubbing didn’t seem to bother her much anymore. Pearl wondered if she should talk to her.

“How are you, Lapis?” Pearl asked.

Lapis turned her attention away from Steven to look at her. “Fine.” 

“That’s very good.”

Pearl looked at Amethyst, who talked to Greg. She looked to Steven, Connie and Lapis, who all spoke together. She looked at Jasper, who was alone by the shore, smoking a cigarette and not looking approachable. Pearl looked back at herself. She kept sipping her drink. She eventually barged into Lapis’s and the kids’ conversation. Lapis stayed quiet while Steven and Connie asked her questions.

“You really lived in a city all your life?”

“I sure did,” Pearl said.

“What’s it like?”

“Very big and dirty.”

“Woah.”

Eventually her drink drained.

Jasper walked back to the circle. “It’s dark enough,” she told Greg.

Greg stood up. “I think you’re right! Who’s hungry?”

Steven raised his hand. “I am!”

“Hell yeah I am,” Amethyst said.

Jasper lit the fire while Greg grabbed the hotdogs. He stuck them to sticks and handed them to everybody. They went down the circle in single file and Pearl got hers.

Pearl looked at her hotdog. It was moist and in that disgusting shape. “I don’t eat hotdogs, but I suppose I can give it a try,” Pearl mused aloud.

“There’s turkey if you don’t want pork,” Greg said.

“I’ll give it a try but it will likely be gross.”

Jasper walked away.

“How come Jasper is alone?” Pearl asked Amethyst.

“Eh.” She rolled her eyes. “She’s just a grump.”

“I see.” She reached for another beer.

Her drink drained and her hotdog remained uncooked. How long did that take?

“You gonna roast your hotdog?” Amethyst asked.

“I guess I suppose.”

“You should before I eat it,” she joked.

“I know.” She tried to keep it balanced over the fire, which was a feat in itself.

She didn’t feel very hungry, honestly. She brought back the roasted meat and gave it a nibble, and then went back to sipping her next drink…when did she get another one? She wasn’t a fan of hotdogs. She supposed she could save room for cake.

Amethyst pulled another hotdog from the fire. “Oh yeah! Hit me up with another bun!”

“Pearl, you wanna get it? You’re closest.”

Pearl stood up. She was suddenly hit with a dizzy spell. She found herself on the dirt.

“Dude, are you good?” Amethyst asked.

Pearl blinked. She tried to think but the world kept spinning.

“Holy fuck, are you drunk?”

“…No…I can’t…that’s not supposed to happen.”

“It happens to the best of us.”

“The best of us get drunk at a kid’s birthday party?” Lapis said.

“I’m sure I’m just…buzzed…” Pearl said.

“Sure,” Lapis snarked.

“What’s your problem?” Pearl demanded.

Amethyst helped Pearl into her chair and headed to the cooler. Pearl gave Lapis a hateful look.

Voices blabbered but Pearl didn’t pay attention. She just stared at the fire.

Pearl managed to find herself another beer.

“Is Pearl okay?” It was Steven.

Steven was right next to her now. Pearl slapped his hand away…or tried to. “Get away.”

“Huh?”

“I said get awa-” Pearl’s stomach lurched. She was away from the fire now and blowing her stomach contents out into the sand.

“Ooooookay, P, I think you had enough.”

“Pearl, what happened?” Who said that? Greg?

“Get away,” she seethed. Greg stepped back.

Pearl hung her head. “I want nothing to do with you.” She aimed her pointer finger at him. “You. Nothing to do at all. Get away. You and Lapis both.”

“Why is she attacking me?” Lapis asked.

“Get away!” Pearl spat. Lapis rolled her eyes and returned to her seat.

“Dad? Pearl?”

“Steven, get back to the fire _now_ ,” Jasper growled. She dragged Steven away.

“Amethyst,” Greg said slowly. “I hate to say this but why did you bring Pearl here?”

“She wanted to go.”

“You know about the stuff between her and me. I want us to move on, but are you sure she does?”

“Don’t pretend you care,” Pearl slurred. “You never care. Fuck you! Get away!”

“I didn’t know she’d get trashed!” Amethyst said.

“I’m a toxic cunt…” Pearl mumbled. “That’s the-“   _hic_ “-a reason I’m here. Everyone should get away!” Tears collected in her eyes.

“Huh?”

“I’m a negative toxic bitch cunt.”

“Oh my God.”

Pearl stumbled up. “I may be a bitch, but you know who’s the bitchest big of all?” She pointed at Greg. “You, Greg. You.”

Amethyst laughed nervously. “Okay, Pearl, you’re trashed and this is embarrassing, let’s go-”

“NO! You need to hear this! Greg let her die!”

“Are you talking about Rose?!”

The stench of cigarettes filled Pearl’s senses all of a sudden. “Alright, Greg, get away from Pearl, and Pearl, shut your fucking mouth,” Jasper said.

“HIS PENIS IS THE RIFLE AND HIS SEMEN IS THE BULLET!!!” Pearl shouted at him.

Amethyst cackled. “Oh my God, did I actually fucking hear that-” She stopped when Jasper glared at her.

“Dad, what’s happening?”

“Nothing, Steven. Just stay by the fire-”

“That boy is proof,” Pearl said.

“Leave Steven out of this!”

“Right. He didn’t ask for this. It’s his sad life. He didn’t ask for his mother to cheat on me and die! Why did Greg support? I dunno. I don’t fucking know. I’d just be like ‘get an abortion, Rose, to not die’ and everyone would be spared.”

“Mom dated you?” Steven asked.

“No, Steven, she’s just being crazy-”

“DON’T LIE!” Pearl snapped at Jasper through her tears. “He deserves the truth! Get away, liar!”

“You need to shut your fucking mouth!”

“Jasper, calm down. Language, please,” Greg said.

“We were gonna marry once it was legal. But she cheated on me because…because I’m a toxic bitch. But Greg killed her and-”

“OKAY, THAT’S IT!” Jasper bellowed. “Everyone! Stop entertaining her! Listen to her and get back to the fire right now!”

“We shouldn’t leave her alone,” Greg said.

“I’ll keep an eye on her stupid ass. Just pretend she doesn’t exist,” Jasper said. She pointed at Amethyst. “And you! Don’t bring her back here again, you got that?!”

Amethyst said nothing. She covered her face with her hair.

“EVERYONE LEAVE HER!!!!” Jasper shrieked. They all scuttled away. Jasper walked away herself, her narrowed eyes on Pearl.

“N-no…don’t leave…” Pearl whimpered as the people disappeared. She collapsed in the sand and sobbed with her face on the ground, her fingers digging through it. “Please don’t leave!”

“No one pay attention to her!” Jasper growled to the others.

Pearl continued to cry. The sobs escalated into loud weeping.

“Shut up!” Jasper yelled at her. Pearl just wept harder.

Everything was terrible.

Pearl sniffled. She tottered back up.

She needed to cleanse herself of her poison.

She was a toxic bitch…all she was best at was making people sick. If Rose wasn’t sick, she wouldn’t have dated Greg. If she hadn’t dated Greg, she wouldn’t have died.

Pearl stood upon some rocks that jutted from the beach. She journeyed to the water.

“Jasper, are you watching her?” Lapis asked.

“Yeah, why?”

“She’s going to the water,” Lapis said.

“Jesus Christ!” Jasper stood up and stalked towards her. “Pearl, get back here!”

Pearl looked ahead of her. Water lapped against the rocks below her. On the other side was Jasper.

“Pearl, whatever you do, don’t step forward! I’m serious!” Jasper said.

Pearl stepped forward.

Freezing water smacked into and enveloped Pearl’s form. She sank. Something hugged her and pulled her back up.

\--

Pearl coughed. She coughed again and heaved out a surge of water. She opened her eyes. She was on land now. Lapis kneeled above her, shivering and also drenched. Others gave Pearl horrified looks. Steven hugged Greg.

Pearl tried to swat Lapis away. “Fuck…off…”

“You’re welcome,” Lapis droned.

Silence.

“Soooooo…” Amethyst said, rubbing the back of her neck. “We’re still having cake, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorrynotsorry for the secondhand embarrassment.


	5. Deal With It

Pearl’s head pounded.

“Ugh…stars…” she hissed. She brought a hand over her eyes and rubbed her temples as if that would help.

Pearl opened her eyes slowly, squinting against the light, her vision adjusting to the surroundings. She sat up and stopped. Her eyes were as wide as an owl’s as she looked around. Instead of wood, the walls were smooth and creamy. Instead of a brown, leather couch that was falling apart, the one Pearl sat on was blue and looked brand new. Instead of a tan, stained carpet, it was white tile. Photography and weird artwork lined the walls, none of which Pearl recognized.

This was not her place.

THIS WAS NOT HER PLACE!!! 

 _Oh my God…_ How did she end up here?! She recalled last night. It was a blur. She remembered something about hotdogs and fire pits and having a lot of drinks…wait…a lot of drinks?!

_Oh no…what did I do?! Oh my God! Where am I?!_

Pearl looked down at herself. She was wrapped in several thick, fluffy blankets. Seashells decorated the coffee table, and beside it sat a cup of what looked to be half-empty, cold cocoa. Flames flickered in the fireplace across from her. There was a note on the opposite arm of the sofa.

Pearl bolted up immediately, only to wince from pain in her head. She slowly crawled to the other side of the couch. She picked up the note and read it.

_Pearl  
This is Lapis. You got drunk and I took you to my house so we wouldn’t freeze._

Pearl furrowed her brow. Wouldn’t freeze? What was that supposed to mean? She looked down at the blankets that all fell to her ankles now, but that still didn’t explain anything. How on Earth was she freezing?

_I’m at work and I’ll be back home at 2:00pm. There’s breakfast on the table for you. Don’t touch anything else._

Pearl just gawked at the note. She placed it down and sat back, dumbfounded. Lapis’s note was helpful, sure, but there was still a lot Pearl didn’t know about! Like how she got here!!! If she was freezing, couldn’t Amethyst have just used the heater in the car or something?!

 _Unless this note is a lie and I’m here for something much worse,_ Pearl thought. She stumbled up and walked through the living room, scanning the place that was decorated in strange, artistic structures made of what she’d find in a junk yard. She also dug through her blotchy memory. She…honestly didn’t remember how she could have ended up here.

 _You really did it this time,_ she spat at herself.

Pearl spotted the kitchen and walked over. The countertops were made of marble instead of wood. The walls were a beautiful white, as were the tile floors. If being here didn’t disturb Pearl to the core, maybe she would have liked the interior of this place. Just the interior. There were some…questionable art pieces decorating every corner of the kitchen as well, including one that involved a toilet plunger that should not be in such a room.

A plate with a cinnamon roll sat on the table. It came to Pearl’s attention how much her stomach hurt, but she didn’t know if it was because she was sick or hungry. The first was confirmed when her gut lurched at the pastry’s smell. She pulled away, miserable, and tried not to breathe as she left the kitchen as fast as she could.

_I need to get out of here._

Pearl sped-walked back to the couch and scooped her phone off the coffee table. She opened Google Maps and saw that her location was on the outskirts of town, two miles from her own house- easily walkable. Pearl stuffed her phone in her pocket, grabbed her purse, and looked for the doorway before heading to it.

_Wait…don’t go yet!_

She walked back into the living room and glanced at the note. She dug around in her purse until she found a pen, and wrote something at the bottom of the note:

_Thank you for your hospitality. I headed back home so please don’t worry about where I am._

Now Pearl left.

She walked outside and crunched beside the front yard, passing an array of tacky garden decorations until she made it to the road.

The sun beat down on Pearl as she paced down the spread out neighborhood. She frequently checked her phone to see which road she was on and when she’d need to turn. A slight wind blew, but halfway through her journey, sweat formed on her head and dampened her hair.

Pearl kept her head down by the time she made it downtown. People walked down the strip mall. It came to her attention just how much she reeked- something between alcohol and fishy lake water. Her face flushed and she tried to stray far enough where no one could take a whiff. She probably looked horrible too, with her pants having splotches of dirt on them and her hair feeling out of place. Pearl tried to smooth it down.

After a few minutes of walking, she finally made it home. Pearl stared at the house, anxiety stirring up in her again. Questions ran through her mind.

_Why did Lapis take me to her house? How come I wasn’t here?_

_Does…does Amethyst hate me, perhaps? What exactly did I do last night? There had to be a reason I was at Lapis’s house instead of here…right?_

She took a deep breath. Regardless of why, she had to go in, or else this two miles of walking was useless. Besides, she needed a nice, refreshing shower and she couldn’t stand being outside in this unsightly state any longer.

Pearl reached out and slowly turned the knob, her hands shaking in the process. The door was unlocked. She cracked it open and the sound of a TV babbled. Pearl went inside. Amethyst laid sprawled on the couch, tapping away on her controller as her videogame character shot somebody.

Pearl swallowed. Should she say hi?

Amethyst blinked. She motioned her eyes to glance at Pearl. They were cold…unwelcoming….

Pearl’s heart sank.

She had failed.

Amethyst exited the game. “Hey.”

“Hello…”

“You warm now?”

Pearl rubbed her arm. So she knew. “Yes…”

“Good.”

Pearl didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what to do. Should she stay here? Should she go to her bedroom?

Amethyst sighed. “Of course you don’t say anything,” she muttered.

“What?”

“You couldn’t shut your fucking mouth last night, but now you don’t say anything, huh?”

Blood drained from Pearl’s face. She felt weak. She backed against the wall.

“Do you remember anything?”

“N…no…” Pearl mumbled. She looked at the floor. Her breath hitched.

“Figures. But you know what, Pearl? You got issues. Lots of them!”

Pearl said nothing.

Amethyst sat up. “Do you want to know what you did?”

“I don’t know…”

“You tried to pick a fight with Greg.”

Tears pricked Pearl’s eyes.

“You said Steven is proof of Rose’s death.”

Pearl covered her face.

“Then you jump into the water like an idiot and you had to be saved. But you know what you did after that? You tried to fight Lapis, the one who saved you. You slapped Steven. You-”

“Stop! PLEASE STOP!” Pearl cried. She burst into tears and hunched over herself. “I don’t want to hear anymore-” Her words got drowned out with sobs.

Amethyst pulled away. “Yeah. Go and cry about it. You _should_ feel like shit!”

“I’m sorry…”

“You should be.”

“…”

“What is wrong with you?”

“I don’t know…”

“You know, after eight years, I thought you’d fucking get over her, but I guess you fucking don’t!”

“Wh-what do you mean?”

“ROSE!” Amethyst spat.

Pearl sobbed.

“Let me tell you something, Pearl,” Amethyst seethed amongst Pearl’s crying. “You’re not the only one who misses her. She was my sister! I constantly have to deal with people like hers shitty decisions, and they should have nothing to do with me but I have to keep fucking dealing with them because those people are gone and I’m still here! I HAVE TO FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!! But I don’t fucking take it out on my nephew! So what’s the big fucking deal?!”

Pearl sniffled. “I…I wanted to move on. Th-that’s why I moved.”

“Yeah right! You moved to her hometown in a house with ME!!! That’s not moving on! Is that why you’re here?! Because of her?!”

“No-”

“DON’T LIE!!”

“I-I needed to leave! I saw your Facebook post an-and I had to go somewhere; I didn’t care where, I just had to-”

“You know, I thought it was pretty weird to let my dead sister’s ex move in with me, but I was desperate for a roommate. That’s all it is, Pearl! But…I shouldn’t have let you move in with me.” She sighed. “This is just too weird.”

Pearl’s breath stopped. She looked down in Amethyst’s eyes, fear stirring in her own as tears continued to streak down her face. “Amethyst,” she said. “I-I don’t have a job. I don’t have any money!” _She hates me, she hates me, she hates me-_

“Maybe you shouldn’t have moved to this shithole then! You should’ve just stayed in the fucking city where you belonged BECAUSE ONCE YOU’RE HERE, YOU’RE STUCK HERE FOREVER!!!”

Pearl bolted to her room.

“YEAH! GO AND RUN OFF!”

Pearl scrambled into her room and slammed the door. Her phone buzzed.

Still sobbing, Pearl pulled her phone out. It was a number she didn’t recognize.

**This is Lapis. I just got home and saw your note. Your wallet is still here.**

Pearl shook her head and put the phone down. She wasn’t in the mood for responding right now.

After a few minutes of crying, Pearl forced herself up. She dragged herself to the closet and pulled out a fresh pair of clothes. She headed to the bathroom.

The shower turned on. Pearl stepped in and let the heat pelt down her bare back. She no longer cried; only reran the stuff Amethyst had told her about what she’d done. Guilt wrenched in her.

_Did I really do all those things?_

Nothing had changed…had it?

\--

A few weeks ago…

_“What is wrong with you?!”_

_“What do you mean?” Pearl asked, shaking._

_“Stop acting like you don’t know! This just proves what a terrible person you are!”_

_“…”_

_“Tell me what you did. TELL ME! I want to hear it come out of YOUR mouth!”_

_“I…I messed up…”_

_“That’s it?”_

_“I…”_

_“TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!”_

_“I…made a scene…”_

_“Oh my fucking God. I am so done with you.”_

_“Sheena, wait!”_

_“Tell me what you did.”_

_“I don’t want to!” Pearl sobbed._

_“Because you’re a fucking coward! OWN UP FOR YOUR ACTIONS!!”_

_“Please, I can fix this. I can-”_

_“No. I’m done with your bullshit.”_

_“But-”_

_“Do you have any idea what you’re doing to me? How you’re manipulating and using me? And you embarrassed me in front of my friends! And the fact you THREATENED SUICIDE because I was mad draws the fucking line!”_

_“I didn’t mean to get up there and scare you like that! I-”_

_“But you did!”_

_“I’m so sorry-”_

_“Shut the fuck up and listen to me. You are a toxic, negative bitch, and I am done with you. I’m never bending over backwards for you ever again. You should be grateful I’ve been patient with you for this long!”_

_“Patient?!”_

_“YES!!!!! I dealt with your miserable bullshit for the past six months!”_

_“…”_

_“I’m…I’m so tired of it! I can’t stand this anymore! No person should be dealing with the shit you put on me!”_

_“…”_

_“You know I’m right.”_

_“I’m sorry…”_

_“Apologizing isn’t going to fix this.”_

_“I know.”_

_“You have forty-eight hours to pack your shit and move out. After that, don’t ever speak to me again.”_

\--

_Toxic, negative bitch._

She wasn’t fixing anything for being here, was she?

She had failed here too now. Now the people here were hurt because of her.

Pearl turned off the shower. Her body felt refreshed but her mind did not. After changing into something cleaner, she dragged herself out and made her way to her room.

A voice made her flinch.

“Hey, P?”

Pearl said nothing.

Amethyst stood on the other end of the hallway. She took a deep breath. “I’m not gonna kick you out. I was just pissed.”

“I understand why you were,” Pearl mumbled.

“I want to get along with you…it’s just…after all of this….”

“I’m sorry…”

“You need to do something about this.”

Pearl sighed. “I know. I’m…sorry. You’ve gone through a lot-”

“Don’t say it to me.”

“I need to apologize to Greg, don’t I?”

“No shit. Hold on. I’m gonna give you something.” She shuffled away. Pearl stood there. The footsteps returned and Amethyst handed her a paper.

An address was scribbled on the paper. Above it said _“Greg’s address”_.

Pearl stared at it. “Can’t I just…have his number?”

“Pfft. No. You need to be in person for shit like this.”

Pearl sighed again. “I don’t…know if I can….”

“Why?”

“There’s a reason I drank so much last night. I’m…” She swallowed. “I’m scared to face him.”

“Then why’d you go to the party?!”

“I wanted to change things!”

“You need to fix this shit.”

“I know…I know…”

“So suck it up and fucking do it!”

“Okay! I’ll g-get it done by today!” Pearl stammered.

“You better. It’s a walk away. My shift starts in thirty so you’re going there yourself.” Amethyst walked away.

Pearl stood there for a moment, processing what she had just said. She said she would apologize today…wait…today?! TODAY?!

She returned to her room and typed the address into Maps. Amethyst was right. It really was just a walk away: Just 0.5 miles.

Fear writhed in her. She decided to take her mind off it for a bit in order to calm down. She went back and applied to a few more jobs. Amethyst’s car drove away. Pearl glanced at the clock- it was 3:50 PM now. She had approximately one and a half hours of daylight left.

The phone buzzed again.

**Lapis: Are you going to pick up your wallet?**

Pearl sighed. She was so stressed out that she forgot to respond to Lapis.

**Pearl: Hello, Lapis. Thank you so much for your hospitality and for informing me about my wallet. I’ll come by and grab it tomorrow.**

**Lapis: Okay.**

Pearl exited the text message and looked back at Maps. Just 0.5 miles. All she had to do was say sorry, didn’t she?

But what if she didn’t have the right thing to say? What if Greg was so angry that he’d punch her…wait…no…Greg may have been horrible and saw Rose in secret whilst knowing she was with Pearl, but he wouldn’t physically hurt a woman. Perhaps he’d yell at Pearl though…had Pearl heard Greg yell before? Certainly not, but today could be an exception. That rare exception would be horrifying to experience.

 _But you screwed up. You’d deserve it! You have to do it anyway!_ Pearl spat. _You have to apologize._

She thought for a moment. Pearl walked back to the bathroom. She stood in front of the mirror and looked back at herself. _Okay, Pearl…you can do this._ “Greg…” she began. “I am sorry. For acting like a fool.”

“I am sorry for acting like a fool.” She repeated it a few more times.

Yes, that sounded good. Wait…shouldn’t she be more specific?! Or else that apology would sound halfhearted!

“Greg…” she began again. “I am sorry for blaming you for Rose’s death…although you did contribute to it by convincing Rose she loved you enough to keep your child-”

_Okay, maybe don’t brush over that part._

“Greg…I am sorry for slapping your son-”

Would that just trigger anger from him? Perhaps she shouldn’t brush over that part either.

“Greg…I am sorry for jumping in the water.”

_That has nothing to do with hurting him at all!_

“Fine! Greg…I am sorry for…being a horrible person.”

She bashed her own head on the wall. _Oh stars…what do I even say to him?!_

She glanced at her clock again. It was 4:00 now. The walk to Greg’s home would take approximately ten minutes, so there and back would take twenty minutes out of the day. That would make the remaining daylight one hour and ten minutes left for her.

_I’m sorry, Greg. I just…don’t know what to say…._

As horrible as it sounded, she honestly didn’t care about Greg’s feelings. She cared about Steven and Rose’s sisters more than anybody. Steven was just an innocent kid. A byproduct of Greg’s, Rose’s and her own mistakes. He didn’t deserve to see such an ugly side if Amethyst was correct about what Pearl had done. Amethyst and Jasper didn’t deserve being reminded of their sister’s death like that and to get undermined by Pearl’s own feelings. Tears pricked her eyes.

_Greg…I am sorry for hurting your son and everyone else._

Pearl blinked. Yes. That was…the only true apology she could think of.

_“Greg, I am sorry for hurting your son. I feel horrible for behaving terribly. Your son didn’t deserve it. No one deserved it.”_

Pearl straightened up. She grabbed her purse and headed out the door.

\--

It took massive effort to push herself down the street. The more steps it took to get to her destination, the more Pearl wanted to make a run for it back to the house. Instead she recited the apology in her head.

Pearl made the final turn and looked ahead of her. She stared at it. _A trailer park?_

…She wasn’t surprised. For some reason, she thought Greg would have lived in an actual house, considering he settled down here. She…wasn’t surprised he didn’t, though.

There was a time when Greg lived in his van. He used to live a nomadic lifestyle and came from God knows where, traveling the world and eventually stopping by in this little town, which began the love story between himself and Rose. He had done rock gigs for money which Rose had found endearing. It used to make Pearl shudder. _How could anyone live like that?_ her younger self had wondered. _Without a career, a future or purpose?_

Then again…that was back when Pearl relied on her parents and had a prestigious, upper class life. The joke was on her because little did she know, her present self wouldn’t have any of those three things either. Now she was jobless with less than $100 in her bank account. Living in a trailer park was still an awful lifestyle in her mind, but not as horrific as when she was fresh out of high school.

Keeping her eyes to the ground except to check the section numbers, Pearl shuffled into the park, hoping no one would look at her or start a conversation. She walked around until she came across a white mobile home with the section number she was looking for. Praying that this home was the correct one and reading her phone one last time to double check, Pearl walked up the steps.

_Knock knock._

“One moment!” a familiar voice said from behind the door. Pearl stepped back. Apprehension twisted in her gut.

The door opened. To her relief…or to her dismay…or to her relief? Greg stood in front of her. His genuine smile turned into a tight one.

“Oh…nice to see you, Pearl,” he said.

“Who’s here, Dad?” Steven’s voice said from behind him.

“It’s no one, Steven. Can you go to your room?”

“Okay.” Footsteps faded down the home.

Sweat pooled on Pearl’s temples.

“I didn’t expect you to be here,” Greg told her. She saw nervousness in his eyes, which only increased her own.

“Amethyst gave me directions.”

“She did?”

“Yes…she…she wants me to…apologize.” As soon as she said that, she wanted to slap herself.

 _YOU’RE ALREADY RUINING IT!!_ she screamed at herself.

Greg nodded.

Pearl’s muscles remained tense, but it wasn’t enough anymore. She felt herself visibly trembling. “I-I-” Even her voice quavered, sounding like she was about to cry. It only made things worse. “I’m s-sorry for-”

Her brain braked to a stop. What was she supposed to say again?! She closed her mouth. Her heart thumped. Her breath sharpened and her pulse pounded in her ears. Her mind began closing in on itself.

Greg breathed out a sigh. Oh no. That wasn’t good. THIS WASN’T GOING GOOD! Pearl’s breath hitched and she moved backwards down the steps, her heart jolting and swelling up, compressing her lungs. Her throat constricted on itself; her damp face burned. Each monstrous beat of her heart pushed it closer to exploding any second.

“Pearl…I need to talk to you-”

Pearl found herself running away.

“Pearl?” his voice said from far away.

She looked like a fool. She knew it. It made everything worse. But she had to run. She had to run and run and run and run and run-

Each step on the pavement felt like thunder that reverberated around her. The world blurred in a kaleidoscope of menacing colors that were all out to hurt her. Every noise boomed and scraped in her ears and rang through her head, blasting through every neuron and pounding into the surface of her skull. People’s voices chattered around her, but they were all about her, weren’t they? They were all about her. THEY WERE ALL ABOUT HER!!!! She had to run. She had to run and run and run and run and run-

_You’re dying, this is what death feels like, you’re going to die alone, you’re dying, this is what death feels like; you’re going to die alone-_

Pearl found the door to the house. She jammed the key in and flung the door open and bolted inside. She slammed and locked it, struggling to find her breath.

She had failed, she had failed, she had failed, she had failed, she had failed, she had failed-

Pearl stayed there for a long time, gasping for air. It took a while for the colors to unmerge. Her breath and her heart slowed down. All that remained was her throbbing head. Tears made their way back to her eyes and she collapsed on the ground, weeping. She had failed.

Her mind ran with thoughts. Thoughts of how good it would be to have a rope tightened around her neck. Thoughts of blood flowing out of her own open wounds. Getting hit by a bus. Having a bullet ripping through her head.

The only thing that held her back from making those thoughts reality was fear.

She thought about how much she deserved it though. For hurting Sheena, for hurting Amethyst, for hurting Jasper; for hurting a _child_. No one deserved it. She was a bad person and deserved to get punished.

Sheena was right. No one deserved to go through the shit she put people through.

When would she have the courage to kill herself? To even do the bare minimum such as hurt herself? More tears escaped her eyes and she realized she’d be crying for a while.

“I’m so sorry.”


	6. Maybe Everything Can Work

_Twenty-one years ago…_

“Are you ready for your first day of school?”

Pearl nodded eagerly. Mother finished adjusting the ribbon in Pearl’s hair. She took a step back to look at her. Pearl wore a bright, sea horse dress as her ginger hair swept over the back of it. A turquoise ribbon adorned her head.

“You just look so cute,” Mother said.

Pearl followed her into the kitchen and watched Mother pack her and her sisters’ lunches. She frowned as her mother placed a bag of baby carrots into the lunchbox.

“I want fruit snacks; not carrots,” Pearl commented.

“You do not need sugar,” Mother lectured. “You are a beautiful girl and I do not want you ruining that by getting fat.”

Pearl’s shoulders slackened. “Okay…”

“Let her have them, Mother,” her eldest sister, Yetta, said as she entered the kitchen. She sat on the bar stool. “She’s ugly and fat already.”

“No I’m not!” Pearl shot at her.

“Yes you are!” Yetta said back. “Fatty!”

“It’s baby fat!” Pearl said. “When babies are born-“

“Yeah, yeah, you don’t need to teach me anything, nerd-”

“Yetta, be nice to your sister _now!_ ” Mother said.

Yetta rolled her eyes. “I don’t feel like going to school.”

“Well you are,” Mother told her. “Be like Pearl, Yetta. She moved up two grades and is excited to start.”

“I don’t want her in second grade with me!”

“Well she is,” Mother said. “Pearl is going to have a bright and beautiful future ahead of her, aren’t you, sweetie?”

Pearl nodded.

“She is smart and she is beautiful. You should look to her as an example of what you should be.”

“What is going on?” another, softer voice said. Pearl’s second oldest sister and Yetta’s twin, Bleu, walked in the kitchen.

“Nothing,” Yetta muttered.

Mother scooped up the lunch boxes and handed them to each kid. “Now go outside and wait for the bus. It should be here any moment. Have a good first day of school!”

The kids obeyed her word and sat on the house’s steps. A few minutes later, a bus drove down the suburbs. It parked in front of their house and the girls boarded it together.

“You’ll be in hell here,” Yetta hissed in Pearl’s ear. “Just you wait.”

Pearl ignored her.

Pearl was going to have a bright future. One day, she’d go to university like Mother said and become an amazing adult, with a rewarding career, a big house, lots of money, a husband and kids. She’d be just like Mother. This was just the start of her journey to the top.

\--

_Twenty-one years later…_

Pearl refreshed her email. Aside from several junk mails, an email from the job posting site popped up. She tapped it.

**Have you heard back from McDonald’s? Please answer yes or no and fill out our review.**

Pearl sighed. She exited the app and placed her phone on the nightstand. She pulled the covers over herself. It didn’t matter if she was still in bed at 3PM. She just…didn’t care anymore.

It had been a week since Pearl’s “confrontation” with Greg. For the past week, she’d been hiding from Amethyst since Pearl broke her promise to her. She couldn’t bear seeing how angry Amethyst would probably be when she found out, and Pearl didn’t want to face it. Just the mere thought of somebody yelling at her made her eyes moist. It had already taken more than one cry just to get over the last time Amethyst was mad, and she still wasn’t over what she herself had done.

She had no reason to leave her room anyway. Pearl still didn’t get her wallet back from Lapis and Lapis (luckily or unluckily?) didn’t bother her anymore about it.

 _What is the point if I do not have my wallet?_ Pearl thought. _I have no money._ She closed her eyes.

_…Perhaps I need to move back in with Mother._

Her mind practically flinched at the thought. No…Mother would be so disappointed. Pearl would return to not hearing the end of how she dropped out of university, and then she wouldn’t hear the end of how she was gay, how she moved all the way over here and how she couldn’t find a job.

Not to mention, Mother would have to pick her up from this God-forsaken town since Pearl didn’t have enough money for a bus trip back to Texas. There’d be so much to explain.

Living with Mother would have to be a last resort. But…she already needed her last resort, didn’t she? She was jobless, had less than $100 to her name; she humiliated herself _again_ …. Pearl turned over and curled further beneath the covers.

Videogames mumbled from the living room. Pearl’s stomach rumbled but she ignored it. Pearl was already a spindly person, standing at 5’11 and only weighing 120 pounds, but she was positive she weighed even less this week. She had spent the past six days occasionally nibbling pretzels in her room and officially ran out of them yesterday, and she was too afraid to eat Amethyst’s food after everything that happened. The only reason she left the room this past week was to use the restroom and drink tap water, and only when Amethyst wasn’t around.

She winced when the door knocked. She thought it was her own at first, but realized it was the front door.

Amethyst opened it. “Lapis?” her voice said from the distance.

“Hey,” Lapis said.

“Whatcha doing here?” Amethyst asked.

“Your roommate left her wallet at my house and hasn’t come for it. I thought about dropping it off.”

Pearl groaned softly and buried her head in the pillow.

“Oh, thanks! HEY, P!!!”

Pearl hid further under the blanket. A knock pounded on her door. “P, you there?”

Pearl said nothing. She tugged the covers over her head as if that would help.

“I’m gonna spend all your money if you don’t come out!” Amethyst teased.

Pearl rolled her eyes.

“Is she home?”

“Pretty sure. She didn’t leave her room all week,” Amethyst explained to Lapis.

Pearl’s face flushed in anger and embarrassment. WHY WAS SHE RATTING HER OUT LIKE THIS!?

“My guess is she’s really zonked out,” Amethyst continued.

“She probably died,” Lapis said.

“Uhhhh…”

“It’s a joke,” Lapis told her. “Unless she actually did die. Then my condolences.”

“…”

“That’s a joke too.”

“Dude…” Her voice lowered. “What if she did?”

“Why would she?”

“I dunno. It’s been a week. And she’s so fucking quiet, I don’t hear anyone moving around and shit.”

“She could have choked to death. Maybe committed suicide,” Lapis said.

“That’s not really funny…and my mom committed suicide, so…”

“I’m not joking.”

“Fuck, dude!” The door pounded this time. “HEY, P, CAN YOU HEAR ME OR WHAT?!”

Pearl froze. She should definitely say something. Words caught in her throat before she could. She wondered what she should say.

“That’s it, I’m coming in. If you’re nude or getting off, you better say so now!” Amethyst shouted.

Pearl’s face burned at such a crude comment. She still couldn’t say anything.

“Alright, you better not be naked of cranking one out!” The door opened. Pearl wished she had a lock on that thing.

Pearl pretended she was asleep. The covers got torn off of her.

“A-Amethyst-!” Pearl stammered, breaking her ruse. Amethyst dropped the covers and heaved a sigh of relief. Lapis stood behind her.

“She’s alive,” Amethyst said to Lapis.

“…”

“You okay, dude?” Amethyst said.

“…I’m alright,” Pearl mumbled.

“You forgot your wallet,” Lapis said. She handed it over and Pearl grabbed it. She looked up in Lapis’s dark eyes and her face burned even more, probably even turning beet red. She hadn’t realized it at the party, but…Lapis was really _really_ pretty. Freckles covered her face and arms and she had a hint of muscles coating what would otherwise had been her svelte form.

Pearl snapped out of it. She slowly and shakily pulled the wallet back to herself. It came to her attention how much of a mess she was. She was still in her bird themed pajamas, she wore no makeup and her hair was a mess.

“Have you been in your room _all week?_ ” Amethyst said.

 _Will you not embarrass me in front of that girl?!_ “I’m…I’m tired…perhaps sick.”

“Do you need anything?”

“No…”

“You sure, dude?”

“Yes…”

“You just said you’re sick, dude.”

“Let her stay. She’ll come out when she does,” Lapis told Amethyst. “You like naps too so you’d get it.”

Pearl’s muscles relaxed slightly. Something about what Lapis said made her feel a little less like a freak.

“Chyeah, _naps_ , but I don’t stay in bed for a whole fucking week,” Amethyst said. “I mean, I want to, but I know I’d like get hungry or wanna play videogames or some shit at some point.”

“Some people do it. It’s not that weird.”

“P ain’t like us, Laps. P cleans all the time and applies to jobs and goes for walks. I don’t think she’s the ultimate napping type.”

Pearl sighed. Her face and ears were still hot.

“Ask Pearl,” Lapis said.

“Pfft, fine. P, what’s up?”

“I…have left the bed…” Pearl mumbled. “You just…didn’t see me….”

“The house is a dump and I’m the only one eating the food!”

 _Then clean it yourself for a change!_ “As I have said,” Pearl said with a sigh. “I am…sick…”

“Then I’m calling a fucking doctor.”

“N-no! I can’t afford it!”

Amethyst groaned. “C’mon, P! It’s obvious you’re not sick and it’s obvious something’s wrong!”

 _Won’t you shut your mouth?!_ Pearl covered her face.

“Just fess up!”

“…” _NOT IN FRONT OF THE GIRL FOR LORD’S SAKE!!!!_

Amethyst crossed her arms. “Fine. Be like that. I’m out of here.” She left the room. Lapis remained inside, watching her stomp down the hallway. Her back faced Pearl and Pearl got to take a look at the blouse that opened up at the back. Lapis had two angel wings tattooed to each shoulder blade. Pearl’s eyes sloped down the design, until she realized her gaze had diverted from the ink and was now tracing the curves of her back muscles.

Lapis waited until the creak of the couch was heard. “Hey…”

Pearl looked up. She looked away to pretend she wasn’t staring at her.

“…You’re not the only one that stays in bed for a long time,” Lapis said to Pearl.

“Hmm…” Pearl didn’t know what to say. Not to mention, what in the world was that supposed to mean?! Was she comparing Pearl to the terminally ill?!

“…I should go,” Lapis said. “Bye.” She followed Amethyst’s tracks. The door shut, leaving Pearl alone once again.

“Bye,” Pearl whispered, but it was too late. She turned over and inwardly screamed. That pretty girl…saw her in her bed, in her pajamas, at 3PM!!! Oh God! Why?! She hid to retreat; not to go through that! Pearl squirmed and continued screaming silently.

Her heart sank when she thought about Amethyst. Why was Amethyst so concerned? Was Pearl wrong about Amethyst hating her after all? Was Pearl worrying Amethyst for no reason?

 _Unless she hates you and only wants you to be alive out of human decency,_ Pearl thought to herself. Why would Amethyst care about her? She made a huge fool of herself and hurt Amethyst’s nephew. That couldn’t have been forgivable.

\--

_Twenty-one years ago…_

Kids yelled and ran on the playground. Pearl watched as she stepped out of the cafeteria.

“There’s no need to be shy, Pearl,” the teacher said from beside her.

“I’m not!” Pearl said with a smile.

“I’m very glad to hear that. I know you’re the youngest so if you do get overwhelmed, just let me know.”

“Okay, ma’am!” Pearl said.

“Now go have fun!”

“I will! Thank you!” Pearl left the teacher’s side and skipped to the playground. She scanned for kids to play with and spotted a group of girls on the swing sets that included her sisters. She headed toward them.

“Hi!” Pearl said with a wave. “I’m Pearl Page, Yetta and Bleu’s little sister! What’s your name?”

“Pearl,” Yetta gritted. “Get out of here.”

Bleu turned her head away from Pearl.

“What is everyone doing?”

“Swinging. Talking about boys,” a girl with frizzy, auburn hair said as she slowly swayed to and fro.

“Boys? Aren’t you too young to talk about boys?”

Yetta rolled her eyes. “Not for us.”

“Puberty doesn’t occur until the adolescent is around ten to fourteen.”

“Get away, Pearl!”

“But why? I want to play!” Pearl said.

“Yeah, like crossword puzzles and other teacher-y things,” Yetta said. Bleu kicked her.

“Let’s have fun,” Bleu said.

Frizzy Hair stood up. “We’re going to play ‘house’. I’m the mommy.”

“But I wanna be the mommy!” Yetta said.

“Maybe you can both be mothers,” Pearl pointed out. The girls looked at her weirdly.

“What’s wrong with your sister?” Frizzy Hair asked Yetta and Bleu.

“Nothing…” Bleu said.

“That’s the grossest thing ever. Only _gays_ do that,” Yetta said to Pearl.

“What’s gay?” Pearl said.

“You I bet!” Yetta spat.

“Nu-uh!”

“Uh-huh!”

“Nu-uh!”

“UH-HUH!”

Bleu shook her head. “Be quiet, Yetta.”

“Yetta can be the big sister and Bleu can be the baby,” Frizzy Hair announced.

Yetta crossed her arms and huffed. Bleu started sucking her thumb. “What about me?” Pearl asked.

“We didn’t say _you_ could play,” Frizzy Hair said.

“What? But…” Tears swam in Pearl’s eyes. “But…I want to. Yetta, tell her I have to.”

“No. I don’t want you here either.”

Pearl looked hopefully to Bleu. Bleu turned her back to her.

“Bleu doesn’t want you around either.”

“But-”

“No one wants a gross, ugly _baby_ to play with us!”

“I’m not a baby!”

“Yes you are! You’re five and we’re seven!”

“So?”

Yetta stuck her hand in the dirt and pulled out some mud. Pearl flinched and took some steps back. “Go or I’m hitting you with this!”

“I’ll tell Mother on you!” Pearl said.

“Of course you will, ‘cause you’re her stupid favorite!”

“I’m not stupid!” Pearl said. “Mother says I’m the smartest out of all of us!”

“And you’re five! That’s weird!”

“Yeah!” Frizzy Hair said.

“No it’s not-”

“Yes it is!”

“No it’s not! Mother says I’m perfect!”

“I DON’T CARE WHAT SHE SAYS!!!” Yetta pulled her arm back and lunged forward. The mud flung out her grip and splattered all over Pearl’s dress.

“I’m telling!” Pearl said through her tears. She was about to scramble away, but Yetta yanked her by the collar, eliciting another scream as she pulled Pearl up. “Bleu! Help me!”

Bleu did nothing.

“You’re not telling,” Yetta hissed in Pearl’s ear. “Or I will make your life hell.”

“B-but-”

“Mother can’t stop me. And if you tell on me, then that means you really are a baby.”

“I’m not a baby!”

“Then don’t tell on me!” She dragged Pearl and shoved her in the mud. Yetta and Frizzy Hair giggled and the three girls walked away. Pearl sobbed.

“Sorry about my stupid sister,” Yetta said from the distance as they walked away.

“She’s so annoying.”

\--

“Pearl, what happened to your dress?” Mother demanded as soon as the bus dropped them off.

Pearl stood in the doorway. She was so preoccupied with not finding a friend that she almost forgot about what Mother would think. Girls had scoffed at how dirty her dress was and had made comments about her ginger hair and big nose. Boys had avoided her too. She felt like an outcast for being the youngest and the kids made sure to make her keep feeling that way too.

She looked to the side to see Yetta give her a warning glare. Pearl sighed. “I…fell in the mud.”

“Oh, Pearl,” Mother said, shaking her head. “What did I tell you about watching where you’re stepping? Do you want to be a clumsy girl? How are you going to be good at your ballet lessons if you do this?”

“I’m not clumsy,” Pearl said.

“Then don’t tumble in the mud! I will try and wash your dress and it better not be stained. Get to the bath right now.”

Pearl dragged herself upstairs. Yetta watched her, sneer on her face. Mother watched her too.

“Pearl, carry yourself like a normal person!” Mother lectured. “Don’t walk like a heavy monster; that’s hideous and makes you look weird.”

Pearl straightened up.

“Now you’re too straight. Do I have to teach you everything? Walk like a normal person!” She clapped her hands after Pearl readjusted. “Pearl! Walk how you normally walk! For a smart girl, you are so clueless sometimes.”

Pearl tried to find the posture that she “normally had”, which she…had never thought about before. Eventually Mother went quiet, indicating Pearl had found the right position. Pearl continued her way upstairs while Yetta snickered from the first floor. Mother spat at Pearl’s older sister to not laugh.

\--

_Twenty-one years later…_

A few hours went by. Pearl fell in and out of sleep between browsing her phone. The smell of food woke her up. She tried to ignore it as she closed her eyes again.

Pearl’s phone buzzed. She checked it and her heart jolted. It was Amethyst, and the text filled her screen. Her breath stopped.

**Amethyst: I guess you don’t want to talk so I’ll just text you this. I know you didn’t apologize to Greg. I asked him.**

Shame filled Pearl up and gnawed her insides. How much did Greg tell her? She prayed Amethyst didn’t know about her running away…just thinking about it made her want to hide in a ball.

**Amethyst: Greg was shitty in the past but he’s an awesome guy now and he’s not gonna bite. Just try again. He’s the last fucking person who will judge your ass. I have no idea if that’s why you’re hiding but just get out already. No offense but you look like shit.**

**Amethyst: Oh yeah and there’s food outside.**

Pearl gulped and turned off her phone. She laid back down. There was a knock on the door.

She sat there for a while, expecting to hear a voice at some point but hearing nothing. Slowly, she pushed herself up. She trudged to the door and opened it, only to pause. Beneath her, so close to having been stepped on, was a plate with a slab of meatloaf and potatoes on it. Her mouth watered immediately and she found herself snatching it as fast as she could and retreating back to her bed.

Pearl tried to control herself as she ate it. She tried not to shovel it all in her mouth in one go, but rather by taking small, slow bites at a time. She failed in that regard as she found herself swallowing big bites that were halfway-chewed as if she were some crude dog. She normally wasn’t one for meatloaf but this one was so good. She’d have to thank Amethyst for this later-

_JINGLE JINGLE! JINGLE JINGLE! JINGLE JINGLE!_

Pearl jumped at the loud sound before she checked the phone. The number’s name said “Oasis Motel”. Pearl’s eyes brightened and without thinking, she tapped the answer button before remembering her mouth was still full. She shuddered as she gulped it all down.

“H-hello?” Pearl asked.

“Hi. I am looking to speak to Pearl Page.”

“That’s me.”

“Great! You applied to us two weeks ago and we just finished reviewing your application. Are you still looking for an interview?”

Tears welled up in Pearl’s eyes. She tried to keep herself together as she responded. “Th-that will be great. Yes.”

“Awesome! We have this Friday available. What time would work best for you?”

“Any,” Pearl said.

“Alright. How about this Friday the 16th at 10:30 AM?”

Pearl nodded until she remembered they couldn’t see that through the phone. “That is perfect,” Pearl said.

“Alright, I will see you Friday then! Thank you for your time!”

“You too,” Pearl said.

They both said goodbye and hung up. Tears freely streamed down Pearl’s face now. She’d practically be leaping with joy if she was energetic enough to. All she could do was cry.

She knew it wasn’t an official job yet, but she finally had a chance at getting one now.

Perhaps life wouldn’t be so bad here after all. After crying a little more, she picked up her plate and ate the rest of the food. Amethyst didn’t hate her…she might get a job…yes…she could make this work! Maybe everything else could work too! She could reconcile with Greg! She could-

Her phone buzzed again. Pearl expected it to be the motel or Amethyst but realized it was her mother. She furrowed her brow. There was one thing she forgot…her family had no idea she was gone.

**Mother: Don’t forget that Thanksgiving will be at my home on the 22nd. I will see you there.**

"Goddammit."


	7. Oasis Motel

“So…job interview, huh?”

Pearl nodded. She sat at the table, embellished in her nicest button up and slacks, wearing natural lip gloss and her hair combed out with gel. She had spent at least an hour in front of the mirror just to look her best.

“I hope you get it, man,” Amethyst said, scooping eggs onto a plate. “Want breakfast? It’s the most important meal of the day.”

“Just an egg,” Pearl said. She sipped her tea. She felt nervous about eating in her interview clothes, but she supposed an egg wouldn’t hurt as long as it wasn’t runny. “Over hard, please.”

“Over hard it is.” Amethyst cracked the egg and dripped it into the pan. Keeping one eye on the egg, she headed to the cabinet and pulled out syrup. Her toast popped out the toaster and she scooped both slices onto her pile of food.

Amethyst brought the overfilled plate to the table. “Sorry. I multitask. My job rubbed the hell off on me.” She went back to the egg.

As Pearl waited, she analyzed Amethyst’s plate. It consisted of three eggs, six pieces of bacon and two toasts. The eggs and bacon shimmered beneath a plethora of grease. Suddenly Pearl didn’t feel so hungry anymore.

Pearl’s egg finished. Amethyst set it in front of Pearl and she proceeded to sit in her own seat. Amethyst lifted the syrup and spurted it all over her food. Pearl tried not to cringe. Doesn’t that belong on pancakes?

“Need me to drive ya there?” Amethyst asked.

Pearl shook her head. “It’s just…a mile away.”

Amethyst cut into the greasy mass of syrup. “The perks of living downtown. You’re close to everything. I mean, I still wouldn’t walk a fucking mile, but I know you would.” She shoveled the food in her mouth.

Swallowing down disgust, Pearl glanced at her own food. She was relieved to see that Amethyst’s eggs had soaked up most of the grease. This one was a little shiny, but nothing as artery blocking as whatever was on Amethyst’s plate. She nodded at Amethyst’s words and then took a small bite. It had a faint taste of bacon on it, but it wasn’t bad.

“What’s the job for?”

“Housekeeping.”

“Sweet. You’ll do great then.”

Pearl blushed. “Thank you.”

“What place?”

“A motel.”

“Nice. I wish you luck.”

“Thank you…”

They didn’t say much after that. Pearl recited all the questions and answers she could think of as Amethyst gobbled her plate clean. She stood up and placed it in the sink. She yawned.

“Whelp. I better get to bed,” she said, stretching. “That night shift fucking killed me. Good night…or morning…or whatever you want to call it.”

“Okay,” Pearl mumbled. “Thank you for the egg.”

“Yup.” She headed to her room. “I wish you luck.”

The door closed. Pearl finished her egg and looked at the clock. She had an hour and could make it to the motel in thirty minutes or less, so that gave her twenty minutes to spare if she wanted to turn up early.

Pearl used her remaining time doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. She thought about what would happen if she got the job. Amethyst would have to start pulling her weight in terms of cleaning the house…a relieving, yet fear inducing thought.

 _You shouldn’t be worrying about that. You don’t even know if you’re getting this job._ Pearl winced and then sighed. Right…she didn’t know if she would get this job….

 _Now don’t mope either! Be positive! You have to be happy or else they are not going to hire you._ She forced on a smile. Yes…she needed that winning smile.

Pearl finished cleaning the kitchen just in time to leave. She looked in the mirror one last time before walking outside. She didn’t think about it before, but it was a good idea to have the interview this early. The weather was especially chilly at this hour and there was less likelihood she’d sweat…well…not from heat anyway.

To her dismay, her hands began to feel clammy. Her heart accelerated and her stomach twisted in knots.

She may have cried tears of joy when she landed the interview, but now she wanted to cry tears of fear. Why was she such a crybaby? It was so embarrassing. She swallowed the lump in her throat.

 _Remember, no crying. I need to look professional and to act my age. I’m going to an interview…an…an…OH GOD, I’M GOING TO AN INTERVIEW!_ Her feet twitched to the side as if they wanted to make a U-turn back to the house.

 _No! Snap out of it! You are broke! You need work! You are going to this no matter how scared you are!_ Pearl clenched her fists, increasing the foul, slimy moisture that coated her palms. She took a few deep breaths and rehearsed, hoping that would take her mind off her emotions. Before she knew it, she was at the motel.

A bright, peach-colored building stood in front of her. Pearl didn’t even need to recheck her phone to confirm this was the place. Right next to the driveway, a huge, yellow sign with fat, red letters spelled out the words “Oasis Motel”. Beneath the popping letters in a smaller, dark font said “fresh food” and “canyon tours”.

Pearl swallowed. If her hands were clammy then they were certainly soaked to the bone now. Oh no…wouldn’t she have to shake the interviewer’s hand?! Pearl wiped her hands down her pants, feeling slimier than before, and stepped forward.

Pearl went inside and stared at the front desk. She tried to control her breathing. Before she could build up the courage to approach the girl behind the counter, the girl looked at her.

“Welcome to Oasis Motel! How can I help you?” she asked.

Pearl adjusted her collar. _No fidgeting._ Pearl dropped her hand. She forced on a smile. “I’m here for a job interview?” _Did you actually phrase that as a question?!_

“Okay! I’ll let Suzanne know. Your name?”

“P-Pearl Page…”

“Alright! Hold on one moment.” The girl stood up and clacked down the hall. As soon as Pearl was alone, she gasped for air. Reality suddenly hit her like the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs, obliterating her sanity with realization.

_Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, this is actually happening, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God-_

The girl returned. Pearl stiffened. “She will be here any moment! Take a seat if you like.”

Pearl nodded. She shuffled to a yellow armchair and her behind sank into it while her spine remained straight. She folded her hands in her lap and glanced around. Picturesque photography of the canyons and lake decorated the bright walls. Faint pop music played from the front desk, which the girl nodded her head to.

A door clicked open in the distance. Footsteps pounded down the halls. Pearl’s temples dampened from sweat, increasing with each reverberating step. She prayed that the sweat wasn’t visible.

A woman with long, black hair approached her. “Hello. I am Suzanne. You must be Pearl Page,” she said with a smile.

Pearl forced a smile back on. It felt wobbly and tight at the same time. “Th-that’s me,” she said. _Can you not stutter?!_ She gulped. “It is very nice to meet you.”

“You too.” She held her hand out. Pearl placed her hand in it. She squeezed and shook it, then pulled away. “Why don’t you follow me?”

Pearl nodded. “Okay.”

She followed Suzanne down the hall and entered an orange room. A large, black desk sat in the corner of the otherwise small space. The woman took her seat in a cushy computer chair. Pictures of children, mostly of them in a green field and wearing sports uniforms, lined the shelves. Triangle flags hung up on the walls with names and logos of teams Pearl didn’t care about.

“Go ahead and take a seat,” she said.

Pearl nodded again. She sat in the plastic one across from her.

Suzanne leaned back. “So what made you consider working for us?”

“I have experience in the housekeeping industry,” Pearl told her. “I am an organized and tidy person who not only makes sure to complete my work thoroughly but also to exert the same efforts when outside of work. I take value in creating clean spaces for myself and others to find comfort in.” The words flowed out of her, all rehearsed.

“I took a look at your resume and it says you have eight years of experience in hotel housekeeping, correct?”

Pearl nodded.

“You have a very good background.”

Pearl blushed. “Thank you.”

Suzanne smiled. “So what brought you all the way to Beach City?”

 _Is this…part of the interview? Is this…small talk?!_ Pearl’s face flushed harder. She didn’t rehearse this one! Oh no, oh no, oh no! A sweat drop ran down unpleasantly next to her ear. “I-I just…I-I just wanted a change.” She grinned.

“Changes can be great. You know, I lived in Florida with my husband and kids for eight years before moving here. It was such a breath of fresh air.”

Pearl nodded. _Say something, won’t you?! Are you a bobble head?! CUT IT OUT!!!_ But her mind couldn’t think of anything to say. All she could think about was how much sweat was on her and how fast her heart was beating.

Suzanne’s voice dropped back into a professional tone. “Okay, I have a scenario question for you. If a client was upset at you, how would you handle it?”

 _Cry._ “I would remain calm, listen to the client and reassure them that I will assist them in any way possible.”

Suzanne nodded and jotted something down.

 “Are you able to work alone?”

 _That is the only thing I’m good at!_ “Yes, I have been commended for my independence in the workplace.”

Suzanne asked a few more questions, all of which Pearl answered to the best of her ability. She looked at her notes. “Alright, Pearl. That’s all the questions I have. Do you have any of your own?”

Pearl’s heart fluttered. What exactly was she supposed to ask again?! Her mind started to close in on itself. _Oh no…oh no!_ “Um…wh-what do…what is the next step to this interview process?” _THAT was your question?! Are you kidding me?!_

“That’s pretty much it.” Suzanne stood up. “Thank you so much for your time, Pearl!”

Pearl smiled and stood up as well. “You are very welcome.”

“Our other interviewee didn’t show up today. One of our two housekeepers is quitting and we are in desperate need.”

“What…happened to the other staff?”

“Seasonal workers. We mostly hire kids that leave their towns for the summer. Not much people visit this time of year, except for people passing through,” she said.

“I see,” Pearl said.

“We need to cut our staff in the winter since there’s so little business. Then in the summer…the population booms, the business booms, so the employment booms. Or well…it used to before the drought.”

“Th-that’s…too bad. I would love to…to be part of this company.” _Definitely not because I need money._

“You must be a good housekeeper if you held down a job at such an impressive hotel for six years.”

“Why thank you.”

“Would you like a tour of the building?”

Pearl nodded. “I would love to. It’s a…a beautiful building.” Her old job, at an expensive hotel dead center in the city’s downtown, was much nicer than this place, but she may as well kiss this hiring manager’s ass.

“Thank you! It’s a small and quaint motel, isn’t it?”

Suzanne showed Pearl around the motel. They walked outside and paced down the pathway, passing the untouched pool and observing one of the rooms. It was a small, cramped room, with a two twin sized beds that took up most of the space. In the corner was a mini table and two chairs.

“Not that much to clean,” Suzanne said. “All left to see is the snack bar.”

“Alright,” Pearl said as they both walked out. They headed back into the lobby’s direction and walked onto a patio across from it, where there stood two tables and a soda machine. Suzanne opened the door.

“If residents are hungry, we have a variety of snacks for them to purchase,” she explained as Pearl analyzed the fridge full of drinks and the shelf full of candy. “We also cook fresh food that varies throughout the day. Six to eleven AM for breakfast, twelve to five PM for lunch, and five to ten PM for dinner.”

Pearl nodded.

“Here’s our cook right now. Hi, Jasper!”

Pearl froze. Jasper?!

Just to confirm her fears, that familiar, hulking form walked out the kitchen door. She headed to the counter, her hair tied back in a bun and a hair net strapped over it. “Hey, Suzanne,” Jasper said. Fuck…what was she doing here?! She looked at Pearl and her eyebrows rose.

Pearl bit her lip.

“This is our new housekeeper,” Suzanne said.

 _New housekeeper…_ Pearl thought, repeating Suzanne’s words through her head. _New housekeeper…well…I suppose I cannot back out now, can I?_

“Hey, Pearl,” Jasper said. Pearl flinched

Suzanne’s eyebrows were the ones raised now. “You know her?”

“Yup. She dated my…” Her words drained out and she frowned. Pearl’s heart jolted. What was that supposed to mean?! Jasper gave Pearl a look as if she were asking for Pearl’s approval on something.

“Brother,” Pearl lied in a whisper. “I dated her…b-brother.” Technically she wasn’t in the closet, but that didn’t mean she wanted her work to know.

“I didn’t know you have a brother,” Suzanne said.

Jasper rubbed the back of her neck. “Eheh…I do. He’s overseas…in…Georgia.” Also a lie. Was she…covering up for Pearl?! Was Pearl hallucinating this?!

Not to mention… _Georgia isn’t overseas! Oh…unless you mean the country. Alright, I suppose that’s overseas…_

“I have family in Georgia! Which part?”

“Atlanta.”

_Never mind._

“Well it’s good you both know each other.” She turned to shake Pearl’s hand. “It was very nice having you today, Pearl. Welcome to the team.”

“Thank you so much,” Pearl said.

“No problem. Could you begin orientation on the 26th?”

Pearl nodded.

“Perfect! I will see you then!” She turned and left through the door. Pearl stood there, petrified, mind trying to grind its gears back to a functioning state. Her eyes were wide and her face was as pale as a ghost’s

Jasper kept rubbing the back of her neck. “So…”

“Th…thank you…” Pearl mumbled.

“Yeah.”

“…”

“…”

“…”

“I didn’t know you were closeted. No pressure.”

“Yeah. Um…uh…bye.”

“Bye.”

Pearl walked away. The door jingled shut behind her. She headed home on fast feet, shrieking silently. The screams may have been silent, but it was torment on the inside.

 _WHAT ON EARTH WAS THAT!?!?!??! WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT WAS THAT!??!?!?! OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!_ She may as well be screaming in her head for eternity as she made her way back home.

_OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL NO NONONONONONONONONONO-_

_Did I…did I actually do that?! DID I ACTUALLY FORCE A LIE ONTO JASPER IN THE WORKPLACE?! OH MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I’M SUCH A CUNT!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL-_

Pearl barely even noticed that she made her way back home. She walked inside and closed the door. She stomped into the kitchen and steeped chamomile tea to calm her nerves. But how could she calm her nerves after that?!

Pearl swiftly picked her tea up and walked to her room. After setting it on the nightstand, she flopped onto her bed…her sanctuary…the only place where she wasn’t a social nightmare.

Well…at least she got a job. That was…good at least? She relaxed. Yes…that was good. That was very good! SHE ACTUALLY GOT A JOB! She could make money again! Pay rent! Buy food! Not eat Amethyst’s greasy cooking-

Jasper cooked too. Jasper was her coworker.

_OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE-_


	8. This is Family, Don't Be Rude

Well…the day was finally here.

Pearl sat on the couch. Her filled suitcase stood next to her feet as she sipped the final drops of her tea.

She tapped on her phone, playing some puzzle game to kill time. When she was halfway through one of the levels, her phone buzzed. A notification popped up.

**Yetta: We’re in Beach City now. We’ll be there any minute.**

**Pearl: Okay.**

_Alright…here goes nothing._ Pearl stood up and placed her hummingbird mug in the sink. Since she had cleaned Amethyst’s dishes all these weeks, she supposed it wouldn’t hurt for Amethyst to do Pearl’s for a change. She hoped Amethyst would keep the house clean while she was gone. The last thing she wanted was to come home from a long trip and be bombarded by a filthy house.

She had just returned to the living room when the sound of a car pulled in. She looked out the window to see a minivan in the driveway.

_I could have just told nobody I was here,_ Pearl thought as she hesitantly wrapped her hand over the suitcase’s handle. _I could just not show up either._

_Oh, quit it! That is so rude! This is your family!_ She was going whether she liked it or not.

Just a few days ago, Pearl had texted her sister to ask if she was passing through Beach City. When Yetta said yes, Pearl had spilled the beans, saying that she lived in this shabby town now and that she’d need a ride. Yetta had caved to pick her up…to her surprise.

She dragged her suitcase outside. The passenger seat window rolled down.

“Hello, Pearl,” Yetta said.

“Hello.”

“I unlocked the trunk for you.”

“Thank you.”

Pearl threw her suitcase in the back and returned to the minivan’s side. She slid the door open (after trying and failing to pull it open like the way most cars worked) and crawled inside. Yetta’s husband, Jonathan, looked over his shoulder from the driver’s seat and smiled at Pearl.

“How are you, Pearl?” he asked.

“I’m alright,” Pearl mumbled.

“Aunt Pearl is here!” a voice said from behind her.

“Hi, Aunt Pearl!”

Pearl looked over her shoulder to see four kids clumped in the back row. They looked at her, eyes bright and excited to see their aunt. It made her feel warm and important inside. All of them had blonde hair and blue eyes, just like their mother and father. She smiled.

“Hello, Jonah. Hello, Joseph. Hello, Jeremiah.” She set her gaze on the youngest child, who still sat in a car seat instead of a booster seat like the others. “And hello, Israel! You’ve all grown so big!”

“I colored a picture!” Joseph, the six-year-old and the second oldest, said. He held out a ripped out coloring book page of a pig sitting in the mud, sloppily colored in with a green crayon. “It’s an Angry Birds pig.”

“It sure is!” Pearl said.

They all barged in on each other to show Pearl the pictures they colored during the car ride.

“Those all look so wonderful,” Pearl said. “You boys will make outstanding artists.”

They drove out of town as Pearl talked to them and marveled at their stories, drawings, toys and videogames. The last of the canyons dwindled away as they got closer to the flatland.

Eventually the boys tired out on showing off all their things and returned to their iPads. Pearl looked out the window to watch the faint silhouette of the mountains fade away.

“I haven’t seen you in such a long time, Pearl,” Yetta said from the front. “How have you been?”

“I’m alright,” Pearl said.

“I see.” Yetta’s tone indicated that she didn’t believe her. “So what exactly brought you to such a town?”

Well…Pearl knew this was bound to happen. Luckily for her, children were in the car, so it wasn’t as if the conversation could escalate. “I just wanted a change.”

“I see…” Still didn’t believe her. “How long have you been staying there?”

“About a month. Since mid-October.”

“Does Mother know?”

“Of course not,” Pearl said. “I…haven’t broke the news to anybody except for you, actually.”

“Have you been feeling alright, Pearl?”

Pearl furrowed her brow. “What do you mean?”

“This just…isn’t like you. You and I both know you are an indoors person and you hate being in the middle of nowhere. You wouldn’t just move to Beach City without some drastic reason. The place is dump there! There is nothing there that pertains to your interests! Your tastes are much more refined than that and I know you wouldn’t willingly move to such a place.”

Pearl crossed her arms. “Well I did willingly move there, thank you very much.”

“I thought you loved your job and city. And don’t you…you know…” Her voice dropped into a whisper. “Have a girlfriend?”

Pearl resisted rolling her eyes. As if mentioning her sexuality in front of the boys was considered inappropriate…her identity wasn’t R rated! “We broke up, clearly. And I simply wanted a change.”

“So that is why you moved!”

“Wh-what?!”

“You broke up! Oh my God! Did she kick you out?! Did she-”

Pearl looked away, glad that because of the seating, Yetta couldn’t see the pain in her eyes. “I’d prefer not to speak about it.”

“You’re there because of that other girl too, aren’t you?!”

“No!”

“Be honest, Pearl!”

“I am being honest. I just…I just…” She breathed out a sigh. “Her sister needed a roommate and I needed somewhere to go…”

“Her _sister?!_ ”

“It is not what you think it is!”

“Pearl, that is sick!”

“No it isn’t! It is not what you think it is-”

“Isn’t she bisexual? That’s what you told me once, didn’t you?!”

Pearl’s face burned as red as a tomato. Thinking about Amethyst that way?! Amethyst was just a friend and that was it! “Just because we’re both LGBT does not make us want to-”

“What’s an LGBT?” Jonah asked from the back.

Pearl opened her mouth to explain but Yetta beat her to it. “It’s a sandwich, sweetie.”

“Can I eat one?”

“When we arrive to the next gas station, you can.”

Pearl glared at her and shook her head.

“How long has it been again since you’ve seen the kids, Pearl?” Yetta asked.

“I think it was over year ago?” Jonathan said.

“Oh yes! Israel was only six months old! He sure is becoming a talker now,” Yetta said. “He loves singing the happy birthday song every day.”

Pearl giggled weakly. “That’s funny.”

“He is just like you. Never stops talking. I remember when you would never shut your mouth, Pearl.”

“Mm…”

Yetta looked back at the kids. Pearl looked back too to the see two kids absorbed in their iPads while the other two, including Israel, slept. “Well I suppose I cannot make him sing it to you right now,” she commented.

“It’s alright. It isn’t my birthday,” Pearl said with a laugh.

“Very true.” She leaned back in her seat. “I sure hope my next child is a girl.”

Pearl remembered the Facebook post announcement from last month. “How is your pregnancy going?”

“It isn’t showing just yet but I’m feeling it,” Yetta said. “I really hope it’s a girl. You have no idea what it’s like to live in a home full of boys. No offense, honey,” she added to her husband.

“None taken.”

“I’d just love to have a girl that I can doll up. I guess God just wants me to bring boys into the world.”

Pearl nodded.

Pearl remembered when Israel was born. She was surprised when the Facebook post announced that her forth child’s name started with an “I” instead of a “J”. _“We wanted to change things up a little,”_ Yetta had said.

Purples and pinks and oranges bathed the sky as they continued driving. Buildings started to pop up. The boys were asleep and Pearl was feeling drowsy herself.

Pearl’s eyes drooped and she leaned her head against the window. Her consciousness drifted away and swirled with thoughts that didn’t make sense. When she snapped out of it and bobbed her head back up, buildings surrounded her. Signs and street lights illuminated the darkness. The streets were familiar and that’s when she knew she was back in her neck of the woods.

_Welcome back,_ Pearl thought to herself. Skyscrapers disappeared as they left downtown and entered the suburbs.

The suburbs Pearl grew up in were one of the nicest in the city, with several-story homes, beautiful brick walls and metal fences, and huge, green lawns. She hadn’t been in these parts in years, save for Christmas and Thanksgiving. In all those occasions, she had spent the duration of them tipsy on the expensive wine provided. Being sober around her mother was a difficult feat.

The car pulled up the wide, cement driveway. A three story house towered over them and spread out across the huge property that was lined with hedges and a black, metal fence. The windows glowed orange in the darkness.

Already Pearl needed a drink.

She shuddered as soon as alcohol entered her mind. _Absolutely not!_ She was not going to touch any alcohol this year! Not after…what happened last time. Just looking at Amethyst’s beers in the fridge had made her cringe.

Yetta and Jonathan hopped out the car. They helped the drowsy children out, who were all waking up and increasing in excitement about being at their destination. Pearl remained in the car.

“Are you coming out?” Yetta asked Pearl.

“My leg is asleep,” Pearl lied. “I’m letting it wake up a bit.”

“Hello, everyone!” a voice said from the distance. Pearl sunk in her seat, hoping she couldn’t be seen through the window. She peaked up to see that her mother and father had opened the door. Mother paced down the steps.

“Grandma!” the kids cried. They all scampered to Mother and Mother gave each one a hug and smooch.

“Is anyone going to say hi to me?” Father said from behind her. The kids rushed to him next and he gave them all high fives.

Mother approached Yetta. “I am so glad you came,” Mother said, hugging her next.

Yetta laughed. “Well I certainly would never miss Thanksgiving. Especially when I’m so ravenous.”

“How is the baby?”

“It’s coming along. Soon enough it’ll be obvious I’m pregnant.”

“I am so excited for you, dear.”

“Thank you, Mother. How is Bleu?”

“Bleu is already here with her fiancé. I cannot wait for you to meet him. He is so handsome, not to mention smart and wealthy. He is an entrepreneur, you know.”

“He must be a hard worker,” Yetta said.

“It does explain his wealth, that is for certain.”

Pearl rolled her eyes. He probably was a hard-worker- being an entrepreneur was a hard job- but of course they’d link his work ethic to his money. Yet the family considered Pearl, who’d worked countless double shifts at her old job and even had two jobs before that one, who stood on her feet for over twelve hours and covered in sweat at the end of the day, lazy.

_Oh, stop with the entitlement! You deserve to be called lazy._ She dropped out of university, after all.

“I am not sure when Pearl will be here,” Mother continued. “She will likely show up tomorrow as she usually does this time of year.”

“Actually,” Yetta said. “Pearl is here right now.”

Well…this was bound to happen as well. Pearl sighed.

“She is?”

Pearl sighed again. She opened the door and slid out. She waved weakly, smile plastered to her face. “Hello…Mother….”

Mother looked at her and frowned. “Hello, Pearl,” she dripped. “Come here and give me a hug, dear.”

Pearl walked into Mother’s open arms. They pulled away no more than a second later.

“I did not expect you to arrive here the night before Thanksgiving. Usually you just arrive for the day.”

Pearl’s smile remained glued on her, begging to fall off her face already. “I wanted to…make a change.”

“A change, you say? I sure hope that includes the other aspects of your horrid lifestyle.”

_Great, she’s already bringing this up. We just said “hi”!_ “Not at all,” Pearl gritted. “I absolutely enjoy tainting the world with my sexuality, lack of a degree and my blue collar work ethic.” She shouldn’t have said that, but wow did Mother piss her off.

Mother rolled her eyes. “Of course. Well come on in, dears.” She headed up the steps and into the house.

Yetta stomped on Pearl’s foot. As Pearl winced, Yetta stood on her toes to reach Pearl’s ear. “Do not start this.”

“She started it!” Pearl hissed back.

“I do not care. I want this to be a civil Thanksgiving for once.” She pulled away and followed Mother. Pearl grabbed her suitcase and trudged from behind.

Mother turned to Pearl as soon as she entered the coatroom. “Your room is where it always has been.”

Pearl nodded. “Alright. Thank you.” She pulled her suitcase as she headed to the living room.

“Pearl.”

Pearl turned back. “Yes, Mother?”

Mother opened her mouth. Before she could utter a word, Father barged in. “Pearl, sweetie! How are you?”

“I’m alright,” Pearl said.

“Why don’t you give your old man a hug?”

Pearl hugged him. They pulled away and Father led her out the coatroom. They walked into the living room, where the kids sat on one couch and Bleu sat on the other. Spongebob played on the ultra HDR smart TV that filled one whole section of the wall, with his obnoxious voice reverberating from the surround sound speakers that lined the room. Pearl walked past the kids who absorbed the cartoon. She sank into the lounge chair.

Bleu looked up at Pearl. She sat across from her as she leaned into her fiancé. “Hello, Pearl. It’s been so long. How are you?”

“I’m alright. How about you?”

“Wonderful. Sean and I are still planning our wedding and we are both so excited.”

“That is wonderful to hear-”

“Pearl.”

Pearl jolted and looked around. Mother stood next to the bookshelves, gesturing for her to come over.

Pearl gulped. She stood up and slowly made her way over. She joined Mother’s side.

“I have a question to ask you, Pearl,” she said quietly.

“Yes, Mother?”

“You are not planning to bring that girl, are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“That girl…that you are with.”

“Sheena?”

“Whatever her name is.”

Pearl shook her head.

She nodded. “Good.”

“Good?”

“As I have said. Good.”

Pearl narrowed her eyes. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“She is just…not suitable for this gathering. With those piercings, those tattoos, that body hair…. I was just worried you’d bring her to Thanksgiving while the kids are around.”

_Why on Earth is body hair inappropriate?!_ “We broke up over a month ago,” she admitted.

“Good riddance.”

Pearl’s heart sank. _You’re not even going to ask about it?_ Not that Pearl deserved it…she deserved to be dumped and she didn’t deserve comfort for it, but some part of her wished her mother would care about Pearl’s relationship problems. Mother always did with Yetta and Bleu over their boyfriends.

As for Pearl, Mother’s only concern was the fact that Pearl dated girls. There was no depth beyond that.

“That Sheena was rather unsightly anyway,” Mother said. “I always wanted to say that about her.”

“Excuse me?”

“You two broke up, haven’t you? So now I can admit that she was hideous.”

“And why is that?”

“She could have dressed better, not wore those hideous piercings, dropped a few pounds-”

“So what if she was heavy?”

“Pearl. You are a beautiful girl but your tastes in body types are atrocious. Would you really prefer to be with someone you will likely outlive? Doesn’t it disgust you how-?”

“Fat people are not disgusting.”

“Do not interrupt me.” Mother pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. “I cannot believe how backwards you’ve become.”

“I’m sorry, Mother. Perhaps I should return to when I believed I’d be so hideous if I did as much as nibble on something.”

Mother huffed. “Do not start this again. I never encouraged you to make yourself throw up all those years ago. I paid for your hospitalizations. I paid for your therapy. I did everything to help you out of that, so do not start that. Just because I don’t want you fat does not mean I wanted you to starve yourself either!”

Pearl breathed out a sigh. “Alright. I’m sorry.” She ripped away from Mother and stalked back to the others.

“I did not dismiss you,” Mother said.

“We are not at the table,” Pearl grumbled. She returned to the lounge chair.

“Is something wrong?” Bleu asked gently as soon as Pearl sat down.

Pearl shook her head.

As her family spent time together and talked, Pearl tried to avoid any conversation about herself. Everyone else had more interesting things going on- Yetta’s pregnancy, Bleu’s marriage, Sean’s business, Jonathan’s promotion…but Pearl had nothing significant. They would simply scoff if Pearl mentioned finding a job at a motel in some rural town.

_You could have been successful if you just stayed in school,_ Pearl thought. She had won the birth lottery in that regard- had parents rich enough to pay her way through college without being in any debt. She won the birth lottery at being exceptionally book-smart at a young age. There was definitely a chance that she could have been a successful person as well.

_“You will do amazing things one day,”_ Mother had told her countless times when she was a child. Pearl had believed it; been built up and conditioned to be an amazing, respected, successful member of society. But…she couldn’t handle university…for reasons that shouldn’t even matter.

Her life was nothing but mistakes.

Eventually everyone ate dinner and headed to bed. Pearl pulled her suitcase up the stairs. She plodded down the hall until she reached her childhood bedroom.

Pearl frowned. Unpleasant nostalgia filled her at the sight of the spacious bedroom. This was the place she had been all her life until she dropped out of university at age nineteen. It had good memories- how it was the place where she fell in love for the first time, the place where she had her first slumber party; the place where Pearl and Rose spent so much time in and had many conversations. But it was also the place Pearl had first avoided others in, the place Pearl wailed and cried in and destroyed belongings when Rose died; the place where she was found collapsed and skeletal and nearly dead.

The bedroom was sparkling clean and clear of dust, the air tinged with citrus scented furniture polish. It looked just as it did when Pearl lived there- tinted with pinks, blues and yellows, with the bird and flower wallpaper adorning all sides.

Pearl went under the cushy covers. The mattress felt so soothing compared to the thin, dense one back in Beach City. She sighed and stared at the ceiling.

Tomorrow would be Thanksgiving Day. _Just one day,_ she reminded herself. Just one day and then she’d go back home and forget this all happened.


	9. Butt Squeezing Deviants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Heated family politics in this chapter. I’m not trying to make a point with anything said- just basing the points off things I have heard people say.

Pearl placed the final plastic pumpkin on the table’s center. She stood back to review her work.

Mother’s table was finally decorated. A red tablecloth with swirly plant designs adorned it, along with orange placemats for each of the family’s plates. Fake pumpkins decorated the middle and maple leaf shaped coasters sat between the placemats.

“You did a wonderful job, dear,” Mother said. Pearl turned around to see her looking into the dining room.

“Why, thank you,” Pearl said.

“Bleu can set the plates down once they’re finished washing. Would you help me with dinner?”

Pearl nodded and joined her in the kitchen. So far today, no fights had started. It was…a breath of fresh air, Pearl had to admit. She walked to Mother’s side to look at the potatoes boiling. The aroma of all the food cooking made her mouth water.

“The food smells so delicious, Mother.”

“You can thank us both for that,” Yetta commented as she prepared the sweet potatoes. She sprinkled the orange mass with brown sugar.

“I look forward to dinner, as always,” Pearl said. She was the opposite of gluttonous and sometimes even forgot to eat, but something about Thanksgiving made her want to watch the clock for when dinner was ready.

“I’m happy to hear that,” Mother told her.

“Rats,” Yetta spat.

Pearl and Mother turned their heads. “Is something wrong?” Mother asked.

Yetta opened the cabinets. “Do we have any marshmallows?”

“Can you not see them?”

“Not at all.”

Pearl watched as Yetta and Mother rummaged through each cupboard. She joined in on the search too.

They searched for a few minutes. Mother pulled away. “I may have forgot to purchase them.” She sighed. “I am getting old if you haven’t noticed.”

Pearl looked at them. “We can go a Thanksgiving without marshmallows on the sweet potatoes, can we?” Mother and Yetta glared at her and she flinched.

“We’ve been eating it with marshmallows since we were born, Pearl!” Yetta said.

“It has been a family recipe before I was born,” Mother said next.

Pearl stepped back. “Alright…I’m sorry.”

“We need to do something about this,” Yetta told Mother.

Pearl frowned at the way they looked at each other. “Don’t tell me you want to go to the grocery store on Thanksgiving.”

“We need to go to the grocery store,” Mother said.

Pearl sighed. “Well alright…just don’t bring me along. I can watch the food-”

“Yetta, you watch the food,” Mother told Pearl’s eldest sister. “Pearl and I shall go to the store.”

“What?!” Pearl said.

Yetta glared at her. “Do not complain, Pearl. I am the best cook in the family.”

“Thanks,” Pearl droned. She looked at Mother. “But why must I go?”

Mother huffed. “Because I said so.”

Pearl glared. She knew that every time she and Mother were alone, a fight was always triggered. Every single time they were alone, it gave Mother the opportunity to give Pearl interventions about how she was failing at life, how she was gay and how she dropped out of university.

Then it clicked in her. That was _exactly_ what Mother wanted. What would the intervention be about this time? It didn’t matter; she was going to give Pearl interventions over and over and over about everything until Pearl caved to her wishes.

It had always been like that.

Pearl snapped out of it to see Yetta shoot her a look. It screamed: _Do what she says_.

 _Pushover,_ Pearl grumbled quietly. She was about to argue when small feet pitter pattered into the room.

“Are you going to the store?” Jonah asked.

Yetta nodded. “Grandma and Pearl are, yes. They are just stopping for marshmallows real quick.”

Jonah’s eyes brightened. “Can I come?”

A light popped in Pearl’s head. Before Mother’s words could leave her mouth, Pearl barged in. “Of course!” she said sweetly. “We would love your help, Jonah!”

Jonah clapped his hands. “Yay!”

Yetta smiled. “I suppose he could enjoy helping out. Do you want to help out, Jonah?”

 _Thank goodness. Yetta hasn’t caught on._ “You can pick out the marshmallows for the potatoes!” Pearl said.

“I wanna pick ‘em out!”

“Then let’s go. Are you coming, Mother?”

Mother scowled at her. She breathed out a long sigh. “Alright…”

Pearl held back a smirk. She walked to the car as Jonah scampered around her legs.

\--

After driving for a while whilst searching for an open grocery store, they finally found one. The three walked in. Jonah was ahead of them, excited to pick out his marshmallows. Mother had to call out to tell him to stay in their eyeshot.

“It is atrocious how many people are here,” Mother muttered as they pushed through the crowd. “These people should be at home with their families.”

“They did move Black Friday back to Thanksgiving,” Pearl pointed out.

“That is sick.”

“Don’t people in your business work holidays? And we are here as well, aren’t we?”

Mother scoffed but said nothing. Instead she leaned into Pearl’s ear. “Alright. Let’s make this quick. It is humiliating to be out here when we should be at home.”

They followed Jonah to the snack aisle where the white, puffy confections sat on a shelf. Jonah pointed at the biggest bag with the fattest marshmallows. Those things couldn’t even fit on a graham cracker for a s’more!

“That one!” he said.

Pearl frowned. “We should probably get smaller ones for the sweet potatoes, Jonah.”

“I want the big ones though!” He held out his arms for emphasis.

With how bright his eyes were, Pearl obliged. There was no way she could say no. “Well…alright,” she said. She walked past Mother and took it off the shelf.

Mother shook her head. “Absolutely not! Jonah, those will not work! We do it this way-”

“We already picked out our marshmallows, Mother.” She waved the bag in her hand.

Mother glared. “Do not tell me you believe those will be good on there.”

“Let the boy have some fun.”

They walked back to the checkout, Mother grumbling about how those marshmallows would ruin the potatoes. Pearl rolled her eyes. Jonah frowned a little but she reassured him that this will surely make the potatoes interesting.

“You are turning him into a spoiled brat, Pearl.”

“Perhaps, but I am also his super cool aunt, aren’t I, Jonah?”

“Yeah!” Jonah said.

They passed through the bakery section when Mother turned her head suddenly. Pearl followed and her heart jolted. Two men, in the distance, leaned into each other and held one another’s hand as they looked at the various batches of cupcakes.

“Disgusting,” Mother hissed under her breath.

Then one of the men reached over and squeezed the other’s ass.

Pearl’s heart stopped. Mother made a soft but audible sound of disgust. Pearl started to sweat. They had to get out of here. She looked around for Jonah and realized he was gone.

Pearl poked Mother frantically. “Mother! Where is Jonah?”

Mother ripped her eyes away. Finally. “I do not know! Haven’t you been watching him?”

“I looked away for a second and he was-”

“Can I have an LGBT sandwich?”

Mother and Pearl’s eyes widened in unison as they turned their heads and saw Jonah gazing up at the cook in the deli.

The cook leaned over the counter and looked at him nervously. “You mean a BLT sandwich?”

“No! An LGBT sandwich!”

The couple looked up into Jonah’s direction. Pearl wanted to crawl in a ditch and hide there forever until she died.

“Where are your parents?”

“They’re not here but I’m with my-” His words got cut off as Mother snatched him by the arm. She laughed nervously.

“I am so sorry about my grandson. We need to go, Jonah. We have a Thanksgiving meal to eat, remember?”

Mother dragged him away. Pearl’s face burned and she couldn’t wait to get to the car. Her legs felt like jelly as they paid for the marshmallows and left.

\--

The ride back home was a silent one. Mother didn’t say a word. That wasn’t good…that meant she had a lot on her mind and that she’d unleash it all as soon as the kid was gone.

And unleashed it went. As Mother and Pearl returned to the kitchen, Mother let it all out. “You will not believe what I saw at the store today!”

Pearl tensed and felt sick.

“What happened, Mother?” Yetta asked as she mashed the white potatoes.

Bleu was in the kitchen too, who had probably been called to help while Mother and Pearl were away. “Yes, what happened?”

Mother grabbed a glass and poured herself some wine. “Two men were together in the bakery section! Two of them! They held their hands and, wait for this atrocious act, squeezed one another’s behinds! Jonah was there, for Christ’s sake! They shouldn’t be doing that in front of a child!”

Pearl’s heart raced, her body shook and her face burned. She didn’t know if it was out of anger or nervousness or embarrassment, but it was likely all of it. Her sisters shot Pearl sympathetic looks which only increased her discomfort.

She took a deep breath and put her hands together. “Mother…” Pearl began slowly. “By saying ‘not in front of a child’, do you mean them squeezing one another or their sexuality?”

“Both of course!” She took a sip.

“I do agree they shouldn’t be squeezing one another in public,” Yetta said matter-of-factly.

“I agree as well,” Pearl said. “However, straight people do the same thing and no one bats an eye.”

“It is still wrong, Pearl!” Mother spat.

“I know that, Mother. I was sickened as well.”

Mother shook her head and leaned against the counter. “Homosexuals are absolutely heinous. Such disgusting deviants.”

“Excuse me?!”

Bleu looked at Pearl. “Pearl, it’s okay,” she said quietly.

Pearl brushed her soothing words off. Her cheeks were red with anger. “It is not okay! Gay people are not deviants. We are _people!_ I don’t see how anyone in this house could tolerate such hateful words! Nothing is okay about this!”

Bleu cowered back. Yetta pinched the bridge of her nose. “Please tell me this conversation isn’t happening again…”

“Are you blind?” Mother told Pearl. “You just saw what they did in the store!”

“Yes, and their action was sick, but their sexuality has nothing to do with it!”

“You wouldn’t understand, Pearl…”

“And what makes you believe that?”

“I lived in San Francisco for two years and I know exactly how they are.” She finished her glass and poured another.

“So what? I’M GAY!!! I know more about my community than a couple years in San Francisco could ever do for you!”

“Pearl, calm down…” Bleu murmured. “Let’s get some fresh air-”

Mother shook her head. “You are not gay. You are a lesbian.”

“IT’S THE SAME THING!”

Bleu shook. She tried to place a hand on Pearl’s shoulder but hesitated. “Pearl…please calm down.”

“HOW ABOUT YOU TELL MOTHER TO STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL?!” Pearl snapped at Bleu. Bleu backed away slowly.

Mother scoffed. “I am not being judgmental! I am speaking the truth! You are just a backwards, politically correct liberal that needs to keep your corrupted mouth shut-!”

“ _EVERYONE QUIET!!!_ ”

The shriek rung throughout the room, possibly through the house and even through the neighborhood. Pearl shut her mouth. They all looked in Yetta’s direction. Yetta smashed the potatoes rather aggressively now. Her eyes ignited with rage.

“What have we agreed on all these years ago but never followed?” she demanded.

“What are you going at, dear?” Mother said.

“Oh my God. I am talking about the no political arguments rule! Why don’t we enforce it? I don’t know! But here I am, enforcing it _right now!_ This Thanksgiving is going to be civil and no one is going to fight about these things, alright?!”

Mother huffed. “Very well.”

Pearl crossed her arms. “Fine.”

Yetta sighed. “Thank you.” She kept smashing the potatoes, which were almost done. “We are family. We love each other. We do not fight, okay? This also means no Trumps, no Obamas, no climate changes, no detention centers-”

“Concentration camps,” Pearl corrected.

“ _Pearl,_ ” Yetta warned. She pinched the bridge of her nose with a free hand. “Fine! Concentration camps! Are you happy now?”

“Now hold on,” Mother said. “Concentration camps?! Are you comparing our nation to Nazi Germany?!”

“Technically pre-Nazi Germany. But yes I am, Mother!” Pearl said.

“Oh my God! What did I just say?!” Yetta said.

Mother ignored her. “How dare you compare America to Nazi Germany?! Unlike Nazi Germany, we are actually doing this for a good reason!”

“And what reason is that?!”

“We are protecting ourselves from the illegals! They invade this country; they take our jobs-”

“Are you going to pick avocados in the hot sun for twelve hours? I don’t think so.”

“Oh, Pearl, quit it!”

“I agree, please quit it,” Yetta said. “We’re only enforcing this rule because of you, Pearl.”

“CORPORATIONS LIKES YOURS ARE WHAT’S TAKING THE JOBS AWAY! You crush small businesses and-”

“I being a CEO is the reason you grew up so well, Pearl!”

“Oh my God!” Yetta said.

“But what about everyone else?! Giving them wages that aren’t livable while you live on a mountain of unnecessary wealth?!”

“Please shut up!” Yetta gritted.

“Let’s get back to the ‘concentration camps’ because that’s what’s really striking a nerve with me! I am a job creator-” Mother began.

“Unless you pay and treat your workers well, you have no right to say that!”

“Do not interrupt! And as a job creator, I would prefer to have American citizens working for me instead of the illegals! That is why we need detention centers!”

“So it’s okay to rip children away from families and throw them in prisons?!”

“Can you two quit it?!” Yetta said.

“Oh, please! That is just liberal hogwash! You politically correct kids treat all of us Republicans like demons! YOU ARE SO JUDGMENTAL!! How about instead of silencing our freedom of speech because it’s ‘hate speech’ and calling us white supremacists, you listen to my logic for once?!”

Pearl took a deep breath. “Alright…” Pearl said, still angry but struggling to keep her cool for a moment. “I’m…I’m sorry. Perhaps I am judgmental. I’m just…really angry,” she gritted.

“Thank you for being reasonable.”

“Oh, thank God,” Yetta sighed.

“What defines a Republican?”

“Well, Pearl, we value the rights to our guns, life in the womb and the sanctity of marriage-”

Pearl’s rage reignited. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!”

Yetta slammed a rag down. “For Christ’s sake! I’m done!” She stormed out of the room. Bleu watched her leave, shocked and witnessing the heat of this argument unfold. Bleu rushed to finish the food.

“WHAT?!” Mother spat at Pearl.

“Ignoring those other things…of course you’d say something homophobic!” Pearl spat back.

“You are a homosexual and you are my daughter, so I am not homophobic! I could have kicked you out but I didn’t!”

Pearl clapped. “Wow! Mother of the year! You had basic human decency to not disown your own offspring! How about that sanctity of marriage part?! So if I fell in love, I don’t deserve marriage?!”

“That is exactly what I’m saying.”

“How?!”

“They have orgies, get riddled with AIDS, flaunt their filth in public and force our holy churches to wed them! Homosexuals are disgusting, corrupted perverts! And I am sorry, Pearl, but that includes you as well. YOU ARE SICK AND CORRUPT!”

“Mother!” Bleu cried in horror.

Mother continued. “Homosexuals should not marry nor have children. A child needs a mother and father; not mentally ill, perverted-”

Pearl shook. Rage boiled in her and filled her to the brim. “Y-you say that as if all gay people are disgusting while straight people are incapable of it,” she said slowly.

“Straight people can be wrong, but those are just bad apples! Homosexuals, however, are _all_ disgusting! IT IS UNNATURAL; A SICKNESS; A SEED!!! You have been corrupted by a sick, sick seed that is deteriorating your brain! Homosexuals, both men and women, would just molest children if we allowed them to adopt-!”

“ARE YOU SAYING I WOULD MOLEST _CHILDREN?!_ ” Pearl’s voice cracked.

Mother leaned back. “Honestly…I cannot fathom it; you are not that horrible…but you may surprise me.” She finished her drink. “You surprised me before. You started as a bright girl with a bright future and I had showered you with all of my support…but you ignored all of that to become some lowly, good for nothing loser!”

“MOTHER!” Bleu shouted again.

Mother ignored her. “You are in a constant, downward spiral; I cannot imagine how more degenerate you will become. So who knows, perhaps you will start molesting children at some point-!”

“ _FUCK YOU!!!!_ ” Pearl shrieked, tears coming to her eyes. “ ** _ABSOLUTELY FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!_** ” She tried to speak more but found herself bursting into heavy tears. She covered her face.

“DON’T YOU DARE CUSS AT ME!” Mother shouted, pacing to her, now close enough for Pearl to smell the alcohol in her breath. Pearl flinched and shielded herself. “Face the facts and stop crying, AND LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW! Homosexuals are one step away from pedophiles! Since we are forced to let deviants marry, there is no telling when it’ll be politically correct for grown men to marry little boys as well! THAT IS WHY FAGGOTS LIKE YOU ARE THE FILTH OF THIS EARTH!!!”

“Mother, enough!” Bleu said, rushing in front of Pearl. Pearl flinched when Bleu’s arm slid around her shoulders. “It’s alright…” she murmured to Pearl.

Pearl wept both in rage and heartbreak. Rage at everything and heartbreak at being seen so lowly by her own mother. Being a child molester?! Really?! Pearl cried harder. Bleu shushed her some more.

“How dare you comfort her?! She is a danger to society, Bleu!”

“Mother…enough!” Bleu said. She held Pearl close and protectively. “Mother, please! Stop! That’s enough!”

“So you’re taking her side?!”

“Can’t you see how upset she is?! If you believe homosexuality is wrong, I cannot stop you, but you are going way too far! Way too far! You’ve drank enough and upset her enough!”

“Of course she’s upset. She’s politically correct! No one can handle anything anymore.”

“Shh, it’s okay,” Bleu whispered gently to Pearl. “Come on, let’s go.” She placed a hand on her back as she guided her out the kitchen.

“If you are my daughter, you will stop comforting her right now!” Mother yelled.

Bleu ignored Mother’s demands as she helped Pearl into the living room. She sat her on the couch and joined her, arm still draped over her.

They didn’t say anything. Pearl continued to cry as Bleu held her. Bleu stroked her hair. After a few minutes, her crying calmed down. She only sobbed occasionally, tears still streaking down her cheeks.

“She is so horrible sometimes,” Pearl sniffled.

“She’d been drinking since morning. Don’t listen to her.” She handed Pearl a tissue.

Pearl hadn’t even realized the television was on. The Thanksgiving parade reran on the screen. After calming down a little more, she watched it through bloodshot eyes, trying to take her mind off Mother’s words by paying attention to the floats and balloons. Through the window, the kids played tag in the backyard while the men watched them and chatted. Yetta had returned to the kitchen.

Bleu still held her by the time the others went back inside. Pearl finally broke away from the hug, officially calmed down now, and picked up her used tissues to throw in the trash. She wiped down the coffee table.

A couple hours passed as the turkey finished. Everyone eventually gathered back in the living room and played Apples to Apples together, which, despite not being Pearl’s cup of tea, had cheered her up and took her mind off things. They played that game for a while as they waited.

Mother entered the living room. “Dinner is ready.”

“Yay, dinner!” Jeremiah said. He and the other boys dropped their cards and rushed into the dining room. Bleu squeezed Pearl’s shoulder.

“Will you be alright in there?”

“I’ll be fine,” Pearl mumbled.

Bleu nodded and headed to the dining room.

The others filtered into the dining room as well. Pearl hesitated and ended up being the last one to join. She dragged herself in and looked for a spot. Everyone sat next to their husbands. Pearl ended up sitting between the kids.

“Don’t forget about the prayer,” Father said.

“You are very correct,” Mother said. “Everyone, let us join hands.”

Hands interlinked around the table.

Mother looked to Father. “Would you like to begin?”

“Ladies first,” Father said.

Mother rolled her eyes. “Very funny. But alright. Everyone, let’s close our eyes.”

Pearl did as Mother said and prepared for prayer.

“Dear Heavenly Father,” Mother began. “Thank you for gathering us here today. I am thankful for all of us being in good health. I am thankful that my daughters have been put into the hands of such good men. I am thankful for my grandchildren and I am especially thankful for my daughters and my husband.”

Pearl couldn’t help but think that when Mother mentioned being thankful for her daughters, that she excluded her.

“All three of my daughters have been a blessing,” Mother continued. “I am also thankful that Pearl has decided to spend time with us longer this year.”

Pearl’s eyelids twitched with the urge to look at her in disbelief. _Wh…what?_ Just a couple hours ago, it sure didn’t feel like she was thankful!

“Amen.”

Now it was Father’s turn. He said about the same as Mother but with different wording. The gratitude passed down the line. Most of the thanks were about health, wealth, the food and family. The kids were thankful for funnier things, such as for God making iPads and Angry Birds. It elicited some chuckles.

Suddenly it was Pearl’s turn. Her heart raced as everyone waited for her prayer. She gulped.

“I am…I am thankful for…” She tried to keep her mind from closing in on itself. “I am thankful for…being here…” Pearl finally mumbled. Her heart sank. “I am thankful that I…that I have somewhere to go…” She thought about Sheena, who kicked her out. She thought about Rose, who abandoned her after finding someone better. They both felt like her family; like the people she’d belong to, but she didn’t belong with them, did she?

Did she belong anywhere? She didn’t know. She certainly didn’t feel like it sometimes. She felt like the odd one out, the disappointment; the one who, if admired, was only admired for the idea of her. But whether or not she belonged, there was one thing about her family: they never abandoned her no matter how much she screwed up. She still felt lost; she still felt lonely around them but…at least they didn’t leave her.

“Thank you…for staying,” Pearl whispered. “Amen.”

The line finished up. The hands finally broke away and everyone bolted up, excited to add food to their plates.

“Patience,” Mother warned. “We are not dogs.”

“I can be a dog!” Joseph said. He dropped on his hands and knees and howled.

“Joseph!” Mother spat.

“Joseph, stand back up!” Yetta said.

Pearl tried to fit a reasonably small amount of each dish on her plate. She hated feeling full- it always made her feel heavy and uncomfortable, and Thanksgiving was a trial in avoiding that. The sweet potatoes, because of the marshmallows, made her unable to lessen her portion for that one. The plate was about one third sweet potato and two thirds everything else once it was done. Pearl returned to her seat.

Pearl slowly began to eat as soon as everyone else had joined her at the table. She tasted the cranberry sauce first.

“The cranberries are wonderful, Yetta,” Pearl told her sister. After Yetta thanked her, Pearl didn’t say much after that. Pearl wanted to compliment Mother’s cooking as well but didn’t feel like talking to her.

The family chatted, and just as it had been last night, it was about their lives. Pearl tried to avoid all conversation about her own things going on. It all seemed to be going well until one of her nephews spilled the beans.

“We picked up Pearl from Ocean City!” Joseph said.

“I believe you mean ‘Beach City’, dear,” Yetta corrected. Well…Pearl should have figured Yetta was not going to keep it a secret. She wouldn’t rat Pearl out out of the blue, sure, but she wouldn’t keep a secret.

“Beach City?” Father asked. “What were you doing in Beach City, Pearl?”

Pearl blushed. Everyone’s eyes settled on her now. It only made more sweat stream off her.

Pearl kept her eyes glued to the plate, poking the food with her fork nervously. She thought about lying, but…that was futile, wasn’t it? “I live there now,” she finally admitted.

“You do?”

Pearl explained her reasons. Well…leaving out the whole getting kicked out part or living with her ex’s sister, of course. She just said she needed a change.

“That’s great!” Father said.

Pearl looked up and blushed, shocked. “Really?”

“Of course! I always wanted to live there too, but with your mother’s job, we had to stay here.”

“I’m jealous too,” Bleu said. “I loved that place.”

Pearl blushed more and looked back down, a smile tinting her lips as relief washed over her. Perhaps it wasn’t so embarrassing after all!

“You…actually live there?” Mother said slowly. “And why, exactly?”

“It is my decision and I needed a change. That is all.” She put a piece of turkey in her mouth.

Mother sat back. “Alright.” She returned to eating her food.

“Thank you,” Pearl said.

“Change can be refreshing at times. I’m proud you’re doing it for once,” Bleu told her. “That is why I took my internship in New York City instead of staying here. And look where that led. I met Sean.”

Pearl’s heart swelled up at hearing her sister was proud of her.

“So how is the place?” Sean asked.

Pearl smiled. “It is very beautiful there. I went to the canyon a couple weeks ago.”

Mother stayed quiet as Pearl talked about the town, the canyons and her new job. Eventually it became a conversation between herself, her father and her sisters about all the memories they formed while vacationing over there. Her grief about having moved there withered away. Instead she felt bright and warm inside.

\--

“Are you ready to go, kids?” Yetta called from the car.

It was the day after Thanksgiving. The boys carried their suitcases down the driveway. Jonathan helped load them up.

Pearl stood in the coatroom, watching from the front door. Her suitcase was at her side.

“Pearl.”

Pearl jumped and turned around. It was Mother. It was the first time she heard Mother speak since at the table.

“Yes, Mother?”

“Before you leave, I would like you to have something.” She held her hands out. In them was a large box with “Tea Assortment” written on it. On top that box was a small canister that said “Edible Lavender”.

Pearl blinked. She reached out and gently took them in her own hands. “Thank you, Mother…” she mumbled.

“I know you like teas and I remember how much you loved floral recipes, so I supposed you would appreciate them.”

“Thank you…that means a lot.”

“I would also like to tell you I’m sorry.”

Pearl paused.

“You don’t need to forgive me,” Mother sighed.

Pearl tried not to raise an eyebrow. Something about getting gifts the day after being berated made her uncomfortable. She couldn’t tell if Mother was sincere or not. Pearl decided to admit the truth anyway. “I don’t…really want to forgive you right now….” She paused and squinted her eyes shut. “I’m sorry!”

She opened her eyes again to see Mother scowl. Mother’s expression broke and she shook her head. It was her turn to look away now. She studied the ground, her eyes dull. “Do not apologize.”

“I’m sorry, Mother.” Pearl caught the apology right after she said it but decided to ignore it. “I just…have a hard time dealing with how lowly you view me. Especially in regards to my sexuality and how you view others like myself.”

Mother looked back at her. “Oh, Pearl. I am so sorry. You are not like that. I was just upset. You’re different from them-”

“That too,” Pearl said. “I do not appreciate how you still view them horrendously and make me the odd one out. I am not special from them. Just because I am your daughter does not make me a person while they supposedly aren’t.”

“Pearl…”

“I do not want to argue…” She sighed. “I’m so…exhausted…”

“That is fair.”

“Thank you.” She looked at her gifts. “I am…not comfortable with taking these,” she finally admitted. She handed them back to Mother. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

“Honestly…I need to.”

“About what, exactly?”

Mother took the gifts from Pearl. Pearl shuffled her feet. Her heart wrenched. “There was one thing you are correct about. I really am a failure, Mother. You are not wrong about that. I just wanted to let you know.”

“…”

“I was fortunate enough in more than one aspect to succeed university and succeed as a person. But you are right…I threw it all away.”

“Why don’t you just go back? I can pay for it, you know.”

“I do not want a business degree like you want me to have, first of all. Secondly…I couldn’t handle it.”

“I do not understand how you could not. You are very smart. You went through high school with straight A’s. You took college courses in high school. You loved academics! I do not understand how you could have decided university wasn’t for you.”

“It’s hard to explain,” Pearl whispered.

“Hard to explain? You told me that you just didn’t want to go anymore…” Mother thought for a moment. “Are…are you certain you do not have some other reason you haven’t told me?”

Pearl remained silent. Before she could even decide to say anything, Yetta called out to her.

“Pearl, are you ready?”

“I have to go,” Pearl said.

“Alright…” Mother said. “Are you sure you do not want the gifts?”

“I appreciate them but I do not.”

“Alright…” She paused. “Thank you for coming here. I’m…really happy you did.”

“Of course…”

“And I am sorry for lashing out, as I have said. I really am.”

“Thank you.” She refused to say she forgave her. Pearl grabbed her suitcase and stepped forward.

“Pearl…”

Pearl turned around. “Yes?”

“If I could go back in time…I’d stop myself from saying those things.”

“…”

“And I would do more than that. I would have raised you better. I just wanted you to be at your best. I still do. I just…did not raise you correctly and I took it out on you. I shouldn’t have.”

“You raised me fine,” Pearl said. “I just failed you.”

“No you haven’t! In the end, it was all me. I made you fail!”

“This is not just about university.” She swallowed and clenched her fists. “You are just upset about a dent in the things I have done.”

Mother’s brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“It is too atrocious. Remember when I talked about Beach City? I…I left out a very horrible thing I did. And I did more than just wanted a change!”

“Like what?”

“I have to leave…”

“No you don’t. Stay here.”

Pearl started to choke up. She had to get away. “I really need to leave-”

“Very well. Just listen real fast.”

“…”

“I am only hard on you because I want you to try.”

“…”

“When you were growing up, I thought you were perfect. I tried to continue your perfection…to continue your beauty, your intelligence; your talents…but…I couldn’t do it right. I don’t know where I went wrong…perhaps my withholding food from you is what made you almost die.”

“I chose to starve.”

“Perhaps…but I encouraged it. I praised you for not eating a lot…and then I realized what that had turned into…. And then, I’d berate you every time you got less than an A plus. Is that…is that why you dropped out of college?! Were you freaking out? Were you-”

“It is all in the past, Mother.”

“But I ruined you…”

“No you did not. I am in control of my life. Besides, I healed from the eating disorder. I found a career I love even if it doesn’t pay well. Before that, life felt bleak, but it got better. If I could do that, then…” Her eyes widened. “I can still keep getting better….”

“…”

“People will bring you disappointment in life. You may find yourself blaming yourself for it. And maybe you deserve to blame yourself- maybe you hurt them, or maybe they just lost interest or couldn’t stand you anymore, but…” Pearl blinked, realizing she was going off track. “…you cannot keep a person from choosing their own path. Trust me…you cannot.”

“…”

“You told me you want me to try. That is all I can do for you, I’m afraid. I will try but I hope you do as well…but as far as my life goes and who I am…that is all on me and I can’t…I can’t live for a person! I’m just a person! No person should be dealing with a million things put on them by somebody else.”

Mother said nothing for a while. “Alright,” she finally whispered.

“I have to leave now, Mother.”

“I understand.” Mother sighed. “I will see you either Christmas or next year.”

“Alright,” Pearl said.

“Goodbye, Pearl.”

“Goodbye.”

Pearl pulled her suitcase down the driveway. Everyone else was already seated in the van. She threw her luggage in the back and got in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer:  
> The characters' political views do not reflect mine.


	10. We Need To Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My depression relapsed pretty hard this past week, even with the medications, and I don't know what the future of this fic will be. Life has been biting me in the ass but this week feels like the motherfucking climax and everything just keeps getting worse. This fic is my only way to deal with things but I haven't been able to write anything lately because my depression is just that bad now (I run on a queue which is why I can still post).
> 
> Soooo [insert shrug emogi that I'm too lazy to copypaste into here].

_Eleven years ago…_

Pearl waited on the steps outside the clinic’s office. Her phone was open as she read the text from Rose.

**Rose: How did the appointment go?**

**Pearl: Not what I expected. The doctor just asked me about my sleep patterns, eating habits and my mood and then gave me a prescription.**

**Rose: That was it?**

**Pearl: Indeed. I suppose I learned the difference between therapists and psychiatrists now. Mother is not going to be happy.**

**Rose: Why?**

Before Pearl could answer, Mother’s car pulled into the driveway. Pearl shut her phone and stood up. She stuffed it back in her purse while her other hand held the piece of paper that had her prescription on it. She headed to the car.

“How was the appointment?” Mother asked as Pearl climbed in. “Did he fix you up?”

Pearl blinked. Was that a joke? She didn’t know. “I got a prescription,” she said.

“A prescription?”

Pearl nodded. “He says I have anxiety and depression and that medication will help.”

Mother looked over her shoulder as she reversed. As soon as she shifted into drive, she shook her head. “You do not need medication…”

“Well, if the doctor said, perhaps we should listen?”

Mother got onto the road. “Pearl. Allow me to tell you something.”

“Yes, Mother?”

“The doctor did the same thing to me a few years ago. He believed I had anxiety, so he prescribed me medication. Do you want to know what happened when I took it?”

“What happened?”

“Well, Pearl, I got so depressed that I could not get out of bed. My head was killing me and no pain killer could relieve it. I kept thinking about all these horrific things that could happen, about dying and having heart attacks and having aneurisms. At the end of the day, I had a panic attack so horrible that I could not focus on anything around me and it kept me up all night. I ended up vomiting everything out of me the next morning and I never took those pills again.”

“…”

“That is why you should not listen to doctors. What if that happens to you as well, Pearl?”

“Okay. But…” Pearl hesitated. “Rose’s mother is on antidepressants. Can I just give it a try?”

Mother sighed. They reached the highway now. “I just do not want you to go through the same thing I had gone through, dear. It was the worst day of my life. Not to mention, those things become addictive.”

“Oh. But…Rose’s mother is not a drug addict-”

“I do not care about Rose’s mother. She is not like us. That family is not like us!”

“What do you mean?”

“Rose is a decent girl, do not get me wrong, but her mother is not and I do not appreciate you looking up to that woman!”

Pearl blushed when Mother called Rose “decent”. If only Mother knew the truth. Pearl’s mind flashed back to a few weeks ago, when “decent” became a thing of the past. She thought about the dirty ways Rose had touched her. She recalled the equally dirty moans that pushed out of Pearl’s throat, encouraging Rose to go further. She thought about how soft and beautiful Rose was, the way her body felt; the way she tasted and the way Pearl herself had tasted on Rose’s lips.

As blissful as the memory was, it took no time for her nostalgia to wither into guilt. It pricked her, then gnawed at her; then tore into her. For all of Pearl’s life, she had imagined her first experience would be during the honeymoon with her future husband, whoever that may be. Never had she fathomed she would lose her virginity to a girl’s fingers, but she did, didn’t she? She gave it up shamelessly to her own best friend. If only Mother knew the truth.

It came to Pearl’s attention how much her ears burned. She tried to push the thought away before she could blush more. Mother kept driving.

Pearl’s heart sank. She had committed premarital sex…to a girl nonetheless, all less than one month ago. She was officially dirty…a chewed piece of gum…a used band aid…but that status was amplified because she was taken by a girl. It had felt so great at the time; it had felt so powered by the love they had for one another, but that love wasn’t real…wasn’t it? Rose was _girl_ , after all.

She never admitted it, but that was why she panicked a week ago, which resulted in the 911 call she had made. She had felt so dirty and hopeless and couldn’t focus on anything, so positive she’d do something dangerous to herself, her mind twisted with disturbing thoughts of killing herself. Luckily she didn’t spill the beans about the details, so the doctors brushed it off as teenage angst, but they referred her to a shrink just in case.

She couldn’t dare tell anyone. This was her filthy secret and all she could do was pray and repent, and hope that God answers her wishes to cleanse her of such a sin.

Pearl watched the buildings sweep by as they drew closer to the suburbs. Her eyes felt dull.

“Pearl…” Mother began. Pearl straightened up and looked at her.

“Yes, Mother?”

“I have been mulling something over for you. Ever since you contacted that ambulance, actually.”

Pearl’s face paled and her heart skipped a beat. “What…what do you mean, Mother?”

“If you are truly feeling so horrendous, I believe I know why.”

Pearl’s face grew whiter. She felt sick. Did Mother suspect she was gay?! “Wh-why?”

“Since it is summertime and that you are basically useless, you are most likely upset about having nothing to do, correct?”

Pearl resisted breathing a sigh of relief. “Yes, Mother,” she lied.

“I knew it. That doctor is full of hogwash,” Mother scoffed. She glanced at Pearl before returning her eyes to the road. “Pearl, dear, I am taking you to work with me tomorrow. I will be heading to one of our hotels and you shall start shadowing the housekeeping team.”

Pearl’s eyes widened. In some way, this was worse than Mother finding out she was gay! This was the worst thing in the world! Pearl was better than the people that worked at Mother’s hotels! “What?!”

“Do not complain, Pearl! This is for your own good!”

“But…but only losers work those jobs!”

“I do not care! It will give you something to do!” Mother said. “It will teach you the importance of work. That is what you need. This summer is making you absolutely sluggish.”

Pearl huffed in defeat, but only because arguing with Mother was useless. “Fine…”

\--

_Eleven years later…_

Pearl stood in front of the motel. She had no housekeeping attire since the uniforms she once owned belonged to her old job, so she tried to dress as nicely as she could instead.

Pearl felt like going for a masculine look today. She wore a baby blue blazer and trousers. Even though she normally dressed feminine, there was something enticing about that dapper feeling she got whenever she wore professional, masculine attire. Besides, men’s clothing tended to look better on her since her body lacked curves. She didn’t even need to wear a bra most days, not that…anyone needed to know that…

She stayed there for a moment, allowing her nerves to ease up just enough to walk inside. _Alright…this is your first day, Pearl. Your worries will not last forever. Soon it shall be a breeze to walk into here_. She took a step forward.

Pearl walked into the lobby. The girl behind the counter waved at her and she waved back, and then Pearl headed to Suzanne’s office. She knocked on the door. Her heart started to pound again.

Suzanne opened the door. She tilted her head up at Pearl. “Hello, Pearl! I am so glad you showed up!” the woman said with a smile.

Pearl forced a smile back. “Y…you too…” she mumbled. She cringed as soon as she said it.

_Of course she would show up, you doofus! Goddammi-!_

“Have I shown you where to clock in? Your orientation should last about two hours.”

“Alright,” Pearl mumbled. She blinked. “Um…I do not know where to clock in…”

“Follow me and I’ll show you!” she chirped. She headed down the hall with Pearl behind her heels.

They headed into another office that had lockers, a sink and microwave. _The breakroom,_ Pearl noted. Suzanne helped register Pearl’s employee code as well as allowed the machine to scan and recognize Pearl’s fingerprint. “That should do it. You’re all set!” Suzanne said.

“Thank you…”

“Of course! Now as far as your orientation goes…”

Suzanne led Pearl back to her own office. In that office, Pearl filled out various paperwork. Then she had to go onto the computer and register her employee account that would keep track of her pay stubs, schedules and times off. By the time she was complete, the two hours were up.

“Perfect timing,” Suzanne said. “When you come in tomorrow, we’ll have your uniform and nametag ready for you.”

“Thank you,” Pearl said.

“Absolutely! I am very excited for you to join the team!”

Pearl blushed. “Thank you,” she said again.

“How was your Thanksgiving?” Suzanne suddenly asked as Pearl stood up from the computer chair.

Pearl fiddled with her purse strap, her cheeks still pink. “It was alright…” she murmured. She coughed. “I-I mean…good…it was good…”

“That’s good to hear,” Suzanne said. “Was the food good?”

Pearl nodded.

“Awesome. It’s one of my favorite holidays. I love the food, especially,” she added with a laugh.

“M-me too…”

“Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow, same time.”

“Thank you,” Pearl said. She walked away, hoping and squirming inwardly that walking away wasn’t rude. She headed to the breakroom and entered her employee code before pressing her thumb on the scanner. She waited for it to read her fingerprint, which had taken at least one minute now….that sluggish thing. Her old job’s one was much faster-

“Hey, Pearl.”

Pearl’s back prickled and she jumped at the same time. The machine beeped in approval and she was officially clocked out. Pearl turned around and, just as the voice confirmed, Jasper stood behind her.

“H-hello…” she said, eyes settled on the ground to avoid Jasper’s gaze. She stepped aside so Jasper could dial her employee code.

“I’m going on break,” Jasper said. She put her thumb on the scanner. “You?”

“I’m…done for the day…”

“Really? It’s only noon.”

“Orientation…”

Jasper nodded. The machine beeped and she removed her hand. “Oh. Okay. Well have a good day, Pearl.”

“You too…” Pearl felt like screaming as she turned to head to the door.

“How was Thanksgiving?”

“Good,” Pearl said. “Um…you?”

“Pretty good. I love the food. Just spent a lot of time with Greg, Steven and Amethyst. Amethyst gorged on most of the shit…of fucking course.” She pulled a lunchbox out of the locker. She removed a container filled with turkey and stuffing. “Luckily I’m aware of that shit so I made enough for leftovers. She doesn’t eat your food, does she?”

“I…eat hers…”

“Really?”

“Only a little,” Pearl said, heart still sinking at the mention of Greg and Steven. She almost forgot about what happened at the lake all those weeks ago. She hadn’t even apologized…. Pearl’s heart wrenched and she turned around again, ready to leave.

As she headed to the door, she stopped. All of a sudden, the conversation with Mother entered her mind. She mulled it over in those few seconds before she could leave. Mother had apologized. Why couldn’t Pearl?

Pearl sighed. She remembered what she told Mother about trying. Pearl should try. It was only fair. It was the only way to move forward, wasn’t it?

Pearl struggled to turn around. “Um…Jasper?”

Jasper looked up, mouth full. “Yeah?”

_Great. I’m interrupting her lunch. I should not- no! No excuses! You already started!_

Pearl twiddled her fingers. “Um…you know….do you…” _What if the reason she is so nice to you is because she forgot about the incident? If she remembers, what if you upset her? What if she gets angry at you? What if she yells at you?!_ “Um…” She swallowed, body starting to shake. “Um…d-do you…remember…what happened at the…um….” She closed her mouth.

Jasper furrowed her brow. “Huh?”

Pearl’s entire face burned. She looked at the ground, her vision quavering along with her voice. “I-I-I just…want…I want to apologize!” she finally spat out. Her body stiffened. She spun on her heels, ready to bolt out.

“Pearl, wait.”

Pearl froze.

“Thanks,” Jasper said. “I assume you’re talking about getting drunk, right?”

“Yes…”

Jasper leaned back in her seat. “Now that I’ve talked to you, I don’t think that reflects who you are. We all have our asshole moments…heh…I sure have…. As long as you own up and don’t do it again, I’m cool with it.”

Pearl heaved out a sigh. “Thank you…”

“Yup.” She took another bite. “And I’m sorry about losing my shit back there. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“You yelled at me…?”

“…Nope.”

“I should…go.”

“Alright. Good to see you.”

“You too…” Pearl paced out the room and down the hallway, shaking from the intensity of the moment. Her heart raced, her stomach was still tied in knots, but…she felt…good. Really good! She felt…lighter! As if she had been trapped under an anchor and it lifted off of her. Pearl smiled. She paced down the hallway, spine straighter and shoulders back.

But she wasn’t completely finished. There was one last person she needed to talk to…and this time, she knew she could do it.

\--

_Knock knock._

Pearl stood on the porch of Greg’s home, heart racing and sweat pouring down her temples. But it didn’t matter how her body felt. Her mind knew she could do it. She could do it!

 _You shall get this over with,_ Pearl thought as she waited for the door to open. _You shall fix this up and never have to worry nor feel heavy about this ever again._ For once, she didn’t know if her stomach was doing flips because she was afraid or excited. Perhaps it was a brew between both.

The sound of footsteps padded down the home. Pearl’s breath hitched; she tried to control her breathing so that she wouldn’t breathe so heavily. She took a few steps back.

The door opened. Whelp…if she wanted to turn back, there was no use in doing it now. Greg looked out at her. His eyebrows shot up. “Oh…Pearl! What are you doing over here?”

Pearl took a deep breath. _Remember…you can do this_. “Greg…” she began. Her eyes suddenly shot to the ground. “I…I would like to…”

Her words caught in her throat. _Don’t you dare run away like last time, Pearl. Don’t you dare!_

“Is there anything you need?”

“I…Greg…I-I-I…I want to apologize!” she finally said. Well…at least she did it…but definitely looked like a disaster in the process…. Her cheeks reddened.

Greg blinked. “About the party?”

Pearl nodded, too ashamed to look at him.

“Thanks so much for apologizing, Pearl. Amethyst told me you felt bad about it…but I’m glad to hear it from you.”

“Of course…” Pearl mumbled. “It was…very horrible of me. Your son…didn’t deserve it. N-no one deserved it. I-I’ve…I’ve felt so bad…”

“About that…I wanted to talk to you, Pearl, if that’s okay. Do you have time?”

Pearl’s stomach clenched. Where was the “I forgive you”?! Her face paled. She thought she would either cry, throw up, or pass out…maybe all of it. Pearl took another step back. No! She had to stay! She wasn’t going anywhere until this situation was settled! She gripped onto the railing as if that would keep herself restrained. “Y-yes…I have time…”

“Great!” He stepped onto the porch with Pearl and closed the door.

Sweat pooled on Pearl’s temples.

Greg scratched his beard. He averted his gaze to look at all the other trailers in the park. “So…it’s been…a bit of a while, huh?” he said.

“Yes…” Pearl mumbled. She rubbed her arm and looked at the puny porch she stood on. There was a cobweb in one of the cracks.

Greg inhaled for a moment before breathing it out slowly. “We were…on really bad terms…” he began. “But I want to move on, Pearl. I really do. It’s been a long time and I’ve repented a lot for what I’ve done. I think it’s only right for me to apologize too.”

Pearl looked up, shocked. During all this stressing out about apologizing to Greg, she never considered that maybe Greg wanted to as well. “Really?”

“Of course. I knew Rose was cheating on you but I just…didn’t care at the time. Now I realized that was wrong and how much I’ve hurt you.”

“Why…did you do it…?”

Greg sighed. “I don’t know if I’m comfortable talking about all of it…I was young and stupid. I did a lot of stupid things…did drugs…robbed the cradle…tried to bring disco back…”

“…”

“Anyway, Rose just had a lot of problems and I really wanted to help her but in all the wrong ways, and before I knew it, it escalated into holding hands, to kissing, to…well, Steven.”

 _She had problems with me…_ Pearl thought. Her shoulders sagged.

“When we found out she was pregnant and that she wanted to keep the kid, I encouraged her to break up with you. I realized that we couldn’t keep doing this. Rose finally obliged…and you…well…you got upset and for a very valid reason.” He leaned against the railing. “If I was in your position and suddenly found out my girlfriend had been cheating on me and got pregnant with his child that she wanted to keep, I would have-”

“I understand what you mean,” Pearl muttered.

“Anyway, I’ve been meaning to apologize to you for the past eight years. You were just so far away and I was…” He chuckled sadly. “Honestly, I was nervous about it. I thought it would just upset you more.”

“I understand,” Pearl murmured.

“But I’m glad to finally get that off my chest. You don’t need to forgive me or anything. I just wanted to let you know how horribly I feel about it.”

“I’m happy…you apologized….”

“I’m happy you did too. But I’m definitely more in the wrong than you are, though, don’t get me wrong.”

“You’re alright…”

Greg smiled. “I’m glad we can both be at peace about that, then.”

Pearl nodded.

Greg scratched his chin again and frowned. He sighed. “Before you go, Pearl…there is one last thing I want to talk to you about.”

“Yes?” Pearl said.

“I need to talk to you about…what happened at the party…”

Pearl’s heart sank. “Y-yes?”

“I understand you were drunk and all, and I’m happy you apologized to me, but…I’ve been thinking…”

Pearl felt sick. She wanted to run away. She grabbed onto the railing again.

“I hope it’s no hard feelings, but…” He sighed again and ran a hand through his thinning hair. “Pearl…I don’t…and I really hate to say this…”

Pearl shook.

“I don’t want you around my son anymore.”

Pearl’s heart plummeted. _Wh…what?_ The world braked to a stop. She just stood there, silent and frozen.

“You’d understand, wouldn’t you?” Greg said, giving her a sad look. “I’m sorry. It’s just a really hard decision. But my son means a lot to me and I don’t want him in situations like that again. I like you, I really do, and I want to get along with you, but-”

As he continued beating around the bush, his words drowned out. Pearl just studied the porch again, which blurred in the back of her mind as the forefront got hit with guilt. She shouldn’t care about Steven…she never found herself yearning to be around him…but at the same time, he was the last thing of Rose left! Now she lost him too?!

Anger and grief found its way up her, but before those emotions could seep out, realization came up and yanked them back down. She sagged. She deserved this…she screwed up and she had to deal with the consequences. Tears leaked out of her eyes. Pearl snapped out of it. “I understand,” she whispered.

“Thank you, Pearl,” Greg said. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s alright.” She wiped the moisture away from her eyes. “I…I need to go now…”

“Of course. Thank you for your time. I hope you understand.”

“Of course…” she whispered. “And I understand. There is…no trouble.” She turned away and paced down the steps.

“See you,” Greg said.

“Bye,” Pearl said, so quietly that she wasn’t sure if Greg heard. For some reason, she didn’t care if he heard or not.

Keeping her head low, she headed back home. At the very least, they finally had closure. She felt light amongst the disappointment, and even though sadness still lingered in her, she was glad to have closure.


	11. Life Isn't Easy, So Be Happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early chapter! Normally I post on late Friday nights, but since I got a night shift today, I'll be posting it Friday morning for a change.
> 
> Also, just a head's up- I'm going to Denver next weekend so no update for next week.

A week passed since Pearl apologized to Greg. She had grown to accept the issue with Steven…for the most part. Sadness continued to dwell in her but she couldn’t put a finger on why.

Pearl was practically rotting. She vacuumed the carpet, taking her time so this day couldn’t crawl even slower. She didn’t expect how mind-numbing this job would be. It was so different compared to the fast-paced, busy environment of her old workplace.

Eventually Pearl made herself stop lingering on her work. She didn’t want to look like a slow worker as her first impression. She headed to the laundry room, grabbed the sheets and finished everything off by making the bed. It was neat and perfectly tucked in by the time her coworker arrived.

Aquamarine- a girl of short stature and who was fresh out of high school- peeked inside. “Oh, Pearl,” she sang. “Did you finish your work?”

Pearl nodded.

“Good, good.” Aqua strutted in to observe the room, scrutinizing at it. “Looks pretty goo-” Her gaze hit the bed. She frowned. “Excuse me, Pearl, but…what on Earth is this?” she said slowly.

Pearl’s gut clenched. “Wh-what?”

She gestured to the bed, so tight and neatly made that a quarter could bounce off it. “Can you explain to me why this comforter is tucked in?”

Now it was Pearl’s turn to frown. _Because it looks nice like that? What hotel does not do that?_ “Um…”

“Um?!”

Pearl’s shoulders stiffened.

“You have got to be kidding me. We want our beddings loose and casual; not whatever overly-sophisticated nonsense this is.” She pulled the comforter out. Her eyes ignited now. “AND WHAT IS THIS?!” She pointed at the corners.

“Hospital corners…” Pearl whispered.

“ _Hospital_ corners?!”

“I-I-I’m sorry-”

“Do you believe this place is a ward?! Redo this bed in five minutes and it better look right!” She ripped the covers off and stomped out of the room, muttering to herself. “Hospital corners…is she joking?”

Pearl’s throat tightened. Her eyes glistened but she pulled herself together before they could leak tears. _No…you are at work…you cannot wear your emotions on your sleeves._ She took a deep, shaky breath and picked up the covers Aqua had torn off.

“Give her a break, Aqua.”

Pearl turned around at the voice. Outside the door, Jasper leaned against the railing, chewing a bite of her half-eaten sub.

Aqua glared. “Are you actually eating outside in the cold?”

Jasper swallowed. “I was gonna take a smoke and heard your little shit of a voice, so I stopped to see what you were bitching about this time.”

“I hope you realize your language is creating a hostile work environment,” Aqua said.

“Hey, I’m not the only asshole here. You’re gonna be a bitch, I’m gonna be a bitch. It’s the way the world works.”

“I am not being that awful word you just said! I am teaching the new girl our standards-”

“You ain’t teaching her. You just yelled at her, tore her work apart and didn’t tell her how to do shit. Do you even show her how to do anything?”

“I don’t appreciate your language, Jasper.”

Jasper took another bite. “I don’t appreciate your motherfucking, shitty attitude, bitch,” she said with a mouthful, spitting out some crumbs on the sidewalk. Aqua made a noise of disgust and stepped away.

“I am telling Suzanne about your foul language and behavior!”

“Go ahead. I’ll tell her you’re the shittiest trainer in existence.”

Aqua scoffed and walked off. Jasper rolled her eyes and kept working on her sub.

Pearl finished the bed, this time in a “looser” style. It looked so sloppy…she didn’t even allow her _own_ bed look like that! She suppressed a shudder. She turned away and closed the door.

Jasper looked at her. “How’s your first day on the job?”

“Alright…”

Jasper snorted. “With that bitch?”

“…”

“She’s the reason I’m glad I’m not on the housekeeping team. No wonder Topaz left. You know, I applied to that one first but they thought kitchen was a better fit.”

“You…like to clean?”

“Pfft. Hell no. For money? Hell yeah. But nah, my home can star on _Hoarders_ for all I care.”

 _You and Amethyst both,_ Pearl thought.

“I think you’re doing a great job. Don’t let that brat get to you.” She patted her on the shoulder.

“Okay…”

Jasper looked at her phone. “Shit. My break’s almost over. I’m gonna let you get back to work. See ya.”

“See you.”

Jasper turned around and walked off, slight limp in her gait. Pearl turned the other way and headed to the laundry room.

The rest of her day was excruciatingly slow. There were only two visitors in the entire building and she was “lucky” to have both of them leave today. Luck…really?! She cleaned more rooms that took much more time at her old job!

Pearl shook her head. Her old job…it was a thing of the past. She shouldn’t be comparing her new one to it…but she couldn’t help herself.

Aqua came back and approved the bed Pearl made. Her voice was softer, she showed Pearl how to do things and all she’d do was politely point out something she disapproved of. Pearl wondered if Suzanne told her off. The day ended on a light note and with a rush of relief. Pearl clocked out as soon as the clock hit 2:00 PM.

She stepped out of the building, hands shoved in her pockets as she paced through the parking lot to her route home. She kept her head low as she passed Jasper, who had climbed in what must be her pickup truck. The motor rumbled when Jasper started it.

As Pearl made it to the driveway, Jasper’s vehicle pulled up next to her. “Bye, Pearl,” she said.

Pearl looked up and waved in response, still walking. Jasper called out to her. “Hey, Pearl! You walking home?”

Pearl stopped. She turned around and nodded.

Jasper glanced through the windshield for a second before looking back at her. “Hey…you want a ride?” She patted the passenger’s seat. “I got room.”

“...” A ride did sound nice, but…did she even need one? She knew Jasper was safe, but…going in her truck meant going into a confined space where she’d be forced to converse. Pearl’s heart skipped a beat.

 _It’s alright. I don’t need one_ , Pearl thought about saying. After figuring out the wording to her sentence, she opened her mouth, only to be interrupted.

“I’m heading to Amethyst’s house anyway. Just hop on in.”

“…” _Why would she be interested in being around me? What if I say something stupid and make her hate me?_

_…I must be on thin ice after that party. It doesn’t matter if she forgave me. Not to mention, she probably hated having to defend me today. She does not need to do more favors for me!_

“Um…i-it’s…okay….”

Jasper furrowed her brow. “You sure?”

Pearl cringed. _Oh no! Bad decision! Did I say the wrong thing after all?! Did I hurt her feelings?! You imbecile, Pearl, what have you done?!_ Pearl looked away. She was in too deep and her body started to shake. “I-I-I am not…that far…and I like to exercise.”

Jasper shrugged. “I get that. I like to stay fit too. Have a safe walk home, Pearl. See you there.”

“Thank you. You too…”

Jasper nodded and turned onto the street. Her truck rumbled away, leaving Pearl all by herself. Pearl wanted to scream and bash her head in.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid!_

Still writhing inside with embarrassment, Pearl continued her walk home. Halfway there, she started to wish that she had taken Jasper’s offer. The walk was delayed by herself carefully stepping down the icy sidewalk. Apparently it had snowed a bit today and she wore no boots equipped for it.

She was late by fifteen minutes when she made it home. As expected, Jasper’s truck was in the driveway. Pearl’s cheeks and ears heated and a groan caught in her throat. She dipped her head again and quickly but quietly snuck past the vehicle. She was on the porch when footsteps made their way behind her. Pearl looked over her shoulder.

Greg and Steven were walking up the driveway.

 _WHAT?!_ Without thinking, Pearl flung open the door and rushed inside.

“Hey, P-” Amethyst’s voice said, but Pearl ignored her. Pearl covered her face with her hood as she rushed to her room. She spotted a flash of Jasper in the corner of her eye but ignored that as well. She slammed the door and leaned against it, but no relief was felt. Instead she felt even stupider.

_NOW YOU LOOK EVEN MORE FOOLISH FOR DOING THAT!!!!! HOW RUDE MUST YOU BE?! STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!!!_

She’d probably need to avoid Jasper tomorrow after this nonsense. Or would that just make the situation worse? She felt like a line of falling dominos.

The sound of the front door opened. Great. She should have left it open for Greg too! It only kept getting worse as Greg pointed out, “Was that Pearl who just got in?”

“Chyeah, she went to her room though. Pretty fast too. It was kinda weird but ah well.”

_WEIRD?!?!?!?!_

“Maybe she needed to take a massive piss,” Jasper said. “We all have those days.”

Amethyst cackled. “In her room?!”

Jasper scoffed. “Give me a break, Amethyst! I just got off work; I can’t think straight!”

“Do you have habits you’re not telling me, sis? Do you piss in your bed or something?!” She cackled even harder.

Pearl narrowed her eyes. Why on Earth was toilet humor so funny to her? Ugh, so immature….

Jasper wasn’t impressed either. “Shut up, Amethyst!”

“Hey, Jasper, Amethyst,” Greg tried to interrupt. “Not to ruin your fun but Steven is here.”

“You both said the ‘P’ word!” Steven said. “I get two quarters now!”

“Awww, what?!” Amethyst said.

Jasper grunted as coins jangled. “Goddammit! My mouth is the bane of my-”

“Fifty cents from you now,” Greg sighed.

“Fuck!”

“Jasper! Seventy-five cents!” Greg said.

 _Well no wonder this system isn’t working,_ Pearl thought. That horrendous word should be worth at least a dollar instead of being part of whatever cuss communism Greg’s tactic was.

“Fffffffff…”

“…”

“Fine,” Jasper said. A pause. “What?! I was going to say ‘fine’, okay?!”

Amethyst giggled. “Sure, dude. Sure. That explains how Steven makes bank off you.”

“I like making bank,” Steven said.

“I know you do, son,” Greg said. “But that’s why you shouldn’t swear. Your bank will just go away.”

“Can I swear to give to charity?” Steven asked.

“Um…” He chuckled. “How about you just stick to being a regular ol’ philanthropist?”

“So are you pumped to chop down some trees, Ste-man?” Amethyst asked.

“Yeah!”

“Just one,” Jasper corrected. “Don’t abuse the permit.”

“I know, I know…. Jeez.”

“Yeah right. You’re reckless and you would do that without supervision. You are just like Mama and Rose.”

“…” A silence fell over them. They remained like that for a while. Pearl bit her lip and realized she should probably step away and stop listening now. She headed to her laptop to check her email, but she couldn’t help but still strain her ears.

When Amethyst broke the silence, her voice was so quiet that Pearl could barely hear. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing! I’m just saying you do things without thinking.”

“Just say I’m the next one to die already,” Amethyst snarled.

“Wh-what?! A-Amethyst, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that-!”

“What did you mean then?!”

“Amethyst, I understand why you’re upset, but please control what you say,” Greg said, voice drenched with concern and urgency.

“…Amethyst?” Steven finally piped up but slowly; trembling slightly.

Amethyst heaved a sigh. “It’s fine. I don’t know what’s up with me today…I’m just…not feeling it….”

“…”

“What’s wrong, Amethyst?” Steven asked.

Her voice grew soft. “Nothing, Ste-man. Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to slip.”

“Are you missing Mom and Grandma again?”

“We all miss them, son,” Greg said. “But that’s okay. We just need to live life to the fullest like they’d want us to do.”

“Exactly,” Jasper said. “Grandma’s death date may be tomorrow and it may be hard, but she’d want us to be happy. So go to Coconino, cut down a tree and decorate the doo doo out of it.”

“Jasper,” Greg said.

“What? I said doo doo instead of shit.”

“That’s a dollar…”

“Because of doo doo-? Oh.”

“It’s too bad Grandma’s heart had to stop working,” Steven sighed.

“Oh, it stopped alright,” Amethyst grumbled.

“Amethyst, can you not do this right now?” Jasper said.

“Fine. Whatever.” Amethyst’s footsteps tore away from the living room. They padded down the hall, past Pearl’s door and until Amethyst’s own door slammed shut.

Jasper sighed. “Don’t worry about her, Steven. She’s just…I don’t even know….”

More silence fell over them. Pearl browsed through the emails she wasn’t even paying attention to, awkwardness settling over her. Part of her even wanted to give Amethyst a hug. She shouldn’t be listening to this when it wasn’t her place to hear it…but she was so curious about what happened to Ms. Quartz as well. She knew she had died around four years after Rose had, but she didn’t know the details.

Steven piped up eventually. “…Am I getting another quarter…?”

Jasper chuckled. “Right. You get a dollar now, huh?”

“I should make each swear worth a dollar at this point,” Greg said.

 _That will certainly be more encouraging for her,_ Pearl thought.

“I want dollars!” Steven said.

“Heck no. I’ll be way more broke than I already am.”

“That’s kind of the encouragement to get you to stop swearing,” Greg told her.

Jasper barked a laugh. “You think my mouth will ever be clean? You know my ‘F’ words are going to the grave with me, right?”

“Are you sure Amethyst will be okay?”

“She’ll be fine, Steven,” Greg said. “Soon she’ll be back to her regular old self…just let her be like this for a bit.”

“Okay…”

“Thanks for letting us use the truck,” he added.

“Sure thing. Have fun getting a tree. Remember to get one that actually fits in the house this time.”

Steven laughed. “I will, Jasper.”

“Have a good weekend in Flagstaff.”

“Speaking of which, we should get going before the sun sets. Are you ready, Stuball?”

“Yup!”

“Tell your aunts goodbye.”

“Bye, Jasper.” Some shuffling indicated that he likely gave Jasper a hug. “Love you.”

“You too. Have a good time. HEY AMETHYST, STEVEN’S LEAVING!”

Feet shuffled close to Pearl’s room until a door opened. Amethyst stepped down the hall and back to the living room. “See ya, Ste-man,” she said hoarsely.

“Bye, Amethyst. Love you.”

Greg and the girls said their goodbyes to each other. The front door opened and Steven and Greg stepped out. The pickup truck started and it rumbled down the driveway before officially driving off. Amethyst and Jasper waited for the sound to disappear down the street.

The couch creaked. “Fuck, I’m beat,” Jasper said.

“Hard day?”

“My leg is killing me. Driving your tiny car is gonna be a chore.”

“Hey, it’s better than Greg’s piece of shit.”

“I’m only using yours ‘cause it’s the most decent of everyone else’s trash…well…except for mine.”

“Oh, so yours is better?” Amethyst snorted.

“At least she doesn’t look like she got shat out an albino unicorn’s ass.”

“Gendering your cars, eh, Jasper? What next, you gonna fuck it?”

“I’m more worried about what Greg’s gonna do to it.”

“Ohhh man….don’t even make me remember that shit.”

“His car fetish?”

Pearl frowned. Well that was something she didn’t need to know…at all.

“Dude, don’t!” Amethyst said. “I swear to God that scarred me for life!”

“Remember that video we saw on Rose’s computer when-”

“DUDE!!! I’m serious! That shit makes me want a goddamn icepick lobotomy! Stop or I’m gonna make you _walk_ home!”

“I might have to with how shitty your car is.”

“Hey, it’s either mine or Greg’s.”

“True. I don’t even wanna touch Greg’s van after that video we saw. I wonder if there’s still cum stains on-”

“JASPER!!!!” A sharp slapping sound rang through the house followed with a grunt. “I’ll hit you with a frying pan next!”

Pearl cringed. Mother would go ballistic if she and her sisters treated each other the way Amethyst and Jasper did. Not to mention…Rose actually had porn of…? She shook her head _. No! Absolutely not!_

“You wouldn’t hurt me with a frying pan. Try me.”

“Say cum stain one more time!”

“Cum stain.”

“You asked for it.” Footsteps faded out the living room.

“Wait! I wasn’t done yet. Cum stains…on. Greg’s. Van- HOLY FUCK, AMETHYST!!!”

Pearl winced at how alarmed Jasper sounded. Amethyst cackled.

“YOU SWUNG THAT WAY TOO HARD! YOU LITERALLY WERE GONNA-” Jasper began.

“I swung it over your head!”

“I don’t give a fuck! If you missed-!”

“I did miss.”

Pearl rolled her eyes.

“Oh my fucking God. I mean-”

“Say cum stain again,” Amethyst said.

“If you’re still that fucking stupid, I’m not!” 

“Good. I taught you your place.” Amethyst burst into laughter again.

“Haha, very funny…” Jasper droned. “You go way too far sometimes, you know that?”

“And torturing me with Greg’s cum stains ain’t?”

“Still. You go too far. Like when Steven was over just now.”

“You dropped the ‘F’ bomb in front of him, including, like…every other time you’re around him.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“…”

Jasper sighed. “That shit about our mom…did you have to say that in front of him?”

“I didn’t _say_ say it…”

“I don’t care. You almost did. He doesn’t need to know that shit, got it?!”

“Hey, it could’ve been worse…” Amethyst grumbled.

“I don’t give an abysmal shit about that! What’s the fact is that you almost said it! And you fucking called her heartless too! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Amethyst’s tone dropped. “Oh…so she wasn’t?”

“She wasn’t!”

“You wouldn’t get it….”

“And why is that?!”

“You were still in high school. I just became an adult. I was going to live my life to the fullest. But because of her fucking decision to kill herself and leave the two of us behind-”

“AND YOU THINK I WASN’T AFFECTED?!”

Pearl’s heart wrenched. _She committed suicide…?_ Pearl did remember Rose mentioning that Ms. Quartz struggled with depression, but also that she was handling it well.

“Of course you were, Jasper, it’s just different for me-”

“OF FUCKING COURSE IT IS!! IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!”

“YOU WOULDN’T GET IT!” Amethyst screamed back.

“WHAT?! Having to take care of me for, what, eleven months?! Maybe you should’ve left me dying on the streets then!”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“What were you gonna fucking do if she lived, just mooch off Mama and smoke weed and be a fucking loser?! YOU HAD NO PLANS WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!!!”

“I WAS GONNA LEAVE THIS SHIT TOWN!!!”

“Then you should!”

“I can’t just pack my shit and move wherever the fuck I want!”

“You can fix your fucking problem! You have a light at the end of the tunnel- maybe it won’t happen right now; maybe not tomorrow or maybe not in the next twelve fucking years, but you’ll get out of this town, got it?! You have hope. Just be glad you got that, got it?!”

“…”

“I need to go.” The couch creaked.

“Jasper, wait.”

“What?”

“I’m sorry. It’s just…I wish none of this shit happened.”

“I know….” Jasper sighed. “But death is part of life…. Rose and Mama’s was fucked up, but that shit happens sometimes. And…” She paused. “Amethyst, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I provoked you like that and shit. But I’m still pissed you called Mama heartless and said that shit in front of Steven.”

“It’s fine.”

“You sure?”

“Well…that. I’m not over their deaths, though.”

“Pfft. You think I am?”

“At least you deal with it. I wish I can deal with this like you can,” Amethyst sighed.

“You don’t need to deal with shit like me. You’re fine and I’m fine.”

“I guess what I mean is, like, you’re so…chill about it.”

“It didn’t happen overnight, Amethyst.”

“I know. I just…wish I could catch up! Everyone, even you, is ahead of me when I’m supposed to be ahead of them!”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, I’m supposed to be the big sister with Rose gone. Then I had to get even more of my shit together after Mama died and I…I can’t fucking do it, okay?! I can’t get my shit together! I’m an immature asshat! That’s who I am! I should be going to parties, getting hooked on crystal meth and getting knocked up by men I won’t remember-!”

“I’m kinda glad you’re not?”

“I was just making a point, but…I can’t do that shit anyway because I’m supposed to be the mature one now!”

“Maturity is good, Amethyst.”

“I know! I’m an adult with a job and that’s good, but my college days are nonexistent; I have no parental figures to guide me so I have to figure it all myself! I had to hold down a job, take care of your ass, figure out what the hell bills are; keep everything together, when I should be young and stupid! And the worst part is, I still _am_ young and stupid!”

“You don’t have to be young and stupid, dude.”

“I know. If I knew Rose was going to throw her fucking life away, maybe I would be the one in college, and then I’d waste my goddamn life too and then you’d be the one wishing you were in college!”

“Uhh….”

“Because that’s the fucking thing! You’re more mature! I know you don’t want to go to college, but if anyone in this fucking family deserves to go, it’s you. Not Rose. Definitely not me! And I wish I could be like you so I can actually be awesome at being mature instead of…being a fucking failure about it!”

“…”

“That’s all I gotta say.”

“So…you’re jealous of me.”

“Duh.”

Jasper stayed quiet for a moment…then started to chuckle. The chuckles escalated into guffaws.

“What the fuck, dude?!” Amethyst said behind her laughter. “I’m trying to have a moment, asswipe, and you fucking laugh at me?!”

Jasper calmed down. “Sorry. I’m not laughing at you. It’s just…I’m not mature!”

“But you got so much of your shit together-”

“Last summer, you literally dared me to sled down a hill on a cactus and I fucking did it.”

Amethyst laughed. “Didn’t expect you to give in, dumbass.”

“Hey, it was for five bucks.”

“And you lost eighty ruining your favorite jeans.”

“I spent hours holding a pair of tweezers with my bare ass in front of the mirror.”

Amethyst laughed even harder.

“How the fuck is that mature?”

“You’re so dumb.”

“You wanna know a secret?”

“You know I’m all about that shit.”

“Life isn’t easy. You know what I do with my life? I work hard. I don’t take it easy.”

“Lammmmmme.”

“Seriously,” Jasper said. “You can’t expect life to be a bowl of motherfucking cherries without hard work. You know what I gotta do every day?”

“Work out?”

“What? No- I mean, yes, but- anyway. The best thing I do is tell myself ‘I love my life’ and I do that over and over until it becomes true.”

“Do…do you love your life?”

“Damn right I do.”

“No, I mean the truth.”

“Does it fucking matter? I’m gonna keep saying ‘I love my life’ no matter how hard it gets.”

“…”

“You will get out of this town and you will achieve your dreams,” Jasper said. “But for now…do that shit I’m doing.”

“Is this an assignment?”

“Yes. I’m your teacher now.”

“I’ll just take an ‘F’ and a detention slip, thanks.”

“Can we stop playing around?” Jasper told her. Amethyst said nothing and Jasper continued. “Happiness is an emotion; not some fucking thing you put inside your body. Happiness is already in you and if you want it, you gotta learn how to feel it from inside yourself.”

“Pfft…I guess…”

“I’m right.”

“Hey…” Amethyst began. “You got a two hour commute, right?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you wanna…stay here tonight? Your work is like a minute away from here anyway.”

“Hm…yeah, that could work.”

“Sweet!”

Their conversation continued to drift, further into superficial things. Pearl was completely lost by the time they got absorbed in a videogame, where at this point, they only talked about weapons, stats and other things Pearl didn’t understand. It became a lot easier to avoid eavesdropping at this point.

After a few hours of browsing Facebook and listening to music, Pearl’s restlessness became unbearable. She hated lounging around. Now that she was employed, she didn’t have job searching to take up her time. She thought about cleaning the house, but with Jasper there, she wanted to remain in her room.

At some point, her throat was dry enough for her to decide to leave her room. Keeping her gaze to the floor, Pearl carefully stepped through the living room and to the kitchen. She grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and drank out of it. She may as well grab something quick to eat as well.

“Hey, Pearl,” Jasper said from the living room.

Pearl resisted heaving a sigh. “H-hello…” She snatched the apple from the fridge and placed it on the cutting board.

Pearl finished slicing the apple. She scooped it on a plate before adding a dollop of peanut butter on the side. She grabbed her dinner and tried to scuttle to her room before Amethyst stopped her.

“Awww, you already got food,” Amethyst said. “Was gonna ask if you want dinner with us. I may as well make for more than just one so yeah.”

Pearl looked away. “Oh…um…” She looked at her apple. “If…if you want…”

“Hell yeah!” Well, it seemed it was decided and Pearl didn’t have a choice now. Guess that meant she’d have to spend time around Jasper…ugh.

Jasper offered to make dinner tonight, to Amethyst’s dismay. Apparently Jasper wanted to make something healthy and didn’t want to eat Amethyst’s greasy cooking, which elicited more bickering. They both settled on sweet and sour meatballs…which Pearl had never heard of. It was something Jasper had made at her old job and Amethyst agreed that it seemed good, so Pearl decided to give it a try as well.

They sat at the table together. Pearl didn’t say much unless asked a question. She prodded at her food.

“Oh, Amethyst, did I tell ya? Pearl and me are work buddies,” Jasper mentioned.

“What?!” Amethyst said. “You mean, like…you guys work together?”

“Damn right.”

“Nobody told me this!”

“Well now you know.”

“What else do I not know?”

“How many brain cells do you have again?”

“Shut up, dude. She get on your nerves, P?” Amethyst added with a laugh.

Pearl shook her head.

“She does a good job. Works hard,” Jasper said, making Pearl blush.

“That’s g,” Amethyst said.

“Why would I give her a hard time? I only do that to the shit workers and the ones that bitch.” Jasper speared a meatball with her fork.

“Like the Aqua chick?”

“Holy fuck, don’t even get me started. She was a bitch to Pearl today.”

“Oh my God, what? Who would be a bitch to Pearl?”

“Then she threatened to tell on me, that fucking two year old.”

“Gimme the deets!”

As Jasper rambled about what happened today, Pearl slowly ate her food. The conversation drifted from that topic to random things in their daily lives. They talked together and laughed together. There was no shallow bragging, or genuine, offhanded put-downs or that stiff air that radiated around her own family gatherings.

Instead they seemed so at ease with each other, bound together not by blood, but by actual love for each other. Pearl fought back a smile. Warmth filled her up. She was so lucky to be in an environment like this-

Pearl’s eyes widened. She stopped herself. She recognized that warmth; remembered feeling the same way when she had dinner with Rose and the Quartz family all those years ago. She remembered how the feeling grew as her relationship with Rose grew. There was a time where she genuinely believed this family was her own…perhaps even more than her own, blood-given family.

But the Quartzes weren’t her family anymore…were they? Pearl’s shoulders sagged.

No, Pearl was just a roommate now. She was only a convenience in a society where rent was difficult to afford. This moment was just an act of kindness and nothing else…something Amethyst felt obligated to do.

Pearl shouldn’t be feeling this warmth. She especially shouldn’t be feeling it when she was banned from seeing Rose’s son.

Pearl thought for a moment. Did she…belong anywhere? At least Amethyst and Jasper had support through their hardships. Pearl…didn’t have anybody she could turn to. Nowhere to go to.

Honestly, when she thought of it, Pearl was glad that Amethyst and Jasper had one another. They deserved love and support. The family was unfortunate, after all, and both sisters were going through a lot. Perhaps that was why Pearl felt bad for being jealous of the relationship they had.

 _How dare you be so selfish?!_ Pearl spat at herself. _They need this more than you do! What is wrong with you?!_ Pearl finished her dinner and got up.

_Sheena is right…you really are a toxic, negative bitch._

Amethyst broke Pearl out of her thoughts. “I’ll do the dishes tonight. No pressure,” Amethyst said as Pearl placed her bowl in the sink.

“Thank you,” Pearl whispered.

“G’night, Pearl.”

“Goodnight…”

Pearl retreated to her room; to the only place where she wasn’t an awful person _. It is no wonder why you have no support,_ Pearl thought.

She gazed out the window; at the desert that the night casted over. She had pushed away everybody…everyone who could offer love to her. Maybe if she wasn’t so horrible, those people would still be here, including Rose.

 _“I love you so much but I can’t do it anymore,”_ Rose had told her after breaking up. _“When I love you, it hurts. I’m nothing but your lifeline and I can’t save you. You’re only pulling me down with you. Loving you is the worst possible thing I can do! I'm sorry.”_

Pearl ripped her gaze away from the window. She dragged herself to bed. She went under the covers and stared at the darkness.

Pearl didn’t deserve support. Most of all, bad people didn’t need friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As the first note said, I'll be in Denver next week. But look forward to the next chapter (which will be the weekend after the next). :D We shall be delving into a lot of Pearl/Lapis interactions from now on...finally. Did you think I forgot? LOLOL. No I'm just an incredible slow-burner.


	12. Another Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains self-harm and suicidal themes. Bad mental health days are not fun LMFAO.
> 
> By the way, I want to thank everyone who talked to me last week. That means a lot. ^^ I feel a lot better than I did last week.

As yesterday left the world behind, the new day welcomed December.

Pearl remained under the covers until the sun rose. It was her day off and she decided to take a much needed rest after the first week of her new job. She lazed until the light streamed from the curtain and hit her face. She slipped from the bed.

Pearl padded out the door, contemplating on whether she wanted black or green tea. It was eerily quiet. That was why it caught her off guard to see Amethyst and Jasper in the living room.

Jasper was on the couch, where a mess of blankets sprawled around her. Amethyst looked like she just got out of bed, with her hair messier than usual and wearing an oversized, tattered shirt with faded, starry pajama pants. Amethyst stood and leaned into Jasper while their arms remained wrapped tightly around each other.

 _It’s their mother’s death date,_ Pearl recalled. Pearl wondered if she should leave.

The two noticed before Pearl could sneak off. They broke apart immediately and looked away from each other as if that hug had never happened.

“Morning, P,” Amethyst said. Her eyes were red, as if she had just been crying. She did a good job at passing it off as nonexistent.

“Morning…” Pearl dipped her head and drifted to the kitchen.

“When do you gotta work, sis?”

“I’m doing an afternoon shift, thank God,” Jasper said.

“Ain’t you an early bird?”

“Yeah. Over here, mornings’ll be fine, but when I’m commuting, it pisses me off.”

“Yeah, I can never fucking do what you do.”

“I know, nightshift fuck.”

“Hey, have all the worms you want, early bird. They’re fucking nasty anyway.”

“Does this mean you ate worms before?” Jasper teased.

“You ate my fist through your whole childhood, so don’t test me.”

“You stopped punching me after I started working out. You wouldn’t punch me unless it’s almost giving me a concussion with a frying pan ‘cause you’re an idiot.”

“I slapped you for saying cum stain.”

“I said punch; not slap.”

Amethyst laughed. “So you can punch somebody with a frying pan?”

Jasper held her head. “Ugh, I need coffee.”

“You working today, P?” Amethyst said.

Pearl shook her head.

“Sweet. I’m off too.”

“Lucky,” Jasper said. “I got another day till my Friday.”

Pearl finished making her tea. They chatted as Pearl returned to the bedroom. She spent the next bit of her morning checking her email and rereading some anthropology book to kill time. She finished her tea about ten minutes later, then got back up to wash her mug. She had just cracked the door open when she heard her name.

“How’s living with Pearl?” Jasper asked behind the tune of videogames. Their voices were so low that Pearl had to strain her ears. She halted behind the door.

“It’s g,” Amethyst said. “She cleans. She keeps to herself.”

“Anything else?”

“No. Why?”

“Just making sure.”

“About what?”

“Well…you know…the whole dating our sister shit. And the way she acted at Steven’s party.”

Pearl’s breath caught in her throat.

“Yeah. She felt bad about it,” Amethyst said, making Pearl relax slightly. “Greg told me he’s not letting her around Steven anymore. I guess she’s respecting that.”

“She apologized to me too,” Jasper said.

“That’s good. If she didn’t own up for her actions, then that’s a whole ‘nother story.”

“Yeah,” Jasper said. She paused. “It’s just…something doesn’t feel right with her.”

Pearl’s heart stopped.

“Why?” Amethyst asked.

“Haven’t you noticed? I don’t think she likes us,” Jasper finally said.

Pearl’s face paled. _What…?_ Not like the Quartz family? Of course she liked the Quartz family! She kept listening, straining her ears harder; trying to push past the haze that started to cloud up her mind.

“Why wouldn’t she like us?” Amethyst asked.

“She’s just really terse and shit.”

A lump formed in Pearl’s throat. She wanted to stop listening before it ripped into her even more, but she continued.

“She’s shy, Jasper. Give her a break.”

“I know she’s shy but she doesn’t look like she wants to be around us either. I tried to be Pearl’s friend since we’re coworkers and all that shit-”

_Because we’re coworkers?! Is that the only reason she wouldn’t hate me…?_

“-I tried to offer her a ride yesterday but she rejected it-”

“Maybe she just wanted to walk, dude.”

“That’s true, but think about it. Look at how uncomfortable she always fucking looks.”

 _My discomfort is that visible?!_ Pearl felt sick. She wanted to cry, too.

“So what? She still hangs out with me,” Amethyst said.

“Do you ask her though or are you just being pushy?”

“Well-”

Jasper sighed. “I was worried about her last night. She looked so uncomfortable at dinner and then left as soon as she was done.”

“Maybe she was…in a hurry for something?”

“I don’t think so, Ames. Also, you just pushed her into eating with us. She didn’t say ‘yes’ or anything. You really need to stop that.”

“I thought she wanted to.”

“No. _You_ wanted her to.”

Amethyst said nothing.

“Look…we have a history with her. Not us, but our sister. You saw how she acted at the party. Can’t you see she’s not over that?”

“I guess…”

“Pearl is nice. I get it. But I can see that she doesn’t want anything to do with us,” Jasper said. “I don’t know why the fuck she moved in with you, but you need to respect her…okay?”

_No…I want something to do with you!_

“ _Fine…_ ” Amethyst groaned.

“I know you miss Peridot as your roommate but you can’t just fucking replace her, you know?”

“I know…”

 _But…I don’t hate you,_ Pearl thought. It was as if she got stabbed in the chest. _I don’t hate you! I’m just…scared! I’m so scared!_

 _…I didn’t want to push you away either. But I am…aren’t I? I always push people away!_ Her breath hitched and she found that she was unable to breathe.

She waited to hear more but only found that the conversation had ended. They talked about other topics as if that one had never happened. Pearl’s mind, however, refused to forget what she had just heard.

_You never stop messing up, do you?_

Pearl had to get out of here. She needed fresh air. She needed space.

Everything was a blur. She tried to go as fast as she could, avoiding confrontation with the sisters. Her heart raced and sweat poured down her temples.

Amethyst didn’t acknowledge her as Pearl sped-walked to the front door. It pierced her heart even more. She quickly slid into her coat and boots and stepped outside. As soon as she did, she sped walked down the street, breathing heavily, mind clouding up; tears pricking her eyes as a lump formed in her already constricting throat.

She didn’t know where she was going, but she had to get away.

_You always mess up, don’t you?_

Pearl walked faster, increasing speed each time her heart did.

_You always mess up, don’t you? You stupid piece of shit, you negative bitch, you worthless cunt…._

Pearl sobbed a little. She covered her face with her hood so that no passing cars could see her distress.

Time flew. Pearl found herself beyond the outskirts of town. She paced alongside the road, not caring about how far she was. The lake glimmered right next to her.

The sun raised higher in the sky. How long had she been walking? It didn’t matter. She’d walk until she keeled over if that meant getting away from everything.

Everything practically blacked out again as Pearl withdrew into her thoughts. She remembered the party that Jasper had brought up. It was such a blur, but she remembered how many drinks she had had and how miserable she felt. She remembered getting yelled at by Amethyst. She remembered Greg beating around the bush to tell her that she couldn’t see his son anymore. They forgave her…right?!

Of course they didn’t.

 _They were just being nice to you. Just like how Rose was nice to you but hated you in secret for months._ Besides, she didn’t deserve to be forgiven.

She kept walking and walking and walking…the sun rising and rising and rising until it was no longer a sunrise but a centerpiece in the sky.

 _No one knows where you are,_ Pearl thought. _But no one cares, do they? No one is thinking about you. All you do is push people away; all the people that could care about you are just pushed away._

_…You are all alone and you deserve every minute of it._

Keep her distance to not hurt somebody, like Amethyst and Jasper? It pushed them away. Open up and get close to somebody, like Rose and Sheena? It pushed them away. She was practically a human repellant.

_But you didn’t keep your distance. You tried, oh you tried, but a disaster like yourself will mess up. Why did you have to drink so many drinks, Pearl?_

_Do you want to live? You should die. No one will care. Put yourself out of your misery already; spare people of your bullshit._

Pearl snapped out of it when the road forked into a turn. She slowed to a stop to study the few docks that were ahead of her now. She knew those docks from anywhere…it was the Crystal Marina.

Crystal…the lake’s largest, busiest marina, miles away from town. There were only two cars parked in the lot and only one boat on the entire lake. It was busier in the summer, but in winter, no one bothered to be there.

She looked out at the road, wondering if she should continue on her way before anyone noticed her. The last thing she wanted was to be around anybody. Her eyes scanned the area until she found a trail off to the side.

“…”

Pearl stepped down the trail.

The trail stood alongside the lake, providing a pleasant view of the canyons, but the further Pearl went, the more it winded through rocks and campgrounds. Barbeques, fire pits and pavilions occasionally lined the trail. There was even a plaque made of stone that contained information on the history of Beach City and this lake.

Pearl kept walking. She didn’t stop until the trail thinned and came to its end. All that was ahead now was a jagged, rocky beach that no one in their right mind would camp on. In front of it stood a sign that said _“Danger. Do not go beyond this point.”_

_You should step off the trail. You should go down there. You should get lost._

_You already ruin everything anyway._

Pearl swallowed. She glanced past the trail and down at the hill that sloped away from it.

_Why are you standing there like an idiot? Step off the trail._

She stepped off the trail.

Pearl tottered down the hill, almost tripping over from how steep and rocky it was, but she eventually made it to the bottom. She walked along the rocks as waves lapped against them. She crunched across the beach. At the other side was a thicket which she pushed through.

Cacti scraped across her shins and crushed under her boots. She didn’t care. She’d keep going and going and going.

Something rattled.

Pearl’s heart jumped. She snapped out of her apathy. The time between hearing the rattle and bolting away from the source was only a millisecond, but it felt like an hour as blood pumped through her ears and as the rattle blasted through her head, sending shivers up her form. She didn’t stop running. The thicket tore through her legs but she didn’t care. All that mattered was getting away from that terrifying sound.

She kept running until she reached a large, smooth, red rock that sloped upward, far from the brush. She panted and looked back. The rattling faded away.

The footing was finally a lot easier. She stepped up the hill. Her legs started to sting and she felt blood dribbling down her socks. A paranoid part of her wondered if the snake bit her, but she brushed it off. She’d be in agony if she had a snake bite.

_You should be in agony._

As soon as she made it to the top of the rock, she let herself stop, catching her breath. She sat down to rest her sore feet. She doubted anyone would see her now.

Pearl looked out at the lake. The marina was only a dot from here. Canyons towered over her, which the lake winded between like roots of a plant. Most of all, everything was quiet; not a single sound was heard except for the wind whispering in her ears. She allowed the tranquility to settle over her…only for a moment.

The beauty of this place faded into the back of her mind, replaced with the reason why she was here. Her lip trembled. Tears found their way back to her eyes. They welled up for a split second, and the next she found herself sobbing. She buried her face in her knees, gasping.

_What am I going to do…?_

Pearl cried harder. All she could do was let everything out. So that’s what she did, just crying in her knees, her blubbering echoing softly in the canyon. Perhaps she could think a bit more rationally if she got her emotions out first.

It took a few moments to get it out of her system. Pearl sniffled. She wiped her face and wished she had brought tissues. She decided to wipe the snot off with the back of her hand like some unruly child, feeling more disgusting, and then rinse it off in the freezing water. She slid down the hill to the shore and scrubbed her numbing hands in it. She flapped the water off and buried her hands in her warm pockets.

 _Alright…are you calm now?_ Pearl inhaled and exhaled slowly. Her eyes felt puffy and red. At least she felt sort of back to her senses now. She looked at her surroundings.

 _This is…irrational._ She sighed. _You are an adult. You are not some thirteen year old child running away from home- you need to face your problems. But…it is beautiful here._ As stupid as she acted, at least she had something to admire here instead of moping in her room. A slight hint of snow at the canyon’s top glittered in the sunlight while shadows casted over the water. The chill was strange but soothing- so different from the sweltering heat from when she would visit in the summer.

_…What am I doing here?_

Her heart jolted. Wait…what was she doing here?! Her initial peace dissolved into fear now. She felt like a rabbit that had wandered into a wolf’s den. She stepped off the trail…in the wilderness….

 _Are you an imbecile?! Oh, let’s face it, you are, BUT WHY, PEARL?! WHY?!_ She recalled the rattlesnake she heard in the thicket. She glanced down at the leggings that were ripped at the shins, needles sticking through them and blood caking the fabric. She went through that once; she’d have to go through that again. Unless she could figure out how to scale the cliff side or swim to avoid it.

_What if I get bit by the snake this time?!_

She sat there, feeling stuck, mind running with solutions only to realize the setbacks. It seemed her only option was to go through the thicket again.

 _You stupid piece of shit._ She pulled her knees close and studied her abused shins. She pinched one of the needles and yanked it out, gritting her teeth.

_You really are a stupid piece of shit._

Pearl pulled out another needle. And another. And another. A pile of needles collected on the rock.

_Why are you helping yourself? You deserve to have those needles in you. Put those needles back in you. Shove them into your flesh. Shove them deep, deep into your flesh until they’re impossible to pull out._

Pearl pulled out another needle.

Before she could set it on the pile, she studied it. The blood on the tip. How sharp it was. A metal needle would do much more nicely…but she was in the wilderness. Perhaps a rock would do more damage than what a measly cactus could do.

Pearl’s eyes widened. Her breath shuddered. She glanced at a red rock at her side. Her hand floated over it for a few seconds. Then her hand dropped and she snatched it.

Before she knew it, she smashed the object as hard as she could against her leg.

The soft rock shattered disappointingly into crumbles and sand. The needles drove further into her flesh from the impact. She let out a cry.

_Think about how different it would be if that rock was harder. Imagine breaking your own bones. Do you want to break your bones? You deserve to break your bones-_

Before she could think more, a distant motor sound met her ears. She straightened up and looked out at the lake. In the distance, a watercraft zoomed across the water.

Pearl jumped to her feet. She watched it ride around, making circles and other motions. Pearl simply watched it.

The watercraft slowed down. She squinted to see a head turn in her direction.

_They noticed me?!_

The driver shifted the watercraft back into gear. It headed towards her. Pearl groaned softly. _You are ruining this person’s day because of your stupid decisions…._ She wondered if she should run away, but would that only make her look stupid?

Before she could make a decision, the watercraft slowed to a stop near the shore. A slender person in a black wetsuit sat on the vehicle. The outfit covered them from head to toe, their whole face concealed except for their eyes. They looked…really disinterested…perhaps even annoyed? Pearl could hardly tell but it was enough to make her stiffen.

“Hey. You shouldn’t be on this part of the lake- it’s dangerous. Where’s your vehicle?” the very, very familiar voice said.

 _Is that…? No! NO, NO, NO, NO!_ Pearl tried to shake that off. She had to get to the point. “I-I-I’m…stuck…” _WHY DID YOU HAVE TO TELL THE TRUTH?! JUST LIE, YOU IDIOT!!!!_

“Of course another person is….”

 _Another person?_ Pearl thought. Well, at least that meant she wasn’t alone?

“How did you get over here?”

“I…I walked…”

“You stepped off the trail?”

Pearl nodded.

“Didn’t you see the sign that said you shouldn’t go beyond the trail?”

Pearl decided to lie by shaking her head.

The person looked away and scoffed. Pearl flinched. _She thinks you’re an idiot! LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!_ “I can give you a ride back, I guess….” Pearl’s gut clenched.

“Um…a-a-actually, it’s alright.” _I’ll just get bit by the snake. This is my mess anyway…._

“You said you’re stuck,” they said.

“Um.” _Now look what you’re doing! This isn’t diffusing the situation! This is just making them think you’re some kind of prankster wasting their time!_

“Look,” they began. “I work here. This place is losing its popularity. I don’t want to deal with having some idiot die here and hit the papers and then make us lose more tourists.”

Pearl didn’t know what to say.

“Do you want a ride or not?”

Pearl said nothing. Her face was on fire and her legs felt like jelly. She still had no idea what to say, so she just stood there stupidly. A lump grew in her throat and her eyes swam.

“Just get on. Who are you again?”

 _Again?! Oh no…it really is her…._ Pearl looked at the ground. “Pearl,” she squeaked.

“Right. Get on, Pearl.”

“I’m sorry,” Pearl whispered.

“Huh?”

“You don’t have to…”

“But you need help.Unless you want to go back the way you came…but I don’t get why. And that’ll suck for the both of us.”

Pearl took a few steps back. “N-no…I don’t need help,” she quavered. “I-I-I realized-” She forced a laugh. “-th-that I can make it…by myself.” _What are you doing?! You’re just annoying her more!!! WHAT DO I DO?!_

_You ruin everybody’s day, Pearl. You worthless piece of shit. You toxic, negative bitch._

“You sure? You look a little beat up.” Her eyes were on Pearl’s shins. Pearl fidgeted, wishing she’d stop looking at them.

 “I…” Pearl took a deep breath. “I…am sure.” As she said it, she realized tears were streaming down her face. _Now you just look even more like an idiot! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!_ To her dismay, it only pushed more sobs out of her. She covered her face with her hands. “I’m sorry!” She sobbed some more.

“Woah. Hey…” The girl swung her legs over the seat and plopped into the water. One hand held onto the watercraft. “It’s okay. I can take you back. I was heading back to the marina anyway.”

Pearl tried to get herself to stop crying, but to no avail. This was so embarrassing. This was so shameful. She was nothing but a disaster.

“Where did you come from? I’ll take you back.”

She hiccupped. “The marina,” she lied.

“Come on. I’ll help you.”

Pearl wiped her tears away, only to have them renewed. Still whimpering softly, she dragged herself over. _You stupid burden._ She paused, wondering if she should just turn back.

“I won’t bite.”

Pearl blinked back more tears. _Oh no…there it is again…she thinks you hate her now!_ “I know,” she whispered, despite being skeptical about it. She’d be lying if she said this girl didn’t intimidate her a bit. At least she was helpful, though.

_She’s only helpful because this is her job. If she didn’t work here, she’d leave you to die._

“You have to step in the water,” the girl said. “…It sucks, I know.”

Pearl hesitated before taking a slow step forward. A baby step pipped in the shallowest bit of surface, then splashed to her ankles. She waded far enough in for icy water to flood into her boots and seep into her socks, sending chills up her spine. She sloshed to the girl’s side. Pearl had a feeling that walking home would be an unpleasant one. Not to mention, the day was fading away as well. She might be walking in the dark at some point on her journey.

The girl opened the trunk and pulled out a lifejacket. “Here.” She tossed it to her. “I’m not holding myself accountable if you drown so wear it.”

She shakily strapped herself in it. It was slightly too big, but then again, Pearl was usually too small to fit in anything. Pearl wondered where the other girl’s lifejacket was. _She must be confident without one. This lake is known to be rather deep. Or perhaps she is reckless?_

“Okay, now step in the middle of it. Anywhere else will flip it over.”

Pearl followed the girl’s directions. It took a good bit of upper body strength to hoist herself up onto the watercraft. She straddled the seat as the girl joined her. Pearl scooted to the back and gripped onto each side of it.

“Hold onto me so you don’t fly off.”

Pearl paused. Hold…onto her? Physical contact was the last thing that Pearl needed to do after burdening this girl! But she did as she was told as to not annoy her further, and wrapped her arms around her waist, trying not to lean in too close.

“We’re going to go fast, so don’t let go.” She started the engine, which roared and gurgled in the water. She reversed slowly from the shore. It shrunk further and further away, and once they were a decent distance away from it, the watercraft burst down the lake. Pearl yelped and squeezed the girl tighter, stomach jumping into her chest as wind hit her face and tangled through her hair.

The watercraft bounced across the water, each small wave tossing it at least a few inches in the air. Each inch felt like a mile. Pearl’s heart thumped in her chest and her stomach twisted to the point where she felt green. At the very least, the marina grew closer.

If Pearl thought simply riding down a lake at high speeds was too intense, then she definitely couldn’t comprehend the turn they made to get into the marina. White, churned up water trailed to the side of them as the girl flipped a turn. Pearl wanted to scream. She tightened around the girl like an anaconda would to kill its prey. The ordeal was finally over once they straightened out, at last slowing down after passing the buoys. Pearl continued holding onto the girl, worried she’d slip off out of dizziness if she didn’t.

They said nothing as they floated to the docks. The girl parked, tied up her vehicle, and hopped onto the deck with such swift ease. She turned to look down at Pearl.

“Need help?”

“Um…” Pearl swallowed, world unsteady and her feeling weak. If she had any food in her stomach, she would have likely lost her lunch already. “I can…I can do it.” She reached to the dock with trembling hands and gripped onto it like an idiot. She pulled herself forward, her feet brushing through the water before she pushed herself up. Her belly dragged across the metal as she crawled onto dry land.

“…” The girl watched her and said nothing. Pearl’s face burned. Suddenly she wished she had kept up on her ballet lessons…perhaps that would have prevented her from being the klutz she was right now.

The world swayed as Pearl stumbled up. She tried to steady herself and hopefully not appear as dizzy as she felt. As she did, the girl pulled her hood back. Blue hair flipped out of it, and that freckled face was in full view. Pearl’s heart jolted.

 _IT REALLY IS HER!!!!! OH GOD, OH GOD!!!!!_ Did this cute girl always have to see Pearl in her worst states?!

_Unless…she is her twin sister? Oh, cut it out, Pearl, there is no way out of this one!_

_You wouldn’t be in this mess if you hadn’t stepped off that trail. Why did you step off the trail? Do you think you’re Bear Grylls?!_

“Why did you step off the trail?” Lapis asked, eyeing the area that Pearl had ventured into. “No offense but you don’t look like the Bear Grylls type.”

_That’s what I just told myself!_

“Also there’s a lot of snakes in there.”

_I sure learned that!_

“Where’s your car?”

Pearl blinked. Right…she didn’t come here by car, did she? “Um…I got…dropped off?” She unclipped her lifejacket and handed it back to Lapis.

Lapis took the jacket. “Okay?” Her eyes fell to Pearl’s shins again. Sweat formed on Pearl’s temples. “Are you okay?”

“I’m alright…I’ll take care of it when I’m home.”

“’Kay.”

Awkward silence.

“Anyway,” Lapis began, glancing away. “I was just out for a ride after my shift. I’m going home now.” She turned around and paced down the dock, only to stop and look over her shoulder. “Bye.”

“Goodbye…”

Lapis paced down the doc again. Pearl stood there, rubbing her arm. She turned around to watch the sun about to set. The canyons were a bit more orange than when Pearl got here, casting navy shadows onto the lake.

Now that she was safe, it came to her attention how thirsty, hungry and tired she was. Her throat was dry and her stomach hurt. Her legs were sore and weak and they quaked slightly, both from fear and fatigue. Walking for hours without any water and on an empty stomach was a rather rash decision on her part. She glanced at the gift shop next to the parking lot, wondering if she could get a water.

_Oh, please. You don’t deserve to drink. You don’t deserve to eat._

Pearl trudged off the dock and past the gift shop, her heart sinking.

“Hey.”

Pearl jumped. She turned around to see Lapis. She was so worried about other things, she hadn’t bothered to listen for a car to drive away.

Lapis walked out the bathroom. She had her wetsuit folded over an arm while a jacket and pants replaced what she had just worn minutes ago. “Where are you going?”

 _Mind your own business, won’t you?!_ She plastered on a smile that felt too tight to be believable. “Just…walking before I get picked up.”

“With your legs being like that?”

Pearl nodded, smile still on her face as she felt like an idiot.

“You look pale too.”

“Well I am Caucasian.”

Lapis frowned. Pearl bit her lip.

Lapis looked away. “Okay…right.” She walked to one of the only two vehicles in the parking lot- a truck that was much slimmer and more modern than Jasper’s. She turned around and studied Pearl for a moment…appearing to be thinking about something.

“Hey…” Lapis began. “If you want…I can take you home. I’m going back to town anyway.”

Pearl said nothing. She glanced down at her feet, then back at the sun that seemed even lower than the last time she looked at it. “Um…” _Don’t bother her! She doesn’t need to deal with you!_

_…_

_…Jasper thought your rejecting her offer was because you hated her._

_What if Lapis feels the same? What if…what if what?! Is there any right decision in this situation?!_ Tears pricked her eyes again. Pearl quickly wiped them away, her blood boiling at herself.

_You are in an endless cycle of nonsense. Can’t you do anything right? You can’t, can you…? Just stay at this lake. Die in the cold._

Pearl snapped out of it, only to realize that Lapis was right next to her now. Pearl backed away a little before stopping herself. What if backing away made Lapis think Pearl hated her? Lapis backed away too. Pearl’s chest wrenched.

“Who’s picking you up?”

“Amethyst…” Pearl lied. _As if she would. She thinks you hate her now…_ Her eyes watered again.

“When?”

“In ten minutes…” Her lips contorted.

“Hey…” Her voice was soft…too soft. “Is something wrong?”

“No…” she whispered so softly that anything louder would make her cry.

“Really?”

“I’m…I’m…” She burst into tears. “I’m fine!”

Thoughts ran through her head. Thoughts about how much she messed up today, thoughts about everything she heard Jasper say; all the thoughts she had assaulted herself with about how worthless she was and how much she needed to die. She turned her back to Lapis as if that would keep her from noticing her sobs.

“What’s wrong?” Lapis’s voice said from behind her. “Is it me?”

 _Is it me?_ Her words ricocheted in Pearl’s head. _Is it me? Is it me?!_ It only encouraged Pearl to continue crying.

“N-no,” Pearl gasped. “Please don’t think that! I don’t hate you-” Her words drowned out into more sobs. “I-I don’t hate anybody! Please don’t!”

“What’s wrong?”

Pearl shook her head and kept crying.

Lapis took some steps in front of Pearl. “Hey…” Lapis began again. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“Thank you,” Pearl said.

“I’m going to help you sit down, okay?”

Lapis touched her hand and guided her to the bench that sat on the side of the gift shop. She sat down with Pearl, Pearl on one end of the bench while Lapis sat on the other. She simply sat there as Pearl cried.

It took a few long, messy minutes for Pearl to calm down. Her face was so flushed, sticky and sloppy by the time she was done. _How embarrassing._ Pearl turned her head away from Lapis so Lapis couldn’t see how gross she looked.

“I’ll wait with you until your ride gets here,” Lapis told her.

“That is kind of you…” Pearl mumbled. “But…you don’t have to…”

Lapis glanced at the sky. It was already purple and the street lights had turned on. “It’s getting dark. Sounds kind of stupid to be alone at this hour.”

Pearl sighed. “No…please go home…you are wasting your time.”

“Not really. I don’t have anything else to do today.”

“No…I mean…” Pearl took a deep breath and squinted her eyes shut. “I…I lied…I’m sorry!”

“What do you mean?”

“No one is picking me up…”

Lapis raised an eyebrow. “Why?”

“I…came here by myself and…I didn’t bring my phone with me.”

“You _walked_ here?”

Pearl nodded.

“How?”

Pearl shrugged.

“Anyway…my house isn’t far from yours. Just let me take you. If you don’t want me to, I’m calling Amethyst-”

“No!” Pearl said, too quickly and urgently.

“Why?”

Pearl’s throat tightened again, but luckily there were no tears this time. She looked at the ground. “I don’t…want you to…” she whispered.

“Did something happen between you two?”

Pearl shook her head. Technically, nothing had. She wondered if overhearing something counted as “happening between them”.

“Come on…I’ll take you home. Just let me help you.”

Pearl hesitated.

“I’m going to be honest. I’m not letting you stay here by yourself.”

Pearl sighed. “Alright…”

“Good.” She stood up and headed to the truck. Pearl got up as well and followed her. She climbed into the vehicle after Lapis did.

Everything was quiet as they drove down the road together. Now that Pearl thought about it, she could barely wrap her head around how she had walked this far. Her feet ached.

“So what brought you all the way here?” Lapis asked.

“I…just wanted to see it…”

“That’s why you walked here?”

 _She’s judging you._ Pearl gulped and nodded.

“I’ve done it.”

Pearl looked at her, eyes wide. “You have…?”

“Not to here, but…I’ve walked long ways before. I didn’t have a car…it was taken from me…I had my bus pass taken…my wallet taken…so I just walked.”

“Taken?”

“It’s nothing. It’s not important anymore.”

“…”

Lapis didn’t say anything else either. Pearl fidgeted and looked out the window. The silhouettes of cacti and the mountains zoomed passed them.

“Th…thank you…” Pearl whispered.

“Yeah.”

“I’m…really sorry. I shouldn’t have done this…it was stupid of me.”

“For someone as shy and nerdy looking as you, you’re really reckless.”

Pearl sagged. “I’m sorry…”

“No. It’s fine.”

Pearl sighed.

“Hey. You’re not the only one who does stupid things. I know people who’ve done stupider things.” Buildings finally started popping up.

“Thank you…” _She’s still judging you._

“We’ll be there in a couple minutes.”

“Okay…”

The car drove down familiar roads until they reached Pearl’s house…that was also Amethyst’s house. Pearl sighed.

“You good?”

“Yes…” She unbuckled and opened the door. “Thank you again…”

“No problem.”

Pearl slid out the truck and limped up the driveway. Resting her legs did nothing but made the pain of walking worse.

“I can help if you want.”

Pearl shook her head. “You can go now.”

A rumble indicated that the truck had driven off. Pearl kept walking up the driveway. She opened the door and limped inside. Amethyst was on the couch playing videogames. She didn’t say anything; didn’t even look at her. Pearl bit her lip and walked past her.

She dragged herself to the bathroom and, as soon as the door was closed and locked, she pulled her leggings and socks off. She grunted when they came off her shins, which ripped some needles out in the process. She sat down and analyzed her legs. It was completely covered in scratches from the thicket, puncture wounds from the cacti, dried blood and even fresh blood that trickled out her renewed wounds. A huge, purple bruise covered the area where Pearl had hit herself with the rock, with broken needles driven in the sore flesh. She would need tweezers to get those out.

She yanked her tweezers out from the makeup cabinet and whimpered as she pulled each individual needle out.

She wondered what would happen if she continued on. She thought about going to work tomorrow, where she’d have to see Jasper. She thought about how she’d live all alone for the rest of her life. She thought about hurting person after person after person, over and over again in an endless cycle of bullshit.

She didn’t want to see anyone. No one deserved to see her. She was all alone and she deserved it.

_You deserve to die._

Pearl shuddered and halted. Shefound herself standing up now. The medicine cabinet was open. She dug around until she found an unopened bottle of sleep aiding, cold medication.

_No one will have to deal with you anymore._

What was the point in moving here? It was so pointless. _You’re going to ruin things no matter where you are. You should have just killed yourself after Sheena kicked you out, just like you had first thought about doing._

Pearl tore the wrapper off and popped the bottle open. She dug out the cotton and tossed them and the wrapper in the trash.

_They all hate you. No one loves you. You’re a disaster and they all know it._

Pearl hesitated, looking into the bottle at the plethora of pills inside of it.

 _Stop being afraid and just do it already._ She trembled as she prepared to empty it in her mouth.

Pearl slowly lifted the bottle to her lips. All she’d have to do was upturn it, fight off her gag reflex and swallow every pill in the bottle. Then all she’d have to do was lay down and let them do their magic, hoping her body wouldn’t vomit them all out. It was that simple…wasn’t it?

Pearl shook her head.

She clicked the cap back on and placed the bottle back on the shelf. She leaned over the sink, wondering what she was even doing. She couldn’t do that…not today…not when it was the anniversary to Amethyst’s mother’s suicide. Doing this on this day was just cruel. She couldn’t just let Amethyst find her dead body, either. She’d have to do it somewhere far away where nobody could find her. Pearl sat back down to finish tending her wounds. She’ll move on…for now.

_Perhaps another time._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn this chap was a mess. Hopefully it was still enjoyable. ^^


	13. Oxytocin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains NSFW elements including an explicit masturbation scene.
> 
> I changed the rating a few weeks ago from Mature to Explicit, because despite such scenes being seldom, they do still happen and this isn't the only one. However, for those that only want to read the story, I'll point out in the notes where to skip the explicit scenes.
> 
> Anyway- the scene. If you don't want to read it, just skip the entire chapter after the line: "If you want it so much, then why not make it yourself?"

Pearl’s first regret of the day was checking Facebook after waking up. She had found that two old friends, Bismuth and Biggs, had gotten engaged yesterday. They, Rose and Pearl were a tight-knit group in high school and all four often hung out after school.

Bismuth and Biggs were the perfect couple and part of her was even happy that they stayed together for all these years. They looked so happy in the photo too, holding each other – their eyes bright.

As happy as Pearl was for them, her heart also sank. It was strange how the heart could float and sink at the same time.

 **Congratulations! I am so happy for the both of you. :)** Pearl typed in the comments, but regretted it as soon as she did. She hadn’t messaged them in years; the last time she saw them in person was at Rose’s _funeral_ for Christ’s sake! They probably didn’t remember she existed.

 _Who could know you for long enough without hating or forgetting about you?_ She set her phone down and buried under the covers, wanting to stay there for the rest of the day. Her shift started in two hours but she definitely didn’t want to show up now.

Her mind wandered in places she wished it wouldn’t. Selfish, ridiculous places- such as how her day yesterday was awful while Bismuth and Biggs’s were the happiest of their lives. They deserved to be happy. Pearl didn’t get why she had to be such a cunt about it.

 _A person’s 20’s should be the most exciting part of their life,_ Pearl thought. _I’m over halfway done with mine and I’ve achieved close to nothing. But these people are getting married, having the time of their lives, discovering who they are, getting married, forming connections, meeting new people, advancing their lives from connections...._

 _I bet they aren’t going to invite you because you’re such a bitter waste of time. No wonder we grew distant._ Pearl shook the thoughts away. _Can you quit being a depressed wretch for one moment?! Get ready for work! This is not the mindset you should be in right now!_

Grumbling mentally, Pearl managed to get herself up. She did her usual morning routine- starting with drinking tea and reading a book. The chapter she read was about the importance of human bonding in prehistoric times and how oxytocin affected the brain as a result. Pearl scoffed.

She finished her tea, got dressed, put her makeup on- until it was time to get out the door and walk to work. She left earlier than usual, hoping that being in her work building would keep her mind in the right place.

She waited in the lobby thirty minutes early before her shift started, playing Tetris on her phone to kill the time. She clocked in ten minutes before her shift.

As it was last time, the day was excruciatingly slow. She and Aqua decided to kill the time by re-dusting all the rooms. Pearl lifted the nightstand’s lamp to dust under it.

“Pearl!” Aqua gritted. Pearl flinched.

Aqua snatched the lamp from Pearl’s hand and set it back down. “Be careful when you lift the lamps!”

“Um…” Was she holding it wrong? She waited for Aqua to explain but Aqua didn't.

“Go check the laundry. Go! Now!”

The laundry wouldn’t be done in another hour. She decided to do what Aqua told her and headed to the laundry room anyway. She may as well take a breather from her.

The washing machine still shuddered as she went inside. Since she was in private, she reached down to scratch her sore legs. It increased the pain but it felt so good to give it attention.

 _No wonder dogs have to wear those cones,_ Pearl thought.

No longer itchy, she walked back outside. It was either annoy Aqua or get caught doing nothing, so annoying Aqua it was.

\--

The day finally ended after a mind-numbing four more hours. Pearl was about to clock out when Suzanne walked in.

“Oh, Pearl!” she sang. “Before you clock out, would you come to my office?”

Pearl’s stomach dropped. Did Aqua complain about her? However, Suzanne looked rather chipper, so she tried to swallow down her fear as best she could as she nodded. Suzanne smiled and drifted out the door. Pearl followed.

Pearl turned down the hall into her office. She paused. Crammed in the small room were all the other members of the team, including Aqua and Jasper. She gulped and held her breath as she looked around for a spot in the terrifyingly overcrowded office. It seemed the only spot was next to Jasper.

Well…Pearl had no choice, she supposed. She pushed herself towards Jasper and stood next to her, keeping her eyes to the floor to avoid Jasper’s gaze; close to shivering under the brief stare Jasper gave her. Jasper said nothing…which was both a relieving and horrifying experience.

Suzanne clapped her hands together. “Alright! We’re all together!”

“What is going on?” Aqua asked. “Isn’t our monthly all-staff in a couple weeks?”

“You are correct,” Suzanne said. “No, this isn’t our usual staff meeting. This is a new meeting- our staff surprise treat meeting!”

“Treat?” Aqua said.

“Yep! I know this season has been boring, but you’ve all been doing such wonderful jobs and working so hard that I want to reward you all!”

Everyone’s eyes brightened. They spoke amongst themselves in excitement.

“Hey! We gonna have a party?” Jasper said. “I can hit up my sis for a free pizza we can have in the breakroom.”

Suzanne laughed. “Oh, Jasper. This is _my_ treat, not yours, silly! The treat is already here!”

Everyone settled down and returned their attention to her. Suzanne crouched beneath her desk and pulled out a box, which she propped up. She opened it to reveal multiple copies of a book.

“What is it?” Aqua asked.

Suzanne pulled out one of the books. “Now I know this motel is entirely run by ladies- flower power for the win- so I thought, why not get something all ladies will enjoy, am I right?” She flashed the book for all to see. The cover was some cheesy, overly saturated photography of two buff men sandwiching a dainty, swooning woman. In a bold, hard-to-read font, which took some time to decipher, said _I Was Like Kidnapped by a Vampire Oh My God I Know Right_.

“I read this last week and thought it was so good, you all had to read it too!” Suzanne said. Her tone dropped into a whisper. “And I re-read certain scenes multiple times if you know what I mean.”

Everyone said nothing. Pearl recoiled slightly.

“It looks…hot?” Jasper said.

“It is the spiciest thing I’ve ever read in my life. The drama, the romance…everything about this book is so good!” She handed one to each person. “I just like contributing good into the world-”

 _By feeding us garbage?_ Pearl thought.

“-By sharing the joy of reading!”

_Is this an adult version of kindergarten?_

“Everyone have fun with your copies! Whoever is still working, return to your shifts; whoever is not, have a great rest of your day!”

Everyone dispersed. Pearl was one of the first to exit the room, relishing in the personal space and not breathing in everybody’s breath. She returned to the breakroom, clocked out and made her way home. Amethyst’s car, which Jasper was still borrowing, drove past her. Her shoulders sagged. She decided to read the book’s synopsis to take her mind off it.

 _So a woman gets kidnapped by a vampire and has to wait for her boyfriend to save her?_ Pearl frowned. That sounded like cliché, predictable trash. Perhaps she could donate it to the thrift store next time she visited. Unless Suzanne went to the thrift store and saw it. She groaned.

When she got home, Jasper’s truck was in the driveway, with a fat, lush green, coniferous tree sitting in the trunk. Pearl dipped her head and sped-walked to the door and through the house. She spotted Greg, Steven and Jasper. She also spotted a flash of blue on the couch…wait…a flash of blue?!

 _Perhaps Amethyst dyed her hair a different color,_ Pearl tried to comfort herself. But her thought was debunked as Lapis’s voice entered her ears.

“I brought some ornaments to decorate the tree,” her cold, calm, alluring voice said. Pearl blushed. She avoided Lapis’s gaze as she headed to her room.

“Hi, Pearl!” Steven said. Pearl’s skin prickled. She forced on a smile and waved before retreating to her room, shutting and locking the door.

She still heard his voice after she closed it. “Do you think Pearl will wanna decorate the tree with us?” he asked.

“I don’t know, son,” Greg said. “Just leave her be.”

Pearl sighed. She sat on the bed cross-legged and looked at the book. She didn’t want to risk hearing more hurtful stuff about her, especially with how awful she felt yesterday, so she turned to the about the author page.

Still ignoring the voices that were easily heard through the thin walls, she studied the page. The picture indicated that it was written by some man who was at least fifty years old. He wrote some other novels, including one about a girl who was painfully shy. _Who would read about that?_

She turned to the first page now and began reading. The first scene was about two women talking to each other in an exaggerated valley girl accent about comparing their boob sizes and about how hot their boyfriends were. She already wondered if she should just return to that anthropology book she had read at least a dozen times, but…this one was brand new and was distracting her from the conversation outside.

So she read. The first chapter was just boring exposition but at least it finally ended on her getting kidnapped by the sexy vampire man. The next chapter talked obsessively about how muscular and strong he was and about the woman’s DD tits. The annoying protagonist was developing quite the Stockholm syndrome for him, but also missed her boyfriend.

Pearl was absolutely lost on the third chapter. It was about the same as chapter two but with different wording. After a few pages of plowing through it, Jasper’s truck left. The house was eerily quiet now; she assumed the whole family had left to decorate the tree together. She walked to the kitchen, made some chamomile tea and continued reading.

Chapters four through six were equally as boring. Finally, at chapter seven, something interesting happened: the vampire man was hungry and drank the woman’s blood, until the woman got turned on by it. The woman released pheromones which the vampire smelled, and as a result, it spared the woman’s life.

 _What on Earth? That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. Not to mention, how can she survive a bite that hard to the jugular veins and an artery?_ To her dismay, she kept reading.

The woman took notice of the man’s vampire erection- Pearl almost spat tea out her nose from laughter- and used her sexy girl power to seduce the vampire man in hopes it would give her boyfriend more time to rescue her. She spread her legs for him. The man hiked down his pants. The heterosexual sex triggered zero interest, but the tension- especially with the question of how the woman would explain this to her boyfriend- kept Pearl reading.

 _This book is awful but Suzanne wasn’t lying about the drama,_ Pearl thought.

Then the man did something sort of hot. He pinned himself on top the woman, biting into her again as he fingered her. Pearl never thought about men doing it to her, but that was a fantasy she had had before. If only he were a girl…perhaps Lapis….

Pearl stopped herself. _Hold on...did you just...? W_ _HAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!_ Lapis saved her life yesterday! She rescued her from the lake…more than once! Pearl couldn’t- she wouldn’t- think about Lapis in such a degrading way! But to her dismay, her mind disobeyed her and imagined Lapis as this cold, lithe vampire woman with sharp, bared teeth, hungry for Pearl’s blood. Arousal warmed up her belly.

Pearl snapped out of it. _No! You cannot think such disgusting things!_

She had to do something about this! Pearl shot up and headed to the bathroom. She turned on the shower at its coldest setting and stepped in, hoping that would clear her head. Curiosity got the best of her for a split second and she felt her core, only to be confirmed for the worst- she really was aroused.

 _Aroused this fast over a subpar, heterosexual vampire erotica? Can you at least have some standards, Pearl? When was the last time you had an orgasm?_ It had been…back when she still lived with Sheena, hadn’t it? Well…that explained it, but still….

Pearl finished cleaning herself. After drying off and changing, she drank a tall glass of cold water. She decided to eat dinner as well. When she was done, it was almost time to go to bed.

She steeped another tea- lavender this time- and sat on the couch as she sipped it. The doorknob jiggled and she caught a flash of Amethyst. Pearl gulped the rest of her tea and retreated to her room before Amethyst could interact with her…or ignore her. Pearl sighed.

She got under the covers and forced herself to sleep, trying not to recall the scene. She closed her eyes.

_Aren't you lonely, Pearl?_

_Yes.  
_

_Didn't you feel bad when your friends got engaged?_

_I know._

She remembered the book she read before she got the erotica. It had talked about the importance of oxytocin. Oxytocin, also known as the "love hormone", was generated by social bonding, such as through physical affection, breast feeding and sex. The hormone benefited people with depression and anxiety. It helped relieve stress. It was the consequence of being a weak, fragile human genetically wired to stick with other humans to survive.

As much as she hated being a social animal that craved company, it was what she was and she'd have to deal with it. Also, she'd love a good stress relief.

 _You do not need people to increase your levels of oxytocin,_ Pearl thought.  _If you want it so much, then why not make it yourself?_

_Please do it...just this once._

She recalled the book. The story; the characters. It wasn’t deep in the slightest but she couldn’t help but think about it…and its scenes….

An image flashed in her head. She recalled the sex scene, but instead of a buff vampire man biting down on a damsel's neck, she thought about Lapis, in vampire form, with blood red eyes and sharp fangs, leaning hungrily over Pearl who was chained up.

Lapis…with her slim yet muscular form pressing into Pearl’s body, teeth scraping into her neck; cold breath cooling down the hot wounds she had inflicted, hisses and primal growls escaping her throat. Shivers shot up Pearl’s form as if it were actually happening.

Pearl shivered again, her head reenacting the ridiculous scene from the book. Her hand was in her pants now. When did that happen?

But it wasn’t Pearl’s hand anymore. It was Lapis’s hand, moving at the same command as Pearl’s fingers. Lapis lapped at Pearl’s wound as her hand worked on Pearl. She held Pearl down with one hand while the other rubbed over the barrier that was Pearl’s already soaked panties. Deep, breathy moans escaped Pearl’s lips.

She found that her free hand had shot up across her abdomen, cupping the small mass that was her breast, fingers rubbing at and pinching at her nipple. Pearl breathed harder.

As she grew hotter and wetter, vampire Lapis was gone and regular Lapis took her place. They were on the dock now. Lapis was in her wetsuit. The outfit suctioned around her muscles as it shimmered in the sunlight.

Lapis stripped out of it, releasing her perky breasts. The suit made its decent, past her abs, to the curve of her hips; only to reveal an even shinier pool of wetness at the inside of the crotch. “F-fuck!” Pearl hissed. Her hips bucked.

Lapis was on Pearl all over again, wetsuit tossed to the side, her freckled body leaning against her. Lapis straddled and grinded into Pearl’s lap. Pearl’s- no, Lapis’s- hand stopped rubbing her panties and slipped under the fabric now, thrusting into and curling up in her. Pearl gasped and arched her back, trembling around her fingers.

She yipped, breath shaking and speeding up as she clenched hard now, repeatedly around the fingers that squelched in her cunt as they pounded into her walls. She threw her head back and let out another cry. Whines and the gasps drew out of her as much-needed ecstasy exploded and filled her body like fireworks.

Eventually she stopped clenching. Her breath became steady again and her whines ceased. She pulled the sticky fingers out of herself and then oozed into the mattress. Her body felt like a feather, as if she could float away at any breeze. A warm buzz of happiness and relaxation tingled around in her, and then she fell asleep.

Thank goodness oxytocin existed.


	14. Don't Want To Be Human

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry for the length of this message but i want to discuss things. the first is an apology for this being a day late. one of my coworkers got fired so ive gotten more hours (yay!) but as another result, ive had little downtime.
> 
> the second thing id like to talk about is that this fic will be on hiatus. i am HOPING it will be a short hiatus, at least a couple weeks, but i am not too sure. basically why im putting it on hiatus is because my queue is depleting. i want a certain number of chapters in my queue as i post, and it has drained past my desired minimum.
> 
> good news is ill have much more downtime as october rolls around, so thats when im hoping this fic will pick itself back up. if some other liability happens that makes me believe otherwise, then ill post the rest of my queue, but ill just cross my fingers that i can fill the queue up before november.
> 
> thanks for understanding!

“Did you read that book?” someone in the breakroom asked as Pearl clocked in.

“Pfft. Hell no,” Jasper said. “You think I’m into that shit?”

“Me neither.” The coworker looked to Pearl. “Did you read it?”

Pearl bit her lip and blushed. She decided to lie and shake her head.

“Why the fuck would Pearl read it?” Jasper said. “She’s got standards. Right, Pearl?”

Pearl nodded. _Because I definitely wouldn’t be aroused by something like that._ The machine beeped and she rushed out the breakroom before people could see the growing blush on her face.

The day went slow as it always did, feeling twice as long than her shift actually was. Luckily, Suzanne let her home early…thank goodness.

She clocked out and sped-walked home. As soon as she was back at the house, she groaned.

Lapis’s car was there. The car that belonged to girl she got off to last night…the girl she had imagined as a vampire to fulfill some gross fantasy. Pearl groaned again, embarrassment burning her cheeks.

 _Why are Amethyst and Lapis spending time together?_ It hadn’t occurred to her that they were friends. Not that it mattered, of course. _If you just hadn’t listened to your vagina, you wouldn’t be in this mess!_

Pearl kept her eyes lowered as she walked in. Stench hit her as soon as she stepped inside.

She looked up. Amethyst and Lapis lazed in the living room as an herbal smell that represented body odor tingled her throat and made her close to coughing. She remembered the smell from high school and knew exactly what it was.

Marijuana.

 _WHY ARE THEY SMOKING THAT?!_ Was that even legal in their state?!

Pearl rushed to her room before they could interact with her. This was their mess and she refused to deal with it. She shut her door and sat on the bed.

With shaky hands, Pearl tried to browse Facebook to no avail. She kept thinking about them smoking weed in the house. _It is more than that._ No, she also kept thinking about the fantasy she had. How could she get off to something so vulgar?

 _You always got off to vulgar things,_ she tried to argue with herself. But those were either consensual with her partners or part of a porno featuring actors she didn’t know. She knew Lapis wouldn’t know, but still…something felt…weird about it.

 _Should I keep reading…?_ Perhaps it was a stupid idea, but…as long as she didn’t get off or think about Lapis again, she should be fine.

The farther the book went along, the more sex scenes popped up. Feelings for the vampire started to bud in the protagonist and the vampire was developing feelings for her too.

Hours passed by. At last, Pearl finished the book. The book ended with the boyfriend finding the damsel, which initiated a battle between him and the vampire. The woman stopped the fight and, out of the nowhere, the story cut to an epilogue where she, the boyfriend and the vampire were now polyamorous with each other.

However, what led to the polyamory, though, Pearl had no idea. Maybe that’s why the author cut to an epilogue; perhaps he didn’t know either. The last scene was about the men pitroasting the woman in a threesome.

She closed the book and placed it down. _Well that was…something._ Now she owned a mediocre erotica that would collect dust. She didn’t know if she’d want to read it again like the other books she had.

Or should she? After all, she knew all the scenes now and-

 _No! You are not going to masturbate again to some poorly written, sexist garbage!_ Her stomach rumbled, cuing her to get up and giving her an excuse to not do it.

Pearl cracked the door open and peeped out her room. Lapis and Amethyst were gone now…thank goodness. The sun set, casting dim, orange light through the blinds.

The place still reeked like drugs as she walked through the cloud of its stench. She got used to the smell as she microwaved a quick, half can of vegetable soup. She didn’t feel like cooking anything tonight.

She finished eating dinner. The clock hit her bedtime, so she returned to her room, placed her head on the pillow and turned off the lamp.

“…”

Pearl waited to fall asleep. She tossed to the other side of the bed.

“…”

_It isn’t as if you have Sheena now. You can’t just have sex to aid your desires now, can you?_

_Oh, quiet!_ she snapped back at herself. _You know about the inner turmoil we put ourselves through! Masturbation is not going to happen!_

_Remember how good you felt?_

_Yes. It was amazing._

_…Remember how good you felt with Sheena?_

She sighed, eyes still closed. _…Yes…._

_Why do you always ruin everything?_

_I don’t know…._

_I miss her._

_I do too…_ She paused. _I mean- we do too! Why am I even talking to myself?!_

_If Sheena was with you, you could be talking to her instead of to yourself._

_Quiet now, you nut!_

_You’re the nut here._

_WE’RE BOTH THE NUTS BECAUSE I AM ME AND YOU ARE ME! NOW CAN WE BE SILENT?!_ She grunted and tossed onto her back, hands digging through her hair. Since when had she been having conversations with herself? Well…all the time…but it wasn’t this bad when she was with Sheena!

 _Because humans need each other._ Her grip loosened and she ran a hand through her hair _. Humans weren't hatched from eggs beneath the dirt, destined to go down their independent paths._

_…_

_Humans immediately needed their mothers and those mothers’ connections. They needed warmth. They needed love or else those babies would die. As they grew, they needed to stick together to survive, or else they couldn't hunt properly, know how to make tools or build fires or the other key mechanisms passed down through communication. Your books say that. Rose used to say that…that humans need each other and that’s what makes our species beautiful-_

_But it isn’t beautiful. It is miserable! It is the burden of being human!_

_I know._

Pearl wondered what life would be like if she wasn't human. A worm. A shark. A bear. A spider. As long as it wasn’t a social creature with complex thoughts, perhaps she’d be at peace, instead of getting stranger and stranger; more nervous and more nervous.

_I don’t want to be human…._

_I know._

_There has to be a way to deal with this._

Oxytocin…the love chemical; the bonding hormone. She didn’t need others to produce it. She could produce it all on her own if she wanted to.

_Do it…do it to feel better. Just this once…._

Pearl sighed in defeat. Her hand crept beneath her pants. Soon her breath quickened. She bit her lip to keep herself from screaming this time. She mewled and huffed, trembling around her fingers again as elation exploded in her. She relaxed and fell asleep.

\--

Before Pearl knew it, December neared its end. There hadn’t been a single day since where she didn’t have a session to deal with her…er…loneliness. The afterglow was just too addicting and she had peaceful sleeps as a result.

Days continued to pass, and those days turned into weeks. Before she knew it, the holidays hit her like a bullet.

She hadn’t thought much about the season, aside from buying presents for her family and taking trips to the busy post office. Her holiday spirit dwindled years ago, but she wondered if it was also because her house didn’t have a tree.

Pearl recalled Amethyst saying that it was too much time and money to have a tree. _“I need the money to buy presents anyway,”_ Amethyst had said. However, she did hang three dollar Christmas lights on the porch, which burnt out a week later. So they sat unlit on the railing, collecting frost.

Amethyst strolled to the front door. She looked at Pearl, who washed dishes in the kitchen. “You gonna hold down the fort while I’m gone?”

Pearl looked back and nodded.

“Alrighty, sweet. Have a good holiday.” She made a peace sign and stepped outside.

“You too,” Pearl said. The door closed and she returned to the dishes.

And so Pearl spent the holidays alone.

That was her consequence for moving. She was too far from her family to visit and she didn’t have Yetta to give her a ride. The route that passed Beach City was blocked from weather conditions, so Yetta’s family had to go a different way. Pearl told her that it was okay, that she’d spend time with them in spirit; that she’d be just fine.

Pearl knew that that was all hogwash, however. Loneliness was already creeping up her back and strangling her neck. The fact this was a family holiday too didn’t help, either.

After finishing the dishes, she flicked on the TV for background noise. It was _Frosty the Snowman_. She didn’t pay attention as she finished cleaning the rest of the house.

 _I may as well be the only person who cleans around here,_ Pearl grumbled as she vacuumed the crumbs from under the couch. Amethyst had “cleaned” the house yesterday but, alas, she didn’t do it thoroughly and Pearl had to fix everything she missed.

Daylight faded. Pearl wiped sweat from her brow. Everything was spotless now…which it should have been yesterday. _At least it gave you something to do,_ Pearl said to herself. She looked around to find something else to do, but everything was clean.

 _Sit back. Relax. You deserve it._ She plopped on the couch.

 _Rudolph_ was on now. She leaned her head in her hand, her shoulder propped on the armrest. She watched the poor reindeer get berated by his peers. Her eyelids drooped.

She’d seen this a million times; had re-watched it endlessly all year round as a little kid. Her eyelids grew heavy as she struggled to pay attention. At some point, she closed them just to let them rest. _Just for a moment…_

\--

The TV screen was black when Pearl woke up. Everything was dark save for a dim lamplight in the corner of the room. _When did I turn that on?_ She shrugged it off, figuring that she must have forgot.

“Hey, Pearl.” Pearl jumped and looked in Amethyst’s direction. She was standing in the hallway, looking almost menacing in the shadows.

Pearl rubbed her eyes. “My stars, you scared me,” she mumbled.

“We’re gonna go to church.”

“Church?”

“Yeah, dude.”

Pearl yawned. “Alright...” She got up and they went to church. It looked like the one she went to as a kid, with the same golden, glass windows and the velvet banners that draped on the walls with Bible verses threaded into them.

Everyone held candles as they sang Christmas carols. Pearl joined in, singing the lyrics to _Silent Night_. Everything was going as a church service should until Amethyst rushed to the podium and started breakdancing on it. People stopped singing and started cheering her on.

“Amethyst, this isn’t appropriate!” Pearl said, but no one listened to her. “Can we just finish singing?” She shook her head and continued, despite no one acknowledging her.

 _Silent night, holy night_  
Son of God, love's pure light  
Radiant beams from Thy holy face  
With dawn of redeeming grace  
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth  
Jesus Lord, at Thy birth

_Pearl._

Pearl stopped. Did she just…sing her name? But no, that voice didn’t sound like hers…or any voice, really.

“Who said that?” Pearl asked, looking around.

_Pearl._

The crowd disappeared as Pearl rushed out the church. Everything was a black abyss. She ventured into it, floating through it as if she were in outer space…an outer space that lacked stars and had oxygen, she guessed. She turned around to see that the church was gone.

_Pearl._

“Is anyone here?” she said into the abyss. Nothing answered her back. “No…? Alright…” She lay on her back and stared into the blankness.

_I’m here._

Her eyes widened. She looked around, trying to find the voice but to no avail. “Who’s there?”

_Your company._

She closed her eyes. “Thank the stars. I was tired being around myself.”

_Where is everyone?_

“I couldn’t make it to my family’s Christmas.”

_What about the others?_

“What others?”

_Your friends._

“I don’t have friends.”

_What will you do?_

“I don’t know….” She waited for the voice to come back, but there was nothing. She sighed. She probably scared it away.

“I don’t know who you are…this could just be myself talking,” Pearl continued. “But…if you’re some cosmic force that can do anything…I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you. And perhaps I still won’t, and perhaps this is selfish of me to beg to a god who I’ll probably never worship and am skeptical about, but I need your help. Please…”

…

“Help me. Give me peace.”

…

“I apologized and tried to mend everything, but I still screwed up so badly. Everything is a never ending cycle of me messing up and losing people. Would I…would I be with them if I didn’t mess up?”

…

“Please. Make me a better person. Or perhaps strip me of my DNA, my experiences; everything that makes me me, just so I don’t have to deal with me. Anything…”

…

“Please…wake me up from this nightmare.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Please.”

\--

Pearl opened her eyes.

She blinked a few times, giving her vision time to go from blurry to focused. The television lit the living room and babbled. She sat up and stretched.

_Thank you…for waking me up._

She stood up, recalling the dream she just had. _“What will you do?”_ the voice had asked her.

What would she do?

Pearl took a deep breath and stood up. She paced to the coat hanger and threw her coat on. Determination buzzed in her.

 _I will fix this._ She couldn’t fix what she did to Rose, or what she did to Sheena, but by God, she refused to continue this legacy to the rest of the Quartzes.

Everything was a blur as she headed outside, through the dark chill of the night, until she stood on the steps to Greg’s house. She knocked on the door. Greg opened it and looked outside at her. His eyes were wide at first, but then the door opened wide and a grin grew on his face.

“Pearl!” he said. “How nice it is to see you.”

Pearl waved shyly. “Hello…” she said. Greg pulled her into a hug.

“Hey, everyone, Pearl’s here!” Greg said. Jasper and Amethyst crowded into the doorway and held her.

“I’m sorry, everyone,” Pearl said. “I didn’t mean to push you all away.”

Steven came running down the hall next. Pearl’s stomach dropped. Wait…wasn’t he the reason she shouldn’t be here? Something wasn’t right. This couldn’t be real.

_…Right…_

This wasn’t some cheesy, kid friendly Christmas movie where everyone forgave each other. No, this was life. They wouldn’t welcome Pearl. Pearl had messed up and had to pay the consequences. She-

\--

Pearl jolted awake. The television was still on, cartoons still playing. She watched it in a daze, wondering if this was still a dream. She looked at her arm.

To confirm it, her other hand drifted to her arm, then dropped down to pinch and twist the flesh on it as hard as she could. She yelped and bolted into a sitting position.

“…”

She glanced at the clock. It was 3:00 AM now. She had work in a few hours. She sighed. _Go back to sleep…_ Pearl slowly stood up, turned the television off and carried herself to her room.

She was so tired.

She was tired of being alone.

Wouldn’t life just be easier if she didn’t long for others? Pearl sunk deeper under the covers.

 _Does anyone else know how I feel?_ Her stomach felt sick. She knew logically it was true, but she also felt like such a freak. She didn’t know of anyone else who was like her- and logically, she knew that it was because they were like herself, hiding from everybody else; refusing others to get to know them.

She wished she could know someone like that. It would give her comfort and she’d give them comfort too. She wondered if anyone was out there wishing the same thing.


End file.
